Welcome And Important Disclaimer

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Welcome back to Healthy Mind, Healthy Life, the space where we slow down for the conversations that quietly matter. I am Archita, and today I am joined by Dr. Carla Kachuria, an elite speak performance coach, former school administrator, and the founder of The House of Rice, who has spent more than two decades helping high achieving families move from performance pressure to something far more sustainable. In this conversation, we are going to unpack the high achievers trap, why straight A's don't equal self-trust, how the perfect kid illusion silently sets up future burnout, and what real identity-based confidence actually looks like in everyday life. So, Dr. Carla, welcome to this conversation. Welcome to the show. I'm so glad that you're here today.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Yes, thank you so much for having me, and I really appreciate your time. I'm excited about this.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Yeah, and I think this conversation is going to help a lot of listeners out there as well. So we will start, but before starting, there's just a gentle disclaimer to our listeners. Some statements reflect personal belief and experiences and are presented as individual views, not medical advice. So listeners should consult qualified professionals for medical conditions. And now that we have this out of the way without wasting any more time, let's dive into the conversation.

What Carla Needed At 14

SPEAKER_00 1:33

And um, Carla, first of all, thank you so much for being here. And before we go anywhere near frameworks or strategies, I want to start with the human part of it all. So when you look back at the version of yourself at 14, the straight A student, the varsity athlete, the one who looked like she had everything together, what's the one thing you wish someone had quietly said to you back then?

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Yeah, good question. Um I feel like at that time I probably wasn't listening to what anyone was saying. Yet if there was that person that could have got through to me, I think the best thing would have been to kind of so show me what I looked like at that time. And by that I mean I saw a video of myself very upset and crying and you know, just having a meltdown at one point in my adult life. And by just viewing that, it made me think like, I don't, I don't want this to be me anymore. I, you know, and it made me really reflect on, you know, how do I want to handle my emotions, present myself, live my life. And I think at that time, I don't, I think anyone talking to me about handling my emotions would have helped. I think that a lot of people didn't know about it. And those that did know about it didn't know the right things to say. So maybe um the statement could have been something as simple as, you know, are are you feeling powerful or are you happy? And I think the answer would have probably been no. And then from that that conversation, you know, hopefully turning into something that would look like support. So that was a that was a great question. Yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

I think that's a great place to start this conversation, um, Dr. Carla, because I think that's exactly what younger you would have wanted to hear from you now. And uh this will help a lot of listeners out there, uh, the the young, especially the younger ones uh who you know want to hear something like this so that they don't feel alone. So I think thank you so much for that. And this really sets the tone for this conversation and this makes all of us curious as well about how you navigated this journey uh all alone.

Why Success Can Be A Warning

SPEAKER_00 4:03

So, uh Cara, when most parents see a child bringing home straight A's varsity letters and glowing teacher reports, they exhale. Um, they think my kid is okay, but your work suggests that's exactly the moment they should be paying closer attention. So, what is this misconception about high achievement that you wish more parents and more high achieving adults would let go of?

SPEAKER_01 4:28

Yeah, good question. I actually was just speaking to a mom that I work with. Her daughter just turned 18. She just finished, you know, graduating. And, you know, when we first met, it was she knew something was wrong, uh, that she wasn't sharing her emotions with her mom, you know, her daughter wasn't sharing with her. And I think with parents, it's sometimes hard to be vulnerable. And mom shares with me that she either doesn't know what to do or feels helpless, or I'm trying to help and she's pushing me away. So I think with parents, a lot of times it's the vulnerability of sharing that you also aren't perfect or are making mistakes or aren't sure where to go next and don't know what to do. And that's sometimes hard because you know, we just want we as adults also have that facade of like everything's okay, you know, everything's fine. And I think um it's just realizing that it's okay to reach out for help. It's okay to address um the, you know, the underlying issues. But, you know, it's easier to talk about did you get an A or did you get an F than it is to talk about why you're feeling a certain way and what you're thinking about. And I think a lot of parents in my generation, we didn't have the tools. So we don't out help the kids of the next generation. Um, so it's parents being vulnerable and realizing like I need help too. And that's frankly why I work with the whole family and not just the child.

unknown 5:57

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Absolutely. Because I feel that it's it's never the child alone. It's uh something that's been happening inside the households as well. Everything is connected. So it's really important to go to the root of it to find out what exactly is the problem. And most of the time a problem is there, but it's just oftentimes uh parents uh choose to ignore it, or most of the times they are unaware of it uh so as to help. So I'm really glad of the work that you're doing, Dr. Carla, because there is this big misconception, like I said, that perfect is being a perfect student and a perfect kid is all that matters. But sometimes, you know, there are imperfect parts of that as well that needs to be worked upon and asked that why is this happening? So it's really important uh to figure out the why as well, and that reframing matters so much. So thank you so much for that, Dr. Carla.

