When A Perfect Life Feels Lonely

SPEAKER_00 0:00

There's a very particular kind of loneliness that comes with having a life that looks exactly the way you planned it. The career, relationships, achievements, the profile that we dwells, and still, something underneath all of that quietly says that this isn't quite right. I'm performing this life more than I'm living it, those kind of thoughts. And today's guest woke with women who are living that exact gap.

Meet Nikama Phillips And The Gap

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Welcome back to another episode of Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. I'm your host Cyan, as some of you would know, and I'm so glad that you're here for this one. My guest today is Nikama Phillips, a life and relationship coach for women, host of the Marriage Magnet podcast, and someone whose work sits at the very heart of what it really means to truly experience your own life rather than simply manage it. She helps women make their inner world a beautiful and fulfilling place to be. So I invite you all to join me on this conversation where we would be talking a little bit on the personal and the professional lives that uh you can build that can actually be felt, appreciated, and live with real joy. So, Nekama, welcome to the show. It's a pleasure to have you here with me today.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Thank you so much, Nekama. So, Nekama, before we go anywhere with uh, you know, perhaps the most important part of today's conversation would be um on boundaries, but we'll come

Her Turning Point Behind The Scenes

SPEAKER_00 1:31

to that later. Uh I want to start with something personal. The work that you do, which is how think women reconnect with their inner world, where did that really come from? Uh, you know, for you. Was there a moment in your life where you recognized that that gap between how things looked and how they actually felt changed something in you?

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Definitely. I mean, there's there are several moments for me, but I would say in my most recent experiences, there has come a point in my business and life, like I'm a mom of two, and I feel like from the outside everything looked and and truly was really beautiful and really happy. You know, my marriage, my children, my business, everything was technically going well, but there was something inside of me that felt just like squashed, I guess, and just not like I was not able to actually experience and live and appreciate the beauty of the life that I built. And so there was definitely that was I I would say the most recent moment where I had that realization yet again that it's so much about how you feel and how you think inside that matters so that you can appreciate the outside.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

Yeah, I mean that gap uh, you know, that you mentioned, I think that is something that really builds over time with uh, you know, as respon responsibilities um come up and uh I mean um between how woman's life looks and how it actually feels. I think a lot of women will recognize that immediately, but might struggle to uh articulate it initially. So before we talk about what does it actually feel like from the inside, I think we understand that it a little bit uh from you know the initial um part of this conversation, but uh what we want to talk about why does it

How Values And Identity Get Lost

SPEAKER_00 3:23

even surfaces? Like is it you know the fast-paced life or is it the materialistic aspect that uh you know we often get uh so much involved in that we really forget our core values? So what is it really, according to you, that um I mean, for for what uh this issue really surfaces, even yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

It it's it's I think for each person it will happen because of a different reason. Yeah. Um but uh overall, if we have to generalize it, I would say there's definitely, like you touched on, a little bit of a loss of values, of personal core values being put at the forefront throughout the search for something or the desire for something or the achievement of something. So if we want something, especially women who are successful, um there's the ambition is there, the drive is there, and they're heading in that direction. And even if they think their core values are are there and they're like, oh yeah, for sure, I'm you know, living out my values, it they somehow lose the connection to feeling their values and the meaning and the fulfillment of that. And I would also say that ties into losing the clarity on their identity within all of those roles, especially I find with women who are wives and mothers and business owners and friends and neighbors and community members. And if, you know, if you are religious, maybe even in your religious community and just all the different like roles that you have within your life that are meaningful to you, you somehow, even though it looks like you're living all of them really well, you kind of lost yourself inside of them and you're not actually sure of who you are. There's no like you can't tangibly feel it really.

SPEAKER_00 5:13

Yeah, I I I love how you framed it. And um, well, I mean, I I do feel um this gap myself as well. And you know, I I could say that um I mean I would name a few, but uh for me, I think the most important would be um you know getting so lost in this fast-paced uh lies, particularly. And uh I think you touched it upon that beautifully, is that you know, chasing some particular ambitions or desires, and uh I think then in that case that tension becomes real because from the outside it it's like everything looks fine, and uh that very success I would say can become its own kind of trap. You know, you you feel like you should complain, shouldn't feel this way, maybe even that something is wrong with you for not being more grateful. And so that that gap just quietly gets wider while the performance gets more um noticeable, or I I would say even uh

Why The Inner World Feels Risky

SPEAKER_00 6:05

um what what would be the best word? Polished, I would say, right? So you you you said something that really um stayed with me, Nikama. So uh I I want to touch base upon that a little. Uh, is that sometimes it's easier for women to really perform and achieve than to really face their inner world. So I think that's really a very honest um observation. So what do you really think is in that inner world that feels so risky to turn towards?

