Acceptance As Quiet Strength

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Dear listeners, you know, like there's a kind of strength that we don't talk about enough. Like, not the kind that pushes through or powers past, but the kind that stands still and sees clearly. It is a strength that comes from acceptance, from knowing them to stop fighting what is and start building from where you actually are. So today we are exploring what it really means to create a life grounded in that kind of clarity and how acceptance becomes the foundation for everything that follows. So, hey dearest sons, welcome back to another Powerful episode of Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. I'm your host, Avik, and I'm really glad that all of you are here today. And um, this is the show. Uh, it's all about the real everyday work of taking care of your mind, the small shifts that add up, and the conversations that um help us all find our way forward with uh a little more understanding and a lot more compassion. And joining me today is Jasper Calgary. So welcome to the show. Yeah, thank you. Glad to be here. Appreciate it. Amazing, amazing.

Misconceptions And The Perfect Facade

SPEAKER_01 1:19

So Jasper, I'd have to start with uh thing like when I when when people hear the word acceptance, especially around building a strong life. I think there's this worry that it means giving up or settling. So, what is the biggest misconceptions that you see about what acceptance actually is?

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Yeah, I think that a lot of people, you know, for my journey was about building success in my professional life and not giving the same level of care and attention and acceptance to the things that threatened my stability in my personal life. So my relationship with acceptance really was at that pivotal turning point where I had kind of built everything as a beautiful life and facade from the outside, but I hadn't really acknowledged and healed a lot of the things that I was carrying inside. I I couldn't accept them, I couldn't acknowledge them, I couldn't heal them until it was kind of too late. So my relationship with acceptance since has and and and my journey really since is to help people, you know, find the power in acceptance because it unlocks like this incredible potential, and we're not sacrificing our ability to do more by by accepting these things, we're actually giving ourselves the capability to do more.

SPEAKER_02 2:43

Yeah.

Signs, Relationships, And Self-Forgiveness

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Exactly. So so here also, like I mean, so if it's not about giving up, then what does true acceptance look like in practice when someone's facing something really difficult?

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Yeah, so for me, I I I had to hit rock bottom, and which many people do, right? They many people truly kind of lose almost everything before they're able to really change their trajectory. And I just hate that as the it's not necessary, you know. So acceptance means there's always signs throughout your life. There's signs of things that are not not running well, right? There's things about us that that make us act, behave in in ways that we're not always proud of, that don't have a really great outcome or influence on the people in the world around us, but that we shield ourselves from really seeing it, right? Because we either can't accept it, we don't have the capability to accept it, we feel that there's no hope. So that we just avoid it, or we don't see path forward. So I think that that's the thing is that there are always signs. People might say, Well, I just don't know what to work on. The signs tend to show themselves in your really close relationships, right? It with between you and your family members, you and your your your romantic partners. So wherever you're finding a lot of friction, a lot of of constant discomfort or arguments, usually that's a key that that's something is is unhealthy, unstable there. And that's the first step forward, is acknowledging, okay, there was there's something under the surface. And then acceptance means uh letting go and forgiving yourself for what you carry. Because so much of us carry shame for the things that cause harm around us, and we don't want to accept it. But once we accept, look, I'm only human, I can only try to do better, let go of the shame and let's try to work on this is is really the most important step.

SPEAKER_02 4:54

Exactly.

Survival Mode And The Armor We Wear

SPEAKER_01 4:57

When you think about why acceptance is so hard for people, what do you see as the deeper patterns or root causes that keep us stuck in fighting reality?

SPEAKER_00 5:11

I think that we a lot of us just it's survival mode. We're stuck in long-term fight or flight, so it's it tends to be some kind of an issue that's with us from when we're very. It could be a trauma, it could be just the way that we're naturally wired, it could be anything, but that we carry it when we're so young that we start to develop ways to manage it, right? To hide it, to work around it, to compensate for it. So by the time that we are mature enough that we're aware that, hey, this is not having the outcome that I like and I'd like to address it, it's so well armored, it's so well protected, it's so much of who we are. It makes that challenge incredibly difficult. That's always been my approach with raising my children is to be able to be more in tune with these things early, have the vocabulary to just to discuss it, to pay attention to how you're feeling and how it makes others feel. But so many of us, like me, went through so many years of of building a system to hide it and compensate that by the time that I wanted to do something about it, I had so much work to do, so many layers to unpeel. And I just think that that's that's a very common that's a common theme amongst people. They find themselves wanting to change. The longer you wait, oftentimes, you know, the more challenging it becomes also how do how do those patterns start?

