Welcome And Safety Disclaimer

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Welcome back to Healthy Mind, Healthy Life, the show where we talk honestly about what it actually takes to keep up showing for ourselves, our minds, and our lives. I'm your host Cyan, as most of you would already know, and today's guest brings a conversation that I think is going to line deeply for so many listeners. Our guest today is Brooke DeBore. And today we are gonna talk about overcoming abuse and toxic relationships and the journey of stepping back into a life that feels in your control, not someone else's idea or someone else's idea of recovery. And I invite you all, honestly, to join me on this journey because I I hope that you walk away with something soft to carry with. So, Brooke, welcome to the show. It's nice to have you here. And I think this is uh gonna be hitting some best soft for most of our listeners today. So I I hope to make this that you know self-realization moment, one of those self-realization moments. So yeah, nice to have you here.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

Thank you. I'm so glad to be here.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Likewise. So a little disclaimer for all the listeners that have joined us right now. Some statements made afflict personal belief and experiences, and I presented as individual views and not medical advice. Listeners should consult qualified professionals for medical conditions.

Why Brooke Chooses To Share

SPEAKER_01 1:27

So, before we kind of jump into the heavier parts of this conversation and even get to talk about abuse, I want to start somewhere with you because I think the work you do, the conversations that you're part of, they require so much I would say active listening, but also so much courage, you know. So, what was it first which told you that you know your story was one that needed to be shared, perhaps? Uh so when did you know this was something that you had to speak about?

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Well, for a long time, I've felt like I carried stories inside of me that I should share. I uh I love to help people. I love to talk to people. I'm very curious and interested in what makes people tick and how I can help people's lives be better. Ever since I was a little girl, I always cared a lot about. I still have a little note that I wrote to my parents. I can't even remember where I was, but it's a little handwritten note that just says, I hope you're happy. And I think I've always just been very empathic. I could pick up on people's feelings and emotions. And after I went through several experiences of bullying and then got into a couple of abusive relationships and began to heal and make a stand for myself. That was the point where I started to encounter other people who or hear other stories of people going through similar things. And I realized that my story wasn't really too unique. And as I got just a little bit older, it took me a long time to have the courage to share it out in the world. So I probably realized I needed to share it. And then there was a big space between when I actually shared it. But as I grew and I wanted to help people more, and I was in the space to help people more because I was more healed. It's a constant process, though. I feel like when you've been through trauma, it's a lifetime of healing that you go through. But as I got older and I started to get involved in nonprofit activity and helping and learning more about the statistics of abuse and domestic violence and different things associated with some of the experiences I had had, I realized it was really important to tell these stories to empower other people to know that they can heal, they can also come out of this and that they're not alone.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

Yeah, I mean, that's that's a pivotal part in Wanzo's life. And I think ultimately the decision you took, Brooke, I'm I'm sure that you know you had a positive outlook about, you know, everything that has perhaps happened to you at that point, right? When

Leaving Is Only The First Step

SPEAKER_01 4:26

you look back now. So I want to take this further to the next level because I think there's a misconception among so many of us that I think a lot of people would resonate today. Because I think it it really centers on toxic or abusive relationship. And you know, that once someone leaves that circle, the hard part is over, you know, just exiting. But but what do you think? You know, anyone who has actually lived through it knows I think it's often where the real work begins, maybe. But I'm curious how you have battled that and uh how you understand that whole process right now after walking your own path.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

Yes, once I left the last abusive relationship that I experienced, the healing just started, you know, because having the courage to leave is one step. But then rebuilding your self-confidence and trusting your ability to accept love into your life that's actually a healthy kind of love. And just being able to not sabotage the good that comes your way once you've exited an abusive situation, I think is really quite a process. I can tell you that my husband came along after the I had left the abusive relationship. And when he came along, I had done a lot of healing work. I had done some praying about my life and asking God to help me heal the wounds. I had in my situation, I had become a single mother with the abusive person and then left that situation. So I also became a mom and was learning how to be a mom at the same time. So when my husband came along, the first time he told me he loved me, I couldn't say it back right away because it felt it was such a sweet kind of a love. It was a different, respectful kind of love that I didn't have before. And I almost didn't feel like I deserved. So I then became aware that I needed to do some work on knowing that I deserved this kind of love, that this was the right kind of love, this was the love that is how it it's how it should feel. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01 7:07

