Welcome And Why This Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Welcome to Healthy Mind, Healthy Life, the show where we talk about the real full spectrum of mental health with honesty and care. I am your host, Nazish, and today I'm joined by Brittany Tinsley, a mental health advocate whose personal experience with self-injury has shaped her into a voice of genuine understanding and compassion for others navigating the same terrain. Today we are opening up a conversation that does not get aired nearly enough what self-injury actually is and what it is not, and why it happens and what genuine healing looks and feels like. Brittany, I welcome you to the show and I want you to know this is a safe, deeply respectful space, and I'm honored to have you here. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here. Wonderful.

Brittany’s Story And Speaking Up

SPEAKER_00 1:04

So, Brittany, before we go ahead into this conversation, I want to ask you that you know that will help our listeners understand where your voices come from. You have uh chosen to speak publicly about sexual dependent health, would you take a particular kind of courage? What made you decide that this was the conversation you needed to be a part of?

SPEAKER_01 1:28

You know, if you had told me 10 or 20 years ago that I would be talking about this publicly, I would not have believed you because it is something that is really taboo and really stigmatized and not many people are talking about. But that in and of itself is kind of why I felt like I should talk about it. I started self-injuring when I was pretty young, and now I'm in my mid-30s and have come a long way in my personal journey. And I thought I am in a place where I am healed enough and healthy enough to be able to have these conversations and hopefully, in my willingness to have these conversations, make some people feel less alone because it is something that a lot of people deal with and struggle with and are just afraid to talk about. So it really came from a place of just not wanting people to feel the way that I had when I was really in the midst of it and struggling. You're muted. I can't hear you.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

So, you know, finding somebody in this in this journey that you are going through, even if that person is like miles, miles apart from you, it can still bring that sense of hope. It can still bring that sense of relief that you are not alone. And just like you said, a lot of people don't talk about it. There's this sense of guilt that is often associated with it that stops people from talking about self-injury as much as it is required to be talked about. Yeah, absolutely. Yes, and you know, self-in-injury is one of the most misunderstood areas

The Attention Myth And Real Harm

SPEAKER_00 3:05

of mental health. And that misunderstanding causes the real harm both to the person struggling and to those around them who want to help but don't know how to. So, what is do what is the biggest misconception you encounter about self-injury? And what do you think most people want to understand about what it actually is?

SPEAKER_01 3:27

Yeah, I think that probably the biggest misconception that I run into is that it's all about attention. People think that people are hurting themselves for attention, and most of the time that's not true. Most of the time, self-injury is something that is highly secretive and that most people go to great lengths to hide from the people around them. And so this idea that it's only for attention or that it's a way of getting attention if you don't have it, or or you know, whatever the case may be, is something that's really harmful because if people think that that is the reaction they're going to be met with if they disclose that they're self-injuring, then they're less likely to tell somebody that they're struggling. And really, anytime we're struggling, whether it's with self-injury or something else, what we really need is people around us who are gonna support us and help us and offer us community and encouragement. And if you're constantly afraid that you're gonna be met with somebody saying, Well, you're just doing that for attention, you're probably not gonna reach out for help. And so I think that it would be helpful for people to understand that there's a wide range of reasons that people self-injure, everything from wanting to numb emotional pain to the other end of the spectrum, wanting to feel something because they're too numb, or wanting to maintain some sense of control over their life in a in a way when where everything else feels out of control, or um because they're scared or overwhelmed or upset or angry even at themselves. And so there are just so many different reasons that people engage in self-injury and attention is usually not on the list at all.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Yeah, yes, that is true. And before you mentioned I was, I was not aware about it, and I believe a lot of people were not aware about the what to say, what not to say. And I think that the first thing that comes to everybody's mind is that, okay, maybe that person is doing it for attention. And the way you cleared it, it puts such, it puts a different image to it altogether.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Yeah, I think that a lot of people assume that it's an attention thing because that's what's shown in media a lot of the time. And in reality, that's just not the lived experience for most people. I actually heard somebody speak once on self-injury and they said, even if you truly, in your heart of hearts, believe that somebody is doing it for attention, if they are going to that length to get attention, then give them the attention they need. Like if they're willing to hurt themselves in order to get it, obviously there's something else going on. And so his point was, even if you buy into that argument, which usually isn't true, but even if you buy into it, you can still support that person, whether or not you think the reason that they're engaging in that behavior is valid, because at the end of the day, they're in enough pain that they're willing to hurt themselves. And so why wouldn't you meet them where they are, wherever that is?

