Welcome back to Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. I'm Yusuf, and tonight we're going somewhere most podcasts won't. With a kind of anesthy most men have been waiting their whole lives to hear. My guest is Vincent Hazenbo, the host of the show The How to Hard Show, and a man whose work is helping other men break free from porn addiction, people pleasing, shame, and the lifelong fear of not being man enough. Vincent's not speaking from theory, he spent years inside the addiction himself, and the road back has shaped everything he now teaches. By the end of this conversation, you might just hear something you have been needing to hear for a long time. Vincent, thank you so much for showing up for this. I know this isn't a small kind of work to do in public.

Yeah, thank you for having me, Youssef. It's an ill it's a real honor to have you on the show and or having me on your show. And yeah, you're right. It's something that we don't want to talk about, but so necessary to talk about.

So before we go into the harder territory, I want to start somewhere more personal. So most men who do this work did not choose it from outside, they were broken open into it. So before any of the frameworks or the recovery language, take me back. What was the moment in your own life when you realized you couldn't keep living the way you were?

Yeah, thank you for sharing. And that's something that I love to share or talk about. It really happened when I was, or it happened when I woke up in 2014, because before that I was really addicted into video games, pornography, a lot of trauma. So I didn't do anything with my life. That was the only things that I did, just hiding and numbing myself. But like I said, in 2014 I was playing my video game, and then I got an inner voice and it said, you need to get help. And I was in shock. I was looking in my room and there was nobody there. I felt like somebody was really whispering in my ears. And I just said to myself, okay, I really need to get help then. So the next day I went to my parents, I told them, I lived at home back then, and I told them, hey, I need to get help. And they were both shocked. It's like, huh, what? Help? I said, I told them, yeah, I really need to get help. So the upcoming days, I went to see the doctor, I explained my story. I was sent to therapy, but it was more like an awareness call, more an awareness talk. And I remember when I was sitting there with the therapist and she asked me the most powerful question, and it was, what are you doing with your life? And I looked at her and I just broke down. I started to cry, and I said, I have nothing. I have no life. I'm just playing video games. I'm just worried, I'm just doing nothing. Just pornography and video games. And I just and I just broke down and she told me, Vincent, don't worry, everything's gonna be okay. I'm not gonna give you mats, but I'm gonna get I will send you to group therapy. And I really doubt the bullet there. If she gave me meds, I'd probably be addicted to that as well. So I'm really grateful for her. But I went to group therapy and then she, or then I started to open up and understand myself, and then I started to learn the backpack that I was carrying with me my entire life. I started to learn about trauma, addictions, and the mindset, and I got so much revelations and understanding, but it became also my trap because once I started to go into the self-development, learning, reading, educating myself, I believed if I learned so much about books reading, courses, coaching, nobody can hurt me. I'm untouchable, and that's what I believed for decades. And then I got the realization, oh, I also need to take action. I cannot just read books all the time and just stay at home. So slowly I learned to develop to take small steps, but it took really years and years and years for me to do that. And the biggest problem that I had was really with women because I've been traumatized when I was younger. I had a relationship with my mom and it got really damaged. And that was something that was for me the reason to go into porn because I felt safe. I felt I would there was no judgment, I wasn't being rejected, but deep down inside I really missed the affection, the love, the touching, the love making. So that was really my journey after that, just working on myself. And then my ego was really up my ass. I moved to Mexico in 2017, and I believed I'm the shit, I can do everything. I just gonna go to Mexico, start a fast food restaurant, and I saw my life just wonderful and amazing. But I got bankrupt one year later, and I lost everything. I say 30,000 euros, and I went home with 300 euros, and I was just heartbroken. I was so I told myself, how? How is this happening? Why did I lose it? I don't get it. And I also had an ex-girlfriend there, and it was such a bad relationship, really toxic. So I realized, okay, I had a massive self-reflection in that moment because I said, okay, I was just hating them, so angry at them. Why this, why that? But then I put the mirror in front of myself and I said, Oh, it's all my own fault. I could have said no to him when everything went bad. I could have said no to her when the relationship was not working. But because of the prey, pain, the traumas, and everything, I really went deeper and deeper and deeper and said to myself, okay, now I need to focus on my healing journey. Now I need to do something. But again, I wanted to do everything alone, everything by myself. I was this lone wolf. I wanted to fix everything by myself. But three years later, I was walking in the city and I saw a really pretty girl and I couldn't talk to her. And I said, It's enough. I cannot do this anymore. I need to get help. And many people told me, Vincent, you need to look for somebody, see psychologist. No, no, no, I will do it by myself. But I was just trying to flee. I just wanted to run from what I will discover when I was talking to him. But I will tell you, Seth, it was the best decision that I made three years ago. It changed everything. I feel so much better. I did EMDR, I've learned so much about myself. I really have a special psychologist because I was also connected energetically with my ex-girlfriend, and I couldn't get I couldn't let go of her. She was really leaching on to me, and we did like a kind of exorcism, and I felt so much better after that. So I'm really grateful for him as well, and everything that happened to me. So yeah, it's been quite an intense journey, but I've learned so much about myself, and yeah, it was it was a powerful but painful journey.

