Quiet Pride And The Hidden Toll

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Most of us think pride is loud. The arrogant coworker, the person who has to be right, the ego that struts into a room before the body does. But the pride that actually costs us something rarely looks like that. It looks like the quiet refusal to ask for help, the smile that hides exhaustion, the story we tell ourselves about being fine long after we stopped being fine. Tonight, we're talking about the pride no one sees and the toll it quietly takes on the mind, the heart, and the people we love. Welcome back to Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. I am Archita and I'm so glad you're here today. I am in conversation with Timothy Allen, author of Before the Fall, founder of the Romans 10 9 Discipleship app and a pastor with over four decades of walking alongside people through the highest moments of their lives and the hardest ones. Today, we are sitting with something most of us don't want to look at honestly. How pride, the kind that hides in good people, quietly erodes our mental and emotional health long before anything visibly breaks. So, Timothy, welcome to the show and thank you for being here.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Thank you. It's a pleasure to be with you on today, and I want to say hi to you and to all of your listeners.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

It's such an honor to host you today, Timothy. And I'm sure this conversation is going to help a lot of listeners out there and maybe uh make them realize of something that's been happening since a long time now. So we will start, but before starting, there is a gentle disclaimer to our listeners. Some statements reflect personal belief and experiences and are presented as individual views, not medical advice. So listeners should consult qualified professionals for medical conditions. And now that we have this out of the way without wasting any further time, let's dive into the conversation.

How Timothy Learned Pride Is Quiet

SPEAKER_01 2:14

And uh before we open up the bigger conversation, Timothy, I want to ask you something that is more personal. So after more than 40 years of sitting with people through their real lives, was there a moment or maybe a season when you first realized that pride wasn't a loud problem, that it was actually a quiet one hiding inside people who looked like they were doing fine?

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Um, I don't know if there was just a moment that happened. I think it was a cumulative thing that happened to me over years, many years. But one thing that I can definitely say that I observed, and that is the reason why we talk about pride being quiet is because it's always easy to see the things that other people are doing. It's hard to recognize something in yourself, even when it's uh right up front and glaring in your face. And that was one of the bigger things that I noticed. The other thing, excuse me. The other thing that I noticed as well is that for some strange reason, and I think it and I I think it has to do with human nature, uh, you and I can be doing the same thing, but somehow when you do it, it looks so much worse than when I do it. And I and I and I think that that's actually where this thing starts. You know, I think as humans, we like to make ourselves feel better at the expense of someone else. So, in other words, I may say, I do this particular thing, but I'm not as bad as this other person who does this other thing. And that's where it begins. And it sudden and it slowly over time develops into something that's a much larger problem.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

I think, Timothy, what you have just described might be a lot more common than people realize. So I think this is a great place to uh start this conversation because a lot of listeners will be able to resonate to what you what you just said, but um, that also makes us curious about what the root of uh you know this problem might be. And I'm sure you are going to help us navigate that as well uh during this conversation. So this this really sets the tone for uh what we're aiming to achieve by the end of this episode today, and um that also brings me to another point, Timothy.

The Misconceptions We Call Pride

SPEAKER_01 4:50

Um, I want to start uh where I think most people get this wrong. So when we hear the word pride, we picture arrogance, ego, or someone showing off. But in your work, you talk about a much quieter version of it. So, what is the biggest misconception people carry about what pride actually is in their everyday life?

SPEAKER_00 5:13

Well, well, again, you're you're right when you say that most people think about, you know, arrogance and the very and the and the very big things, but you can also have subtle mindsets that were developed, let's say, culturally. You know, it was something that I grew up in, and to me, it's not really a big problem. But then when you step outside of it and you see that because of how I was raised or because of what I was exposed to, it is absolutely uh fixed my mind in a particular direction. A lot of people don't look at it that way, and one of the reasons why, and this is just one example, one of the reasons why we don't tend to look at it that way is because we obviously tend to love the people who raised us. But sometimes when you take a look in life, you begin to see that the people who rage you, you know, they could have loved you and you loved them, but they had some views that were from a Christian perspective very ungodly. And now what happens is I'm sort of stuck in between this place of if I acknowledge that those views that were taught to me when I was growing up were wrong, it's somehow disrespecting the people who raised me that I love. And I see a lot of people stuck in that area where they believe, and it's a false, it's a false belief, but they believe it, that if I abandon these ways, I'm somehow disrespecting those people that I love.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