Yeah, that that does make a lot a lot of sense, Brooke. And uh I think it's really grounding how you framed the last part because I think we all have been in situations where you know I mean there was a quote from a movie actually, I'm not exactly able to recall what that was, but eventually what it meant was that you know we all chase the love that we deserve, right? But I think that's a very famous movie. I'm not able to remember the name right now. But honestly, I would say it's not always about you, right? It's not always about what you think you deserve, it's more about how someone makes you feel and and then at a point you feel like okay he or she is being just way too nice, and you know, that's where the shame or the guilt starts kicking in. And that is the exact moment when you or one individual should realize that okay, there's more to this, perhaps you know, this this whole idea of love or that boundary, whatever that is, whatever that arbitrary thing it could be, that for which you're feeling the shame or guilt right now, is is induced in you because of these external validations, you know, maybe maybe you know, from your parents, your friends, movies could be a lot on the list, right? So I think I think it's so important, and I'm I I'm really glad that you brought that last point up, is that you realize that you are in or you should be in a healthy and a very respectful, I would say, dynamic with your partner, because that's where I think you start realizing what real love actually looks like, and you know it it it's more it's more about less about self-validation, right? And with that, Brooke, I would like to go into the next layer of this conversation because I I think for someone who's uh listening to this today, uh but just before that, I would love to ask, you know, how does how does I would say what what do survivors often discover that they have been quietly carrying long after the relationship ended? So if

The Wounds Survivors Carry Forward

SPEAKER_01 9:32

you can name a few things maybe so that you know we understand from there, how can we start with the healing process?

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Well, I think wounds is a great word. You know, it's like little cuts or little put-downs and things that say you're not enough just as you are, you know, that come from verbal abuse. And then the physical abuse tells you that you're not deserving of being safe and held in a loving sort of a way. And I think we collect these things when we're in an abusive relationship because they are they are things that are said and done to us, and we begin to they begin to drown out the good things that we the confidence and the good things that we see and know of ourselves. That voice becomes, I think, louder and more overpowering. And I think we live in more fear when we're in a relationship like that. We're afraid of being hurt, so we comply or we you know do what the other person is expecting of us. And then slowly our voice gets smaller and smaller inside because we're not exercising it, we're not using it, we're not able to say what we think and feel comfortable being who we are. So, and as far as how long it takes to heal for a relationship like this, for me, like I said, it's been a lifetime, there's lots of layers. It's like peeling the layers of an onion, you know, you get one thing sorted and then another thing sort of pops up and appears. But if you continue to seek the tools, and for me, learning about my relationship to God has been really helpful and how God is my parent and loves me unconditionally. And then also, you know, trusting in the strength of God to heal throughout over time. For me, that's really helpful. But then there's also some other really good tools out there. There was a book by Jackson McKenzie that I read that was called Whole Again, and he described the protective self that happens when you're in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship where somebody