Thank you so much, Vincent, for going there because you know there is something the rest of us need to hear in those moments because most of us have had a version of them and quietly walk past them. Naming it out loud the way you just did is a part of what gives someone else permission to do the same.

Yeah, I agree. Again, I always tell people in those moments, I could also make a decision not to do it. When I got that message, I need to get help. I could have said, Yeah, whatever, I'm gonna play video games. I don't need this. But I felt so deep in my core, so deep in my being that I need to do it. There was no questioning. Oh, maybe I should get help. I knew exactly in that moment to get help, but because of limiting belief, I was always in this negative mindset, always being negative, always hating, angry, blaming myself. Why me? So it took me years and years to change that belief into into the positive because I did it because it's safe. A lot of people are this victim mode, in this victim mindset, because being with a girl or being with a woman was terrifying because I I felt like I'm gonna get hurt again. So I said to myself, no, no, I'm not gonna talk with this girl. No, no, I'm not I'm not ready for dating. So I was always pushing away, but but in the end, I felt like okay, I need to stop because I I will throw my life away to keep myself safe, and a lot of people are doing it. They they have so much potential, but they keeping themselves safe, and it's really sad.

Vincent, there is a misconception running underneath how men talk about pawn addiction. Because the idea that it's a willpower problem, a discipline problem, a moral failing. So men try harder, fail again, and add more shame to the file. But you know from the inside, that is almost never about the pawn itself. What is it about, and how can we start coming out of it?