SPEAKER_01 6:44

Like, is is this something we learn easy um kind of early, or does it build over time as life gets more complicated?

SPEAKER_00 6:52

You mean the patterns of kind of hiding and compensating?

SPEAKER_01 6:56

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

Yeah, I mean, for me, it kind of showed itself in terms of what I call a Superman complex where I needed to be perfect, I needed to save people because I was compensating for not loving myself enough. Everybody, I think, has some type of armor or mask or costume they wear to kind of project to the world that they feel different than they actually do inside. They feel stronger than they actually do inside. Right. So, so whatever that is, we all build it in slightly different ways. But, you know, I would I would actually name it, I would say I had a Superman complex. I would celebrate it almost, not not really being able to understand how potentially damaging that type of of an approach to life can be. So I think that people just, you know, they build these up over time and then they start to see the impact it has on themselves and those around them. But is but it they are so ingrained in who that persona is, who that character is, it takes a big shift to step outside and look back at that character and say, why am I wearing this costume? Why am I wearing that armor? What's it truly protecting? And oftentimes it's protecting some kind of damage that needs love and needs healing. And and that's that you know, that's an incredible first step is acknowledging it.

Validation, Anxiety, And Control Patterns

SPEAKER_01 8:29

So if you talk about the uh everyday part, like I mean what does it look like when someone is living without acceptance? Like, how does that show up in the small moments, the daily patterns that maybe we don't even notice?

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Yeah, I it just I believe for most people it just shows up in almost everything they do. And again, I can only kind of go back to my experience, but I think we all share a similar overlap. You know, I I by feeling a lack of self-worth, right? By not truly loving myself, I constantly need it from the outside. So in almost everything I did, I was looking for validation, right? That shows up constantly. It never stopped, right? So it it it drove how I behaved in almost everything that I did. Luckily, I also cared a lot about people around me that that behavior didn't typically cause damage to other people, even though it was damaging to myself. And then also I had anxiety, so that I would always be trying to control the world around me because anxiety is about feeling out of control. So it really comes down to each and every one of us, whatever we're caring that we haven't acknowledged, you know, it's draw, it's it's it's influencing almost everything we do, sometimes very severely, or sometimes not so much. But if you are able to sit back and reflect on your behavior over days or weeks or months or years, you're gonna notice patterns. And those are the patterns that you start to put together the puzzle. But I found that we're not all equipped to solve that puzzle. We don't have a lot of us the training, the strategy to solve it. Even if we start to put the pieces together, we almost always need help. And a lot of people, it's really difficult for them to ask for help. But asking for help from the people that can truly help us, whether it's doctors or support systems, right? We need to shed that ego and and actually go out in the world and find the help that we need. Exactly. Exactly.

A Practical Framework To Begin

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Obviously. That sounds like relief, honestly, because uh to stop carrying the weight of what you can't change and put that energy into what's actually in front of you, right? So and also like for someone who wants to start building their life or acceptance, what is a practical or reflective approach that you would recommend?

SPEAKER_02 11:00

Like where do they begin?

SPEAKER_00 11:04

Well, yes, beginning is acknowledging, right? Acknowledging what it is because some of the things that we carry bring us beautiful gifts, right? Some of it is destructive, some of it is difficult, but some of it is actually incredibly beautiful, and it's the core of who you are. So it's kind of separating those two. I've always kind of called them like, what's an unhealthy part of my behavior and what's a healthy part? What are the drivers that drive me? So even though some of the things were unhealthy, they drove me to do incredible things, right? So as I tried to accept who I was, I wanted to hold on to the things that were that were useful and that I that were important. And I wanted to give the ones that were more destructive and the support they needed so that they weren't so damaging to me and those at those around. So if you're trying to build something, it's about those is isolating, you know, what are the healthy things and the things that you know that are beautiful about you and that give you a lot of skills and try to amplify those. Then there's the things that are more destructive and carry a lot of shame and destruction, and you need to forgive yourself and then start to find a support system for those. Because just the fact that you acknowledge and forgive, it just releases so much weight you're carrying. We're all trying to hide so much, and that weighs you down. As soon as that weight comes off, what can you do when weight comes off? You can do a heck of a lot more. Right. So you are shedding this unnecessary weight, you're forgiving yourself. You're you're pushing these things that you're good at and that are are are are healthy, and you're giving love and support to the things that are damaging, right? That whole process is like I see it like working like an engine that is running really smooth versus an engine that has all these, you know, this gunk in it that you don't want to address.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

Right.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

So okay.