SPEAKER_01 6:31

Yeah, I mean, your your inner world is usually the first to go, I would say, especially for women, because we are so, and obviously, of course, this is generally speaking, focused on being there, being within the roles of our lives and being there for other people and being the person that other people expect of us based on that role. So our inner world and how we feel about things often gets pushed down pretty quickly in the pursuit of achievement or even in the pursuit of just being like a really a good wife, a good mom, a good friend, a good community member. Um, we often don't place that value and that emphasis on how we are connecting to ourselves because we just I think we're we're taught it's obviously a lot of conditioning and and culturally there there's a lot of factors and variables, but I I would say generally speaking, that's usually the first to go. And we often don't realize it until we're a little bit too far gone where we're not sure like what why something is wrong, or is there something wrong? Or like you said before, am I just not being grateful? Um, and of course, this can happen to men too, but it's like I think for women, especially because we have that natural and maybe cultural tendency to be everything for everyone and to do put our attention into our roles, our the connection to ourselves and our inner world doesn't seem as important until we realize we may have lost like the heart of it all.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

Yeah, that's I think a very important message for all the listeners who are listening to this right now. It's that kind of exhaustion that really does not show up in any metric, no matter how hard you try to uh measure. Um I think you can also be perfectly productive on one side and uh almost like profoundly lost at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 8:17

Um for sure. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

And um what you're really describing is pointing to to that

Self Isolation And Relationship Disconnect

SPEAKER_00 8:25

you know, that achievement and being alive are not the same thing. So uh Nikawa, since you also uh help women um I mean, not just helping them make their inner world a beautiful and fulfilling place to be, you also uh you know touch on relationships aspect as well, uh, attraction, dating, and marriage as well. So I want to ask you about the connection between a woman's relationship with herself and the quality of the relationship that she builds with others. So, how do you directly um see that inner world that you talked about earlier playing out in women who choose um in how they connect and what they're really willing to receive?

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Yes, it's a great question. I think that, like I said, the inner world is the first to go, but I would even niche down on that and say specifically the relationship to self and relationship to others is the first to go within the inner world. Um, and the the in the pursuit of achievement and in the pursuit of being in all of those roles, we sometimes tend to self-isolate and just kind of go into this place where we forget to foster the inner world, but that in turn kinds of it puts up barriers basically between us and ourselves and us and our our loved ones. So I would say personally, for me, I felt that within my marriage for sure. I didn't necessarily know how to name it until you know I've started to overcome it. But there was this there a little bit of like a subtle disconnection and tendency to isolate. So my feelings and my struggles and my, you know, lack of fulfillment in all the different areas, instead of connecting with myself and with my husband and with my family and with my friends over that and using the support that I do have to, you know, to help myself and to feel supported. I was just isolating more and more because once it's almost like once you go into that mode of isolation, you don't believe anyone can really understand or be there for you or see you in your entirety. And so it's not just the inner world, it's also impacts relationships directly, I would say, as the first line of defense, because our minds will trick us into believing that people can't be there for us or that our connections are not as, you know, supportive as we think. And and our mind will play those tricks on us until we feel even more lonely. And it's not even, like you said, a burnout necessarily when it comes to business. It's more almost like a personal connection burnout, I would say.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

Yeah, yeah. And and uh that that gap even you know widens out when uh you're doing good in your business, right? Um so I think and that is something that people really underestimate because uh it's not just about feeling

Boundaries As Filters Not Walls

SPEAKER_00 11:20

better in yourself, it changes what you tolerate and what you ask for. So uh Nekama, one thing that you uh also spoke a little earlier in this conversation was that uh, you know, a woman naturally tend to I would say try to fit in with everyone around her, right? You talk about uh helping uh a woman experience their lives on the other side with more aliveness and joy. And I think those two um are somewhat contradictory, right? Um in the sense how can someone um be present with herself and also um build meaningful connections with people around them, um but obviously have a very clear set boundary because I think you know, having boundaries um and this could be in different contexts, like uh professional, it could be in uh personal lives, you know, your dating lives, um like you could really uh stretch this uh layer of conversation, I would say, but uh how do you really make these kind of boundaries without really I would say harming the relation with the other person? Because I think personally I feel that uh women naturally tend to feel more about what the other person thinks about, you know, how she thinks about them. So what are you trying to say?