That makes so much more sense now, Jimothy. And what you just shared, I think that reframe it is so important because if we only watch for the loud version, we miss the quiet one that's already costing us our peace. So that is um a really important reframe. Thank you so much for sharing that, Jimothy. And uh let's let's say stay with what you just said. Um, pride that hides in good, decent, hardworking people doesn't just appear out of nowhere. That's usually there's uh usually something underneath it as well. So, from everything that you have seen, what tends to feed that quite pride and what is it really protecting?

Comparison As Pride’s Fuel

SPEAKER_00 7:38

Well, I think I I think it comes from something that's scriptural. The Bible says that we as individuals tend to compare ourselves with others, they compare themselves by themselves, and when we and when we do that, it's very easy to develop an attitude that says that I am better than someone else for whatever reason. But it's only when we begin to understand that God is the standard, and when a person begins to compare themselves to that standard, then their eyes begin to open. And a lot of the attitudes that we have had towards others and also towards ourselves begin to change. You know, when you when you see yourself from the standpoint of God, you begin to understand that I'm in no position to condemn anyone, I'm in no position to look down on anyone, and I'm certainly in no position to say that my behaviors are better than someone else's behaviors. And I don't think that many people uh do that. They they tend to stick to I'm better than this person because I don't do what they do, and that's dangerous.

SPEAKER_01 9:01

Yes, I think a lot of listeners will be able to resonate with that feeling as well, and I think that's such an um honest insight. So often, what looks like strength on the outside is really a wall we built without realizing what it was costing us. But uh the question is, how does that protection slowly turn into something that isolates us from the very people we could actually help?

Why Pride Stops Us From Help

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Well, well, now now you've gone into a whole other category because this type of this type of pride is the is the pride that says, I can't let other people know that I'm in trouble, that I'm not, that I'm not doing well, because we value their opinion sometimes more than we should. Let me get let me give you a quick biblical example. There's a story in the Bible where Jesus is coming to his disciples and he's walking on water, and this happens at night, and the disciples see him from a distance, they think he's a ghost. Now, Jesus cries out, It's me, don't be afraid. Now, Peter spoke up and he says, Lord, if it's you, let me come to you on the water. And Jesus tells him to come. Now, I want you to consider something for a moment. This is not in the this is not in the text, but I want you to consider something for a moment. When Peter decided to step out of that boat, there may have been other disciples in the boat, because again, they didn't know if it was a ghost or not. There may have been other disciples in the boat who who were telling him, you know what, you're crazy to do that. You don't know, you don't know what's out there. You're crazy. So let's say Peter goes against their advice and he steps out on the water. Now he's walking on the water and he's doing he's doing great. But the Bible says that when he began to look around and see where he was, he began to sink. Now, here comes the issue. If Peter had been like most of us, because the Bible says that Peter cried out, but if Peter had been like most of us, we wouldn't have cried out. You know why? Because if I cry out, those people on the boat are gonna say, We told you so. That's why you shouldn't have done what you did. And that pride says, I can't cry out because if I cry out, they'll know that I'm sinking. But look at the cost of not crying out. If you don't cry out, you'll drown. So you have a so you have a choice to make. Do you do you cry out and let others know that you're drowning, or do you say nothing and allow yourself to and allow yourself to go down? And therein lies the problem. We allow that pride to say, I can't let them know that I'm drowning. And and many people have suffered needlessly because they would not let people know that they were drowning.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Wow, I think that was the perfect biblical reference that you could have given, Timothy, for this situation. Because so many of us actually do that in real life. We don't want others to see our vulnerable selves, and that's where our pride comes in. And even if it costs us a lot, we all we care about is maintaining that pride, and which is um the biggest problem, which becomes the biggest problem over time. So I think you have explained that perfectly.