When Acceptance Feels Like Failure

SPEAKER_01 13:09

Uh and also like uh what would you say to someone who's tried acceptance before and felt like it didn't work or that they have failed at it somehow? So what do you have to say?

SPEAKER_00 13:22

I mean, just just it's a lifelong, it's a lifelong journey. Acceptance and and what comes once you do accept and move forward, it's never even though I've made huge strides forward and healed in significant things, I know that it's an end never-ending journey. So that I all I can do is gain confidence that I can handle it more and more consistently and in healthier, right? I have the patterns, I have the resources, I have the strategies that when my behaviors start to become negative again, I can I one, I'm aware of it, and two, I know how to correct myself quicker. So all I all I can tell people who feel like they're lost or stuck or or they failed is it's like anything in life. We can't we can't give up. We have to try new things. So for me, it's about evolving. It's about you've been trying it one way and it didn't work. That's okay. You have to try something new. Something new means going out and being uncomfortable. Because anytime you're uncomfortable, you develop a new skill set of some sort. And you typically uh bring a lot of really positive energy from getting through something difficult. So it's, you know, it's hard for us to go out there and and seek out discomfort. But I honestly feel like it's the the the most important piece to getting unstuck. So if you're feeling stuck, go get uncomfortable, try extremely, you know, and try a bunch of new things.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:57

Exactly.

Space, Discomfort, And How To Connect

SPEAKER_01 15:00

So, and if you have to give one advice to the listeners, what that means.

SPEAKER_02 15:05

One advice just overall? Yeah. It takes space.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

I mean, we can't really deal with the complexity of who we are and the life around us and those we impact when we're constantly engaged in things, especially today with you know our phones and and all the technology. It's we have these built-in numbing mechanisms. So it's getting more and more difficult for people to take space. And in space is a ton of discomfort. But in space comes clarity, it comes direction, it comes connection. So it's about putting that phone down, avoiding working or whatever it is that you do. Everybody has their thing that they do to distract themselves. And it might even sound like a good thing, like, oh, go to the gym seven days a week and it's making me healthy. Well, also, it could be that you're just you're just avoiding the space because it's so uncomfortable. So really, I think it's if it was anything I'd ever give advice, it starts with that. Because when I was the most stuck in my life, it's when I took space away from the problem that these the solutions started to show themselves and the paths started to show themselves.

SPEAKER_01 16:23

So and yeah, like if listeners want to connect with you, what would the great be able to connect?

SPEAKER_00 16:31

Yeah, so the easiest way to connect with me on my website is just jaspercalcara.com and my Instagram is JasperCalkaraofficial. And then if you search my name like YouTube or anything, there's more and more content going up there, and and I'm also working on a book. So yeah, any any questions if this sparked any interest in in my philosophy, I'm building an actual structured kind of framework to approach these types of challenges. Yeah, love to hear from you. But um, yeah, I appreciate the time. It's been it's been great.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

Amazing, amazing, great. So uh dear listeners, what I'll do is I'll put all the links, details, everything into the show notes for easy reference. And just for thank you so much for this conversation. Uh it's really, really great. And uh so so before we go, I want to leave you with this, dear listeners, that building a strong life doesn't mean that building a life without struggle, but it means building a life where you are not at war with yourself, where you can see what's real and work from there. So acceptance gives you that ground to stand on. And as you move through your day, through your week, notice like where we are fighting, what is, and ask yourself that what might open up if you stopped. So thank you so much for being here, for listening, and for doing this work. And with this hope, I am hop I'm your host awake, and this is Healthy My Health Life. I'll see you in the next one. Thank you so much.