SPEAKER_00 6:15

Yeah, I mean, that is that is that is very true. Why why push somebody more beyond than if they are putting themselves in a position of injuring? Then yeah, that is very well said. And you know, what I am hearing is that a response is that the response a person receives in the moment of disclosure can either open a door or close one. And the most important thing is is not to have the perfect words, but I believe it is to stay present, stay calm, and make sure that the person feels that they have not become a problem to be solved.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

Yeah, absolutely. I think there are a lot of people who are really afraid to react in the wrong way when somebody discloses something like self-injury and and you said it perfectly. Like in reality, all you want is somebody to be present and to hear you and to try to understand. And so I always encourage people to ask questions. Like, don't assume that you know the reason why they're doing it. Don't assume that you know what's going on in their own mind. Ask them. And they might not want to answer every question that you have, but asking questions with curious compassion is a really kind way to be present in that moment where you are not responsible for saving someone or fixing the situation or trying to come up with exactly the right thing to say because there is no right thing to say. The right thing to do is just to be there.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

Absolutely.

Self-Injury As A Coping Mechanism

SPEAKER_00 7:40

And I think self-injury is often described as a coping mechanism, which can be confusing for people who have never experienced it because from the outside it does not look like coping at all.

unknown 7:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:53

What is actually happening on the inside with someone who turns to self-harm?

SPEAKER_01 7:59

I think that it can be a lot of things. I can obviously speak to my own personal experiences. So for me, it was a way to control the world. I couldn't control what was happening outside of myself. I couldn't control a lot of things in my life, but I can control the harm that I inflict. And so even though it sounds counterintuitive, in hurting myself, it actually made me feel better. It was a coping skill. We all have coping skills and we all use different things to cope. And so what works for you as a coping skill might not work for me, and vice versa. And so I think that even though self-injury is something that is a pretty dramatic coping skill in terms of the spectrum of things, it's still at the end of the day, is something that somebody is using in order to make their life feel more livable, in the same way that somebody who might, somebody might scroll Instagram for hours because checking out of the world makes their life feel more livable. And so, regardless of what that thing is for you, it's just a way to to feel better. And with self-injury, there is a release of endorphins. Like you have all of the scientific components that go along with it that we know about what happens to the body and to the brain when the brain and the body are hurt, that actually do flood your system with endorphins and adrenaline and make you fit, you know, feel better from a chemical standpoint. That is at play too. But I think at the end of the day, it helps, at least for me to put it in perspective, to think of it in terms of this is just a coping skill, the same as any other person's coping skill. This one just is inherently a little bit more risky than biting your nails or scrolling your phone for hours or going to the mall and shopping and spending a bunch of money. But at the end of the day, they're all still coping skills that we're using to sort of escape our lives and make ourselves feel better emotionally.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

Yes, that is so true. And so, you know, self-injury is really the whole story. It is more often a visible sign of something much deeper that hasn't yet found another outlet or another form of expression. And understanding it as a as a signal rather than as a character flaw changes everything about how we approach both the person and the path forward. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Yeah, I think a lot of people hear self-injury and think that it must mean that you're crazy or that there's something really deeply wrong with you on like a moral level or a spiritual level, even. And like we said, in reality, it's just just a coping skill. And so it's a signal that there's something else going on that we need to deal with, you know, internally. But the self-injury itself, in a lot of ways, isn't the actual problem. It's just the manifestation of the problem.

SPEAKER_00 10:43

Yeah. That is very nicely framed.

Early Healing Steps That Feel Possible

SPEAKER_00 10:46

You know, for someone who is currently struggling, who is using self-injury to manage something they don't yet have the tools or support to manage in any other ways. What does the journey toward healing actually look like in those early stages?

SPEAKER_01 11:03

Yeah, it's so tricky because it's something that is so insidious and it takes so long to overcome for so many people. But I think that that the first, one of the first steps or a good first step, is to just tell somebody that you're struggling. It doesn't have to be a therapist, although obviously that's really helpful if you have access to therapy. But just telling somebody in your life that you trust that you're struggling is a great first step because so often what we struggle with becomes so much bigger and more magnified when we're struggling alone. And so even just letting somebody know, like, hey, I'm really struggling. This is the way that that's working in my life, helps us feel less alone and it removes some of the shame around it. And freeing ourselves from some of that shame, I think helps us take a couple of steps forward. But beyond that, I think that that the key for me was not necessarily trying to quit hurting myself, because that feels like a really big ask for somebody who's in the middle of it. It's saying you can't do the thing that's in some cases keeping you alive. You can't do the thing that's helping your life feel livable. And so to jump straight to that feels really big and really overwhelming. So for me, it was really helpful to think about well, it's not that I can't hurt myself at all. I still can hurt myself if I want to, actually. What I'm gonna try to do is I'm going to try to wait for one minute or wait five minutes or wait an hour or wait 12 hours or whatever it is, and just sort of baby step my way towards not hurting myself at all, because one waiting one minute feels so much more manageable than just saying, well, you can't hurt yourself ever again for the rest of your life. And hopefully, as you build confidence within yourself, that length of time can can extend so that you can make it longer and longer without hurting yourself and hopefully eventually get to the point where you're not hurting yourself at all with the help of professionals and your support system and other coping skills and and things like that.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Yes, absolutely. And you know, thank you so much for being here and saying something so important about naming that fear honestly, rather than just saying reach out and it will be okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because just like you said, a lot of people might not have access to a therapist, might not have access to a clinical clinician to help them through it. But I believe it is very important to talk to someone.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