How Quiet Pride Shows Up Daily

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Uh, now I want to bring this into the everyday life. So, Timothy, uh, what does this quiet pride actually look like in ordinary life? Like not in a dramatic moment, but in a normal week, in normal relationships, or in the way someone talks to themselves at night.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

I I I think in the in in the normal everyday life, it's convincing, it's convincing yourself that you're okay, that you're okay. You know, we we don't have to have big glaring things going on in our lives to convince ourselves or try to or try to convince ourselves, I should say, that we're that we are absolutely doing doing okay. I think honest conversations with the self are hard for people to do. And and that's a big that's a big issue. It's difficult to look in the mirror, let's say. It's difficult to look in the mirror and be honest about what you see. That's hard, that's hard. Because on some level, it says if I acknowledge certain things about myself, then that makes me a bad person. It makes me a bad individual. And again, all of this is all of this is false guilt, but if I acknowledge certain things about myself, it makes me a bad person. And we convince ourselves that if I don't acknowledge it, somehow it's not true. And we and we live our lives that way, simply not acknowledging things that really are true, because we believe that if we don't acknowledge it, it's not true, it's not true. And on a everyday, on an everyday life situation, this is what people, this is what people do.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And what you just said, that really hits something because so many of us don't really want to admit to ourselves that um you know things are not right. So yeah, I think a lot of people listening right now are going to recognize themselves in what you just described, and they didn't have a name for it until this moment. So this will really help them to identify this feeling. So thank you so much for that, Timothy. And um, coming back to you, uh, you have spent your life helping people grow into something more honest and more whole.

Start Tonight With Simple Honesty

SPEAKER_01 15:25

So I want to ask you directly uh if someone listening realizes that they have been carrying this uh quieter pride, what's a simple or doable starting place for them today? Not a five-year plan, but something that they can begin tonight.

SPEAKER_00 15:43

Something something that you could do tonight is to be uh to be honest, okay. Honest honesty hurts, but it is that hurt that often shocks you back into reality. You have to begin to be honest. Now, honesty doesn't mean that you immediately begin to take on all of these massive issues that you may have in your life. That can be over, that can be overwhelming, but a small step that you can take is to say, I am no longer not going to be honest about things that are going on in my life. Now, obviously, there will be different things that you have to put in place in order to become the person that you're supposed to be. But it starts with making a commitment to yourself about being honest about who you are, about being honest about the condition of your life at any given moment. It has to, it has to start there because until you're willing to be honest, I don't care what you're trying to do in your life, you're fixing a lie. So if you believe that you are a certain type of individual with a certain type of problem, and that's not the truth, and then you put a plan in place based upon those facts, you're you're fixing a lie, and that will never that will never help you. The only thing that will help you is by being honest. That's something that you can do in an instant to say, you know what, I'm gonna be honest. This is the situation, this is the situation. Now, what I do from here is gonna take me longer to figure out, but at least I at least I have a good starting point from where I am. Let me give let me give you an example. So I'm in, so I'm in the United States right now, and I'm on the I'm on the East Coast in the state of Massachusetts. Now, if I were to travel to the state of Florida, Florida is to the south of where I am. Okay, so if I wanna, so if I want to go to Florida from Massachusetts, I have to travel south. But if I were to tell myself, you know what? I'm not really in Massachusetts, I'm in Texas. Now, Texas is to the west of Florida. So if I, while I'm living in Massachusetts, lied to myself and said, No, I'm not in Massachusetts, I'm in Texas, and I tried to travel like I'm in Texas, I would end up in the ocean because I'm not in Texas. I'm in Massachusetts. And if I want to go to Florida, I have to go south. That's what I mean about being honest. You can never, you can never arrive at your destination until you're honest about your starting point. Where are you? Where are you right now? And once we get honest about where we are right now, then we can arrive at our destination.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Thank you so much for that reminder, Timothy. And what you just shared, it matters so much because real human humility isn't tearing yourself down, it's finally being honest enough to stand in the truth of who you actually are. And being true to yourself is the most important part of it all. So thank you for this very important reminder and honestly, everything that you have shared today. I think it is going to help a lot of listeners out there. So thank you for the wisdom that you have brought into this conversation today. And Timothy, this has been such an honest and grounded conversation. But before we close, uh, I want to ask you this.