Perfectionism And The Loss Of Self

SPEAKER_00 6:56

And um, that brings me to another point. So you have talked about realizing in your 40s that the jet-setting career and the elite life you had built were meaningless without the foundation of internal control. So, from your work with thousands of families, what are the deeper patterns underneath this? And what's actually happening inside a kid or an adult who's achieving everything and trusting themselves, nothing.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

Yeah, so I think that there's a lot of self-doubt. I think there's a lot of perfectionism, I think there's a lot of um afraid to make mistakes, um putting pressure on themselves. So a lot of times the pressure does come from families, but a lot of times they as a teen want to live up to a certain ideal that they've set into their mind. Um, but they don't feel they're enough. So they're pleasing other people, whether it be their teachers or their parents and or their friends, and they're burning out because they're not protecting their energy. They don't have boundaries for themselves, they're rejecting their parents' support. So they've kind of lost that connection with their family, and they've also uh just been carrying all this pressure due to the self-doubt that they're feeling. And that's where it all comes down to, and it comes out in meltdowns or disconnection or, you know, poor behavior. Um, and that's when things spiral out of control because they're feeling these big things, they don't know how to handle them, and um they're just kind of ultimately living inauthentically. And I think that's what happens behind the scenes, and it's getting to teen teens to realize like subconsciously what's occurring and for parents to um, you know, create that environment at home where they're open to communicating and there's not as much conflict. Um so I see that over and over again.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And on that's that's such an honest answer because Carla, you are describing something a lot of listeners have lived but never had the words to describe. You know, the slow, the slow, almost invisible trade where a child learns to swap their inner voice for whatever earns approval. And then they wonder 20 years later why they don't know who they are when no one's clapping. And that's the most important part. And um, now let's let's bring this all the way down to the everyday life.

The Quiet Signs Parents Miss

SPEAKER_00 9:36

So, Dr. Carla, for the parent who's listening right now, um, maybe watching their teen quietly tighten up, shut down, overschedule themselves, or chase the next day, like their word depends on it. What does this chat actually look like in real life? The quiet version, you know, the version most parents miss because it looks like success.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

Yeah, so I think um, you know, on a daily basis, um it it could look like the teen is reaching out for uh, you know, is is uh against you, is, you know, offering you resistance, is behaving poorly, or is just not sharing, you know, they maybe they're doing all of the things, but they're not connecting with you, they're not sharing, they don't think you understand, they can't trust you. You've never been through this before. And they the teen feels more and more alone, and the parent feels more and more helpless. And I think that's where there's a lot of disconnect. And on a daily basis, I think, you know, that just looks like people living together, and it's you kind of almost get into being roommates, like driving each other places and you know, not truly connecting, but it's a discussion about a problem, or it's mom driving kids somewhere, and and there's there's everyone's on their phone, or everyone's involved in their schedule and their homework and their work, and life gets busy, uh, but at what cost? And so, what is this amount of busyness and um kind of not addressing root issues and just kind of going with the societal norms of GPA and college and and all of that? What is this costing their families? So on a day-to-day basis, um, you know, it doesn't have to be that you're having, you know, an argument every day and there's a big blowout, but it could be like you said earlier, just like these quiet um situations and uh full of disconnect. Um so it's really for parents to shift into how how do we as a family want to function really? And what is your what's your what are your values for your family? You know, not not what colleges do we want to go to and how do we want to look, you know, what soccer team do we want to play on, but like what's are the values of our family? And maybe that's traditional school, maybe that's not traditional school, maybe that's a hands-on type college, maybe it's a traditional college, but what's gonna work for your family?

unknown 12:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:26

Absolutely. And I think you couldn't have put it in a better way, uh, Dr. Carla, because I think it also differs from family to family, and they have to figure out uh what they stand for, what are their values, just like you said. And that distinction is so important because I believe that most parents aren't missing this out of carelessness. Um, they're missing it because um the warning signs are dressed up as achievements. So you've just given them a way to see what they couldn't see before, and that changes a lot of things for these families. So thank you so much for that, uh Dr. Carla.

