Most of our stress doesn't come from what's happening and all that. It comes from patterns running quietly inside it. The way we react, the stories we repeat, the identities we cling to. Today's conversation is about noticing those exact internal patterns and learning how small internal and intentional shifts can create real calm in FD life. So, uh, welcome everyone to Healthy Mind, Healthy Life, where we talk about mental well-being in a clear, tactical, and a very human way. I'm Sail and today I'm joined by Debbie Longo. We're exploring how internal behavioral patterns shape our stress and emotional health and how simple mindset and identity shifts can help us live more grounded, regulated, and resilient lives. So if you've ever felt stuck in the same stress cycles, even when nothing is wrong, this episode is an invitation for all of you that will give you the language and tools to understand why. So Debbie, welcome to the show.

Yes, thank you very much. I appreciate you having me.

Yeah, likewise, Debbie. And so um, you know, before we jump onto all of that, I want to start with um something um basic. Because most of us don't notice our internal patterns until um until I mean the the cycles start sort of start repeating again, right? Um, and start to overwhelm us. And then we think, oh, okay, how did I end in this again? Um, right. So I wanna start right there. Um, as in uh what's a common misconception people have about stress and emotional um overwhelm that actually keeps them stuck?

Well, stress and emotional negativity is something that we don't want to keep. And sometimes if something happens, let's say uh my children want to do something, they want to go to the movies or something, and I don't want to do that, and I have to give in to them, and right away that causes stress. So what happens is I get used to that feeling and that behavior. And each time I do that over and over again, it gets worse and worse, and then I get more used to it. Now I can't get rid of it. I can't get out of it because I'm just so deep into this stress, anxiety, whatever we call it.

Yeah, um, I I love the fact that you actually um gave a very practical example. Um, because I think uh most of the time those patterns don't start in adulthood, um, they're shaped by the roles that we take on. Um and also the expectations I think we absorbed along the way. Um, you know, long before we even know what stress is. So uh uh coming back to your point, uh Debbie, I want to take a step back and look at the roots of those patterns. So um let's stick with that um and talk a little bit about uh the internal behavior patterns. Uh like where do these come from usually? Uh is it is it the childhood rules? Um is it coping strategies, or you know, it's the cultural or I would say the societal expectations um around you?

Right. So be thank you for the question. So before I say anything, I just want to let everybody know that I'm not a psychologist. I don't have any degrees in any type of field relating to psychology or mental health or anything. I just talk about these things from my experience and 25 years of working with clients, all different clients. So it's my experience that it's very common that this comes from childhood, okay, because we have learned behaviors, is what it's called in your in childhood. So if my parents act that way, right, then I will grow up acting that way. Now, this is not true in every case. Some people think, oh, you know, that made me miserable. I dealt with that my whole life and I don't want to be like that anymore, you know, so they're not, right? But the thing with that is they would have to do something to change it because a learned behavior is kind of like a copycat behavior. So you're just gonna do it because when you're a child, you don't know any better. That's why when we have children, as parents, we want to make sure that we're just feeding them as much positive information as they can, because children don't know, you know, what to do. So they just follow, you know, parents, teachers, you know, whoever is a mentor in their life, you know, as they go through childhood. But the roots could be from a traumatic experience, let's say, you know, it doesn't necessarily have to be childhood. It could be I'm 25 years old and I was very close to my father. And my father just suddenly passed away. He just got sick and died in like a week, you know, and that was very traumatic for me. And it took a very, very long time for me even to recognize that he wasn't there. I just kept calling his name, thinking that he was there, you know. And just for me to get through that, you know, I needed to go through a process to realize that he physically was not there anymore. And so there's a lot of different scenarios here that could actually be the route to it, right? But the thing is, whatever the root is, that's very good. You know, we we it's it's very important for us to know that. But I'm interested in solving the problem. So I want to know what's going on today, yesterday, you know, more recently.

Ah, um, all right. I think because um uh like you said, it is more uh dependent upon um what your nervous system actually decides. And once it decides, right, uh this is who I have to be, it'll defend that um truth or um call it role, whatever, um, even if it joins us. So I think the impact isn't just theoretical, it it shows up um pretty much everywhere um you know, in the choices particularly that we make without realizing why. So um let's bring this into sort of a deal world for a moment, um, because uh obviously I want to make it um insightful and practical for those of us listening to this right now. Uh now how do these patterns um play out in everyday life? Um so now see someone listening to this right now could uh you know relate to themselves, um saying that, okay, uh, you know, I I overthink. Uh but sometimes uh there's a fine line, right? It in overthinking as well as to which is valid and versus you know they're trying stress. So um, you know, talking about the internal patterns itself, um, I want to know from your point of view um that what are the basic most common ways that these internally show up? Um, you know, so overthinking is definitely one of them. Uh it could be uh people pleasing for uh someone, it could be burnout for someone else. So what's the take on that?

Well, uh they could show up in a lot of different ways, like we said. Now, the examples that you're giving, right? People pleasing, all these different examples, they have a um something, a root maybe, or something that we identify with. Like people pleasing could be ego, okay? And I want right, I want to know. Let's just say, for example, right? I want to know why does that person keep doing that? Now we want to get to what that person's really thinking, which is not what they're thinking. It's like what, you know, what's really in their minds, not what if I say a question, you say the answer. That's not what we're looking for. You know, I'm looking for what's really in their mind deep down inside. So that's a process to um to get them to do that, right? And then when I could find that out, then um I could be correcting problems that, you know, what uh what other things do they do that has to do with ego? What other behaviors do they do? How do they react, right? And then I take all of that and I say, okay, let's take care of the ego. And then when we do that, because that's what's what what's driving all of these different behaviors, right? And then because if you do, it's it's like it's it's like going to the doctor and the doctor and you say, I have a headache, and the doctor says, okay, take some, take some aspirin or whatever. And then, but the headache is not the problem. I have another problem that's causing me to do the headache. So he's just curing the symptom or treating the symptom, not the actual problem that's causing the headache. And this is very common. I'm not a doctor. I'm just giving, you know, my take on it from my own experience, you know. Maybe doctors help some people, but the point is that's really what we're looking for because that's gonna solve the problem in a lot of different areas of the person's life.