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Yeah, I I think honing in on the way that you feel about yourself and your own identity and what matters to you, naturally will help you put up the correct boundaries and the correct, like in the proper situations. Um, and like you said, they'll they'll all be different. But if you don't have clarity on who you are and your identity and your own inner world, like we're talking about, it's very hard to put up boundaries that actually do what you want them to do. So boundaries, even though sometimes we think it's they're walls to put people out, they're really just filters and they're just ways that we can connect the people in the right way. And I think when you're very clear on who you are and you're very clear on the self that you're bringing to your business, to your marriage, to your friendships, it it feels very natural to have those filters in place in the right ways that serve you and serve them. And if anything, if the the lack of that clarity on your own identity is what makes everything muddled and confusing. And then you start to put up boundaries that are barriers that do isolate you, like we were saying before, because you're so concerned, you're like, I'm not, I'm not feeling as good as I want to feel, or like things are internally, you're struggling without really having a voice or a name for it. And so you might start to put up boundaries that are actually harmful, that are not really what I would consider boundaries, but it seems like it. You think you're doing what people say self-care, healthy boundaries, you know, like you're in the name of trying to do what you think might be good for you, you could be losing out on that connection and isolating yourself further.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

Absolutely. And and I think uh that really, you know, resonated with me. Uh, so if you could really tell who you really are, I think uh that really solves majority, you know, the major chunk of the problem. And I I I love uh that shift in the vantage point that he gave about uh, you know, how you see boundaries and um, you know, uh seeing them as filters rather than seeing them as uh obsolete walls.

What She Wants You To Hear

SPEAKER_00 15:03

So uh for a for a woman who's listening to this right now, uh Nikalma, who is quietly recognizing herself in any part of this conversation, um, maybe has been performing her life really well, but hasn't really felt alive for a long time. So what would you rather want her to hear right now?

SPEAKER_01 15:22

So many things. But I would say the the first thing and the first thing that I needed to hear was that the way that you feel about yourself, the way that you see yourself, your own emotions, your own well-being really matters. And it matters more than you're giving yourself credit for. And it it matters more than you're giving it attention. And it's about time that you say, This is not a waste of time to connect myself. This is not a waste of time to for me was hiring the right life coach and and support to for me to to connect to myself again and to do that self-discovery and that self-exploration, which we often do at very pivotal points in time. So I find that especially a woman who just has her first child, a lot of times there's that um, you know, she has to go through that that journey. So we're we're self-discovering at all points of our lives. But uh the first thing I would say to someone who is feeling this way is that your feelings matter, your inner world matters. There is no, there's no world more important than your inner world. And to just keep going and saying, Oh, I hope it's gonna get better. I think maybe if I'm just a little more successful, maybe if I have a little more money, I could get more support and then I'll have free time. But it's like, well, what will you do with that free time? Continue to block out your emotions, continue to fill it with things that don't truly serve you. Like there's basically just coming back to like I matter. And I, me, that's regardless of all my roles, me within all of my roles, coming back to my own identity matters more than I've been paying attention to. And it's time, it's it's worthwhile, and it's time to take stock of like how I truly feel and how I'm doing inside of my life so that I can build a beautiful life that supports the the the way that I want to experience it as opposed to just how it looks.

SPEAKER_00 17:08

Beautiful. I think that's really spot on. And uh, I hope this is something that really uh reignites um that that fire in a lot of uh listeners listening to this right now, folks. And what I'm really carrying away from uh today's conversation is that your life might look good on paper, um, but that gap that you really talked about on what's on paper versus what what you're feeling, I think that can widen till the point that you realize that you can close it from the inside and that inner world, the one that so many of us have been quietly avoiding, I think that might be the most important place that you will ever choose to visit. So that's something that I would uh invite you all to think about and maybe ponder as we wrap this off.

Where To Find Her And Closing

SPEAKER_00 17:55

But uh Nekama for anyone who uh really resonated with this part of the conversation, or for anyone who wants to work with you, explore your podcast even, or simply spend more time in the world that you've created. Where can they find you at?

SPEAKER_01 18:07

Yeah, so I'm at Nakama Philips on Instagram. I have a podcast called the Marriage Magnet Podcast. And um nakamaphilips.com. I'm I would be happy to talk to anyone who is feeling this way and wants to explore working together in the life coaching capacity.

SPEAKER_00 18:22

Perfect. So I'll include the details in the show notes, folks, so that you could easily um explore Nakama's work or even send her a DM or uh explore her podcast as well. So um unfortunately we hit today's minute mark on this uh episode. Uh but Nekama, I I want to really thank you because I think this was that kind of conversation that really asked something of the list there, a kind of you know, honest look and word. And uh I think I really enjoyed your um honesty and the clarity that you brought into the mix. So uh thank you so much for joining us today and sharing uh your insights with us.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Thank you. Thank you for that reflection and thank you for having me. This was a great conversation.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

Likewise, Nekama. So, folks, if today's conversation found you at the right time, at the right moment, please do share it with a woman in your life who might need to hear it. And uh please don't forget to subscribe to Healthy Band Healthy Life wherever you get your podcast. Um, because uh we are trying to build a network that is worth uh coming back to every time. Take care of yourselves today and uh folks, this has been scien, and I'll see you the next one.