A Simple Practice For This Week

SPEAKER_00 13:05

And um also you've said uh that your work moves beyond talk therapy into identity-based confidence and emotional regulation. So I want to ask you the practical version. For a parent listening tonight, or even for a high-achieving adult still living inside that same old pattern, uh, what's one real grounded thing they can actually begin practicing this week? Something simple, something true, something that doesn't require an overhaul of their whole life. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Yeah, I think um, I think there's kind of three steps I would take over time. Um, and then there's the the one thing I would do in addition to those three steps is is creating time in your busy schedule and putting your teen first, putting your family first, and really, you know, putting down phones, not having an agenda, but really just holding space for your team to talk with about what they want to talk about. And a lot of people might say, I don't have time, or um, my team's not gonna want to talk about anything. Well, if you don't, if you focus the conversation on what's wrong and the problems, then there that's what's gonna be the conversation will be about. But if you focus that conversation on um maybe some wins you had this week, maybe maybe it could be a problem that they're trying to overcome. Um, maybe, and this is the key too, is as a parent, being vulnerable and sharing maybe something that you've overcome recently and how you did that. And that allows for your teen to realize like you're human, you understand it, you get it, and they can learn from you modeling. Um, and I think along with that, parents have to regulate themselves first and and really listen to their teens to connect to them. That's step one. Step two is really seeing them where you want them to be. So, not about the pressure, not that doesn't the pressure and the motivation, you're not going to motivate someone else. But it's if you see them as the teen that's more conscientious or more open or more caring or you fill in the blank, then they start to to fill in that identity and become that person you see them then that that they have the potential to become. And third, it's it's really allowing your teen to have autonomy, give them choices, give them with boundaries, give them responsibility, because the more you control them, the less confidence they have. And it just destroys their confidence because they don't feel they have freedom, autonomy, or choice. So that's that's what I would share with parents. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:43

That is a great advice, uh, Dr. Carla, because you're not asking anyone to change everything overnight. You're just asking them to take the first step and to take it one day at a time. And I think that is the most important part. And that also helps uh, you know, uh parents bond with their children, their teenager, especially, uh, which is like super important, especially in this generation. That's such an uh tender answer because you're also reminding us that confidence doesn't arrive fully formed, it grows quietly in the space between who we have been performing as and who we actually are. And it's really important to remind ourselves who we truly are and what do we want. And thank you so much, Dr. Carl. I think this conversation has truly been a gift and an eye-opener for a lot of listeners out there. So before we close, uh just one last question

You Are Not Broken

SPEAKER_00 16:39

for you. For the listener who's quietly recognizing themselves in this conversation, maybe the high-achieving teen who has no idea why they feel so heavy, maybe the adult who built the dream life and still doesn't trust themselves. Maybe the parent realizing their kid is silently carrying what they once carried. Um, what would you want them to hear from you tonight?

SPEAKER_01 17:01

Yeah, I would love for them to uh just realize that they're not alone or different than anyone else and they don't have something wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with them. It's it they're human, they're like everyone else, and that they can become whomever they want to become. So in a nutshell, they can thrive and be happy and celebrate themselves and still achieve and do all the activities that they want to do. Uh, it just takes some work and nothing comes just overnight, um, but they can do it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Yeah, that's that's a really important reminder. They can do it, and that is so reassuring. So thank you so much for sharing that, Dr. Carla. This is a great way to close tonight's episode. But if there's something that I can take away from this conversation, it's that straight A's can teach a kid how to perform, but they cannot teach a kid how to trust themselves. And until we make space for the second one, the first one will always come at a

Where To Find Carla And Closing

SPEAKER_00 18:11

cost. So, Dr. Carla, before we let you go, I'd love for our listeners to be able to find you, learn more about the House of Rice, and continue working with your frameworks beyond this conversation. So, where is the best place for them to connect with you?

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Yeah, thank you. Um, I would say, you know, following me on Instagram, you know, social media is a good place to connect. I offer a lot of information and tips and strategies. And I also um am currently having conversations with parents because though there's a lot of information I'm sharing, I really want to better understand what they're navigating. Um, and I'm dropping something special at the end of the summer. So I would love to uh, you know, just have more conversations with parents. Um so if they feel inspired by this conversation to reach out to me. And um, yeah, you could definitely be found on on Instagram and other social media. So follow me.

SPEAKER_00 19:05

Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that, Dr. Carla. And we will make sure to include all those details in today's show notes so that it's just one click away and our listeners can reach out to you whenever they want to. And thank you for sitting. Thank you, Carla, and thank you for sitting with us through this conversation. If something Carla said tonight touched something quite new, maybe a memory of your own 14-year-old self, maybe the face of the child you love, maybe a pattern you've been carrying for far too long. Don't rush past it. Sit with it. Maybe say something kinder to yourself today than you usually do. Because the truth is the most important thing we can teach the next generation isn't how to achieve. It's how to trust the person doing the achieving. Until next time, take care of yourself and take care of each other.