Well, what I realized is that when I started with the healing journey, because I go back to the to the psychologist, he said to me one day, Vincent, if you want to be with somebody, really having a loving relationship, you need to quit porn. And I was just like, it was so hard to hear those words because porn was keeping me safe. Poor was something for me to go to when I went out and I didn't talk to anybody, and I felt I failed. So there was always this fleeing, escaping of going to porn. But I said to myself, okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna commit. I'm gonna really quit. But the mind was always telling me, like, no, no, Vincent, just one more time. You you work so hard today, just watch one more time. I was always manipulating myself, I was always telling myself just to go back. I felt the need, I did it. And I tried so many times. I was also this close to lock myself up because I really mentally I was breaking down, emotionally, I was breaking down, I was fighting against myself, fighting against the addiction. But because of my psychologist, I've learned to see it different. I said, okay, I know it's intense, I know it's difficult, but I've been through so much in all my life, I can handle this. So I sat down, took some time for myself. Okay, how can I change this? I also talked with my psychologist. But I realized I had to heal myself. I had to heal the traumas, I had to heal my mother's wounds, I had to learn to have discipline, not see women as a lost object, to really see them as lovable beings, as humans, as who they are. But more importantly, really say, okay, I really want to do this because it's like you said, it destroys lives. It's your dopamine levels getting trashed. There's always this need for to grab porn. But what I did was first trauma healing. That's so important. And every every not just men, but also women need to start trauma healing because everybody has a trauma. So start with that. Ask yourself, is it really worth it? Is it really worth it to go back to it? Because you know, if you go back to it again and again and again, you know it's gonna be painful, hurting, and you're gonna feel like trash. So you know, you will know what this road will take you. Another one is discipline. I went instead of watching porn, I go to the gym. I do salsa classes, I work on my business. So those things help me to move away from porn. But what really helped me, and that's something that I really want to say at that advice: porn blocker. Install a really powerful porn blocker, not one that you can just click on and off, but really one that you can click and you can decide for weeks or months or years, and do that and really commit. Because what will happen when you do that, the brain will stop because you're conditioned, you're wired to watch over and over again. And when you stop, the brain is like, Oh, where's my hit? Where's my hit? I need my hit, I need my fix. So you're trying to see what you can do to get it, but once you learn to not do it anymore, you change that. You wire yourself not to go there anymore. You feel a lot better. Also, I had a lot of clog, fog in the mind. I sometimes I didn't know what I needed to do, or it was always bad. But once I started to do that and go move away, I feel a lot better. But to go back circle with it, for me, porn was just an escape. It was just something that I would felt like I needed to fill, fill that void. So now I'm learning to fill that with love from other people, self-love, education, growth. So I don't need it anymore. I'm I'm really getting the dopamine from life, from people, women, dancing, all those things. So for men, if they're really listening, or if men are listening to this, yeah, you need to ask yourself, is it really worth it? And I know it's really hard and really difficult, but it's it's possible to quit because I've been addicted for 20 plus years, and I feel like now I'm finally in control of my life, and it's really worth it. It's really worth it to take care of yourself, take charge, leadership, and live the life that you want to live.

Vincent, the healing you are talking about does not happen in a single dramatic moment. It happens in the small, ordinary, often unglamorous days. So the honest conversation with a partner, maybe a text to a friend that takes 10 minutes to write. What does this work actually look like in everyday life for a man who is just starting to choose differently?