Tools For Healing And Self Trust

SPEAKER_00 12:12

isn't honoring or respecting you, and it's like a broken heart inside of a circle. And then the behaviors that we do and take on to kind of help us not feel the pain of that broken heart often tend to be the layers that we need to find and peel off so that we can find our true self, because those are more just defense mechanisms. There are things that we do to cover the pain, but they're not necessarily healthy and functional things for us. For me, it was overworking and overproving, you know. I don't know if that's even a term, a real term, but working so hard to prove myself, prove my worth, prove that I could accomplish and do things. And, you know, some people get caught up in working so much on their appearance that they forget that, you know, working on our inner self is really important too. Or sometimes people fall into drugs and alcohol abuse because it numbs out that pain. You know, there's a variety of different ways that we do that. But as far as how long it takes for somebody to heal, that's a very individual process, in my opinion. And it's one worth doing because once you once you get into it and with the support of healthy people and professionals, it is possible to heal. And and slowly the negative voices and the other things will start to fade away for you, I believe. In any case, as long as you have the right support around you and the right tools.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Well, I I kind of think there's so much honesty to it because I think healing, the process of healing is never, you know, a finish line that you can see from a mile away, you know, that this is where I need to reach in a week or two weeks or three weeks. So I mean that's never healing. And in in the in the process itself, I mean it's kind of it's never a fixed process, right? You keep re-iterating so much. So I think it's it's really a relationship that we keep deepening with ourselves with more patience and with more understanding of ourself. And uh somewhere, you know, somewhere in that in that process, I think we are able to restore our core values. And when that happens, I think uh that is when you know we realize that we are going towards the right direction. So, Brooke, one last thing that I would want to ask because Sure. I think a lot of us might be in a spot where they're not I mean they really don't have any friends or people to you know have these kind of conversations conversations to right now. So maybe, maybe before we go, I would love to ask you that what would you really like to tell them right now, you know, from you to them, just one in in one single idea if you were to have to paraphrase the whole thing. What would you want them to hear right now who are carrying way too much?

SPEAKER_00 15:23

Well, you are a masterpiece of God's creation, every single one of us is, and every single one of us has everything that we need inside our heart to live life with purpose, with love, and with fulfillment, and it's your

You Are A Masterpiece And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 15:46

job to make a stand for yourself in this lifetime as you would take care of a masterpiece of art. So it I think that sums it up, right? Like if you have a masterpiece by Picasso or something in front of you, you're not gonna sit it on the floor or stomp on it or let people walk on it or not take care of it. I'm gonna be honest with you.

SPEAKER_01 16:17

I mean, I mean, we might I mean it's kind of weird and ironic that you know we value these, you know, millions of dollars worth of things. You know, that's that's right in front of us. You know, but we we never get to see us for who we are. It's the same analogy as, you know, like a mirror. We are like a mirror, honestly, you know, like the mirror can see, I mean it reflects everything, but the mirror really can't see itself. So, you know, it's the same analogy with the human consciousness, you know. We are wicked, we're conscious about what's in front of us, and maybe that is that is perhaps the I would say the ending idea of this conversation is that I think we are valuable and that you know we are never, I mean, we should never you know lower our values, you know, lower our voices for someone or a a a pair of incidents or instances that that could change our life. I think that is what I would like all our listeners to take away from from this conversation. But Brooke, I think this has been an honest and an eye-opening conversation, really. So for listeners who want to keep walking with your work, follow you, or even connect with you and send you a DM, where's the best place to find you at?

SPEAKER_00 17:39

I think the easiest place is on Instagram and it's at free, the word free, and then Brooke with an E. Or you can go to my website, which is thebrookdeboer.com. That's a little more challenging because you have to spell my last name, but hopefully you'll add it to your show notes and and they can you can message me there.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

Brilliant. So we'll have that in the show notes uh for you all so that you could easily reach out, Brooke. And folks, with that, I think the life that you were always meant to live did not disappear and cannot disappear. I think that's something that you have to wait for yourself to choose yourself again and again every time. So that is what I would like you all to perhaps leave with today. And uh, if something in this conversation did reach you today, maybe take that one step and come up with something afterwards because I think stories like this often unlock things in us that we didn't know we were still holding. So if something inside you finally gets stirred, I would want you all to please follow the show Healthy Mind Healthy Life because we are exactly for conversations like this. And this has been science, folks. Uh so I just want you all to take care of yourself this week. And with that, we'll see you in the next one again.