Where To Find The Book And App

SPEAKER_01 19:46

For the listener who wants to keep walking with your work, where is the best place for them to find you, your book before the fall, uh, and what you're building with Romans 10 9?

SPEAKER_00 19:58

So they can absolutely go to my website and they can get my book on my website. They can also find out about the app. And some of the Bible study courses that I have developed are also at the website as well. Um, it can it can be found on the world wide web www.romans109. So the way that the way that it's spelled out, the word Romans, the number 10, and then the word nine. So all together, Romans109.com. If they go there, they can get in touch with me there. They can find out about my book, they can find out about my app, and also check out some of the courses that I have there. I also provide uh daily devotionals as well to keep people inspired and encouraged so they can also receive those things there as well. So I have a uh I have a lot going on, but that's the best place to go to be able to get more information.

SPEAKER_01 20:57

Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that, Timothy. And we will make sure to include all those details in today's show notes so that it's just one step away, and our listeners can reach out to you whenever they need to. And Timothy, uh, there's also another uh important question that I've been meaning to ask

Relapse, Grace, And Staying The Course

SPEAKER_01 21:17

you. Uh so I think um a lot of people stumble in this process and they have a moment of clarity, they soften, they start to let people in, and then life pushes them back. Old habits return, uh, the walls go back up. So, how do you help people stay with this kind of inner work when the world keeps rewarding the version of them that was harder, faster, and more closed off?

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Well, there's two things that I would say. Number number one, anyone who is walking away from something that has been a part of their life for many years will experience what you've just talked about. Um, the closest thing that I can think to is uh addiction. You know, one of the things that they teach you in addiction is that relapse is part of recovery. So just because you have a relapse, that doesn't mean that you're not in recovery. It just means that it's a part of recovery. And and I also believe that people have to be realistic about things. So let me give you an example. If there has been something that has been part of my life, let's say for 15 years, let's say I've had some sort of negative habit, whatever it is, and it's been a part of my life for 15 years. And now today I get honest about who I am and about what I want to do. Now, if something has been part of my life for 15 years, it's not gonna change tomorrow. It took me 15 years to become who I am. So if it took me 15 years to become who I am, it's probably also gonna take me some time to become someone else. And I think that you have to go into it with that sort of understanding. And it's okay to give yourself some grace. God does not expect you to change overnight. It won't happen unless He does something supernatural. You are not going to change overnight. So you've got to be you've got to be honest about this is going to be an issue for a period of time, but that doesn't mean that I'm not moving in the direction that I should be going in. I think that's important for people to understand.

SPEAKER_01 23:37

That is so important, and that's beautifully said. Uh, what you just said, it holds so much truth and honesty in it, because I feel that healing from quiet pride isn't a one-time decision, it's a thousand small acts of letting yourself be human again and again, and coming back home to yourself no matter how many times you uh lose your way. So I think that's beautifully said, and thank you so much once again, Timothy, for this grounded conversation. And it was such an honor to host you and your presence and this conversation, it means a lot to me and our listeners as well. And to our listeners, thank you for spending this time with us on Healthy Mind, Healthy Life.

Gentle Closing And Next Steps

SPEAKER_01 24:26

If something in this conversation touched a quiet space in you, don't rush to fix it tonight. Just sit with it. Be honest with yourself gently. That alone is the beginning of something real. I'll see you next time. Until then, take care of your mind, take care of your heart, and remember you don't have to carry it all alone.