That's a really good question, and I answered this question a lot. And it's being honest with yourself and being vulnerable. A lot of men are so afraid to being vulnerable, so afraid to tell people how they feel. And I've learned that really through dating because I always try to put this mirror, this mask on, and really not share how I really feel about somebody. If you see somebody that I'm attracted to, I would just try to keep it safe. I say, hey, I wanted to give you a compliment. And uh, but that was not really me. I really like her, I really am attracted to her, but I was so afraid to share that with her because I feel like if I really show my true self, I'm gonna get hurt. She's maybe gonna reject me. She's maybe gonna dump me. But I've learned I need to be vulnerable with myself. So it's really, you're not, you don't have to shout from the rooftops, hey, I'm an addict and I need somebody to talk to. But like you said, just text somebody and say, hey, text somebody and say, hey guy, or hey, to a friend, like, hey man, I'm not doing so well. Can we talk? Just opening up because I've I've done a lot of research. I also watched a lot of documentaries, and a lot of men they're in a depression, or they make it or they have an end in their lives because they're not talking, they're not talking about what's going on with them, they're not sharing what's happening. And I know for men it's really hard and difficult because we have this taboo of I need to be strong. I'm not allowed to show emotion, I'm not allowed to cry, but you're also a human being, you have emotions, and you cannot put it all away because you're gonna crumble. I had so many times that I put it all away, all my pain, all my frustrations, all the traumas. And I just broke down all the time because I have no outlet. I couldn't talk about or was afraid to talk about it. But once I learned to open up and share my frustrations, what I'm going through, I finally could let it go. So for men, it's so important to share with a confident friend or psychologist or therapist or a coach, tell what's going on because then they can help you. If you're shutting your mouth and not opening up, you're not, you cannot help yourself, but people cannot help you. And I really learned to let people in. And having enter my life and say, okay, I need to do it not just by myself, I really need to have people with me and helping me. So the first step is really opening up, asking for help, allow people to help you because you can do it by yourself, but it will take you years and years and years. And I've done that and I wish I've done it sooner. And just speak about it. Like I said, if you just with a friend or somebody or or the NOFAB community or whatever you feel like is you feel safe to share, just talk about it. You will feel so much better, and you can finally let it go and you can do something about it. Because what I've learned in all my years is I always felt alone. I always felt I've I'm going through this just me. Nobody else, nobody has this problem, just me. But now I see there's so many men struggling with this, so you're not alone, but it's so powerful to open up. And uh short story: I've also been in the pickup industry, and the pickup industry is how to get women and how to get in bed with them. That was for me my only focus. The pickup industry is really toxic. But I had a dating coach, and he teaches me how to interact with women from the heart, and that was for me the moment that I realized I need to be more like that. I need to open up more. Once you open up more, you start to connect. You start to connect with women, you start to connect with friends, family. So that's so important, and that's something that we're really lacking or is happening, that we are disconnecting from each other, especially from ourselves, because we're on the phone scrolling, doom scrolling, we're playing video games, going out to parties, drinking our life away, gambling. And I'm not saying that everybody is doing that, but you may have some small parts in your life that you're doing that. But it's really traumas that's not being processed, not being healed, and you're keeping it all to yourself because there's a lot of shame, like you said. So really opening up is really key. Really, it really is the key of changing your life.

Vincent, for people who are listening and want to connect with you or want to learn more about you, your work, where can they do that?

Well, funny story, I was also doing a podcast and I decided to take a break from it because podcasting is a passion, but it's also really challenging to make an income from that. So I felt like so many times, months, years, that I wanted to make a change. So I'm now gonna be focused more on helping men and quit pornography because, like I said, it's a pandemic. The youngest that I saw was eight years old that's addicted to pornography. It's insane. That's that's crazy. So I feel like my mission is really to help men with porn addiction because, like I said, I've educated myself for the last 10 years, been through it 20 years, so I really want to help them. So if people want to connect with me, they can find me on social media. If they type in Vincent Haasbaum, you can you can see me there. Sometimes I post, but I'm really focusing on creating a an offer for helping men. So yeah, that's how they can connect, and like Said don't feel ashamed or or sad or afraid to talk, just reach out and and let people help you. So I'm not saying that you just need to connect me so I can coach you, but just have a conversation, just start to talk and just see where it can where it can go. And I'm really grateful for people like you, Seth, that are opening up and and let people like me share their voice. And our voices are being heard, and that's so important. And I was, like I said, I always felt alone. And I didn't have any podcasting when I was younger. I didn't have people, I couldn't listen to audio or books or podcasts. So yeah, I'm always grateful that I can share my story and really giving value and maybe insight or planting a seed for people to change their lives. So yeah, I'm really grateful for this, Yousef. Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming. And Vincent, this has been such an honest and important conversation today. And I think a lot of men who are listening today or who might listen in the future will see themselves in this episode and will see a way to come out of that addiction.

Absolutely.

And to everyone listening, I'd ask you not to scroll past this moment because that's the part of you that has been waiting for permission. You don't have to fix everything tonight. You don't have to confess to anyone. You don't have to make a plan, just stop pretending for one quiet minute that you are okay when you are not. The single act of inner honesty is where every man who has ever made it out had to start. You are not alone in this. And the strength you are looking for is on the other side of the truth. You have been hiding. This was Healthy Mind Hadila. I'm Yusuf with my guest Vincent. I thank him for the courage it takes to do this work in public. And to you listening, take care of yourself tonight. We'll see you in the next one.