Wow, uh, that's that's definitely practical. And I think everyone listening has felt that at some point, um, where you're trying very hard to do better, but all that effort just um leads nowhere. Yeah, just tension, right? And more self-came as well. Uh so the truth then becomes um that you don't need a life makeover to feel relief. Um, it is often sometimes found in um how you talk to yourself, um, how frequently you're taking yourself to a nature walk. I mean, um that and uh in how you can ask for what you need, right? Um I think it can create completely a different experience of um how you perceive stress in general. So um, Debbie, let's talk about the kinds of uh small changes that uh actually move the needle without turning your life upside down. So if someone is listening to this right now um and wants to feel more calmer but doesn't know where to start, right? Uh what's the small mindset or identity shift that you would recommend them that uh can make a real difference?

Yes, thank you for the question. That was a very good question. Um if somebody is feeling just out of sync, not good, not the way that they normally feel, uncomfortable, you know, whatever it is that they're feeling, they can stop right where they are. Literally, if they don't feel good, literally stop right in their tracks. Then they could go to a place, a quiet place, and they sit in a chair, close their eyes, and tell themselves they are not feeling this way anymore, and name the specific thing, even though they are. It doesn't matter because the mind controls the body. So what happens is if I tell myself I'm not somewhere or I don't feel something and I do feel it, that will go away. Okay, that's how you get rid of it. So that's one easy thing. And then another one is that they can do a meditation on a regular basis. So if there's a few days in a row or something like that, you know, and they're off, then they could start doing meditation, let's say every morning, just breathing. Not even necessarily, I mean, they could look online on the internet for a meditation. You could key in meditation for, you know, to get rid of anxiety or something like that. Um, but we could just do breathing. We could just do a breathing meditation where you're just deep breathing. And just breathing will change your life, you know. So those are very simple things that somebody could do. It takes no time at all.

Wow. Um, yeah, I I think uh that goes a long way, uh, the things that you mentioned, specifically meditation and um um uh things like breath work as well. I think that is totally pivotal in in my experience as well, though I'm not very good at it. Um I'm also getting started at this point. Um, but um, you know, I I think when someone notices an old stress pattern, I think it's taking you literally to that uh walk that you promised yourself and telling yourself that um you're not feeling this way again, right? Uh I think that's that's the most important thing um that that you also shared. You know, it's it's like telling yourself um what whatever is not wrong with you. I think whatever is not wrong with you as in the sense, uh whatever is still you believe um is workable from there, and then taking that step further, um, and you know, using uh these uh techniques um like breath work, right? Um these semantic um expressions as well to further uplift your life into a holistic experience. So um Debbie, before before I wrap this off, um when someone um uh notices an old stress pattern returning, um how do you suggest they respond without spiraling um into that that grey outground?

Well uh they can if they feel that they don't have a way out, okay, or they've tried a bunch of different easy things, you know, like the things that if they feel that they don't have a way out, then they can get a coach, okay. They can, you know, talk to somebody, a professional. Okay, of course I always recommend getting a coach, right? But we we want to make sure that we can get rid of the negativity because any negative thought is gonna trigger another negative thought. And that's how you have all of these different things that we're talking about here. The fear, the ego, you know, you know, in your head, all these different things here. It's all negativity, that's all it is.

Yeah, totally. And I especially love how uh do everybody accessibility made it sound. Um, I mean, if you can't just figure it out yourself, um, get yourself the coach. I mean, I love that. Um, and uh because I think that uh that is less forcing change and more allowing yourself to regulate and breathe again. Um, you know, find yourself in the room again. Um so Debbie, thank you so much for sharing your uh practical guidance with us today. Um, since I know a lot of people are going to feel seen and supported because of this conversation. And uh my key takeaway from this episode, uh, from this conversation particularly has been that um it is it is the shift that you create um within yourself. Um and that is that is uh that is when everything starts to shift around you, how you relate to yourself, um, your nervous system finally learns, find be safe to uh slow down. So um I think that's that's the um essence or the message that I'm taking away from this conversation. So thank you so much for this, Debbie.

Thank you very much for having me. I appreciate it.

Yeah, and and just before we uh you know wrap off, we'd love to ask uh that where can people learn more about you and your work?

Thank you. So I have a website, it's called lifeinbloom.net, L-I-F-E-I-N-B-L-O-O-M-Y for New York.net. And then um I have contact information on there. I have my phone number, you know, this email, and then I'm also on LinkedIn. They could just punch in my name. So I have very easy ways to contact.

Wonderful, wonderful, Debbie. Uh, I'll include those links in the show notes so um folks you can just send her a DM uh right away. Um, and with that, uh we hit today's minute mark on this conversation um in Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. Um, and if today's conversation resonated, folks, um, I want you to take it as a permission to pause, uh notice the patterns within, and choose kindness over self-connection. This has been Healthy Mind, Healthy Life with Scient. Um take a deep breath, take care of yourself, and um, I'll see you in the next one.