Yeah, community is so important. Like we we are made for relationship and to be in relationship with each other. And so whether or not you have access to a therapist or a clinician or a hospital or or anything like that, you still have access to other people that you are in relationship with who hopefully care about you and your well-being. And so if you can find just a single person who you feel comfortable enough with to share, then you can start to heal because in the same way that that we are sometimes harmed in relationship, we also can heal in relationship too.

SPEAKER_00 13:53

Absolutely. I couldn't agree

Setbacks, Shame, And Self-Compassion

SPEAKER_00 13:55

more to it. And just like we're talking about uh healing, I think that recovery from self-injury is not always linear. You know, setbacks can happen and there are hard there are hard days and there are moments where old patterns surfaces, even after significant progress that we have made. So, what have you learned about how to hold yourself or others with compassion during these heartful stretches?

SPEAKER_01 14:23

Yeah, that's a good question because I think that a lot we want to believe that regardless of what we're struggling with, that we're just gonna wake up one day and not struggle anymore, that something will have magically changed or a flip will have been switched and and uh and that a switch will have been flipped is what I was trying to say. And the the that, you know, things are just gonna magically be better. And that's just not how it works most of the time. There is a lot, a lot of times this like forward progress and then a backward slide sort of motion that happens. And so I think that for me it became really important not to view that backward slide as a failure, but as a signal that one, there's more work to do, and two, an opportunity to start from experience. Like you're not starting back at square one, you're not starting back at the very beginning. You've learned something in the process of trying, you've learned maybe what works, maybe what doesn't work. You've learned maybe you need more support, maybe you need a different kind of support. Maybe you need to invite other people into the process. Maybe you need something else entirely, but regardless of what it is, you've learned something about yourself in that period of trying. And so even just the effort of trying is such a positive step, regardless of whether or not the result is a quote unquote successful result. So I think that learning to give ourselves grace and compassion as we're trying to move forward and as we're learning what it means to heal is important. And also not being discouraged by the fact that it's not just an overnight thing that happens one day and that we never deal with again.

SPEAKER_00 15:58

Yeah, I mean, people often think that, you know, it's gonna be like a switch. If you just are gonna sleep and then wake up and it's all gonna get resolved. But that is so important to know that that is not how not how it happens. And I love about that is how honest and human it is. Like healing is not the same as never struggling again. It is about having a different relationship with the struggle, more tools and more compassion, and more people who know and more moment of that genuine okayness when between the hard times. Yeah, and I can I think this is this is both realistic and a hopeful picture.

SPEAKER_01 16:40

Yeah, and I think that, you know, at the end of the day, we're all just humans doing our best. And so I think it's really easy to to look at other people and say, oh, they're doing their best. They're trying as hard as they can and to offer other people grace. I think it can be really difficult to offer ourselves that same kind of compassion. And so if we can turn, you know, my mom used to always always tell me, like, treat other people the way you want to be treated. But sometimes we need to treat ourselves the way that we would treat other people. Like, I think we're so much harsher on ourselves than we are on others sometimes. And so, especially if you're talking about something like recovery, where there is an element of shame or failure or um trying and not succeeding or things not looking the way you thought they would, to be able to look at ourselves through the same with the same eyes that we would look at somebody else with and say, you know what? I'm trying my best. I actually was doing the best I could. I actually do deserve kindness and compassion and grace and to to be proud of myself for the effort, like looking at ourselves differently can really change the narrative for us.

SPEAKER_00 17:44

Yeah, that is that is so true. And you know, it puts so much, so much clarity in our head as well. And just like you said, we have to be, we have to be a little less pressurizing, we have to be a little less harsh with ourselves because we all know what we are going through. Nobody knows it better than ourselves, like what we are going through. So we have to give ourselves a little credit, a little appreciation, a little bit of, you know, yes, it is gonna be okay behavior.

SPEAKER_01 18:15

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

So, Brittany, for uh for anyone listening right now who is struggling with self-injury and has never told a single person who has been carrying this completely alone, what would you want them to hear from you tonight?

SPEAKER_01 18:33

I would just want to say to that person, like it's gonna be okay. You don't have to figure it all out tonight, you don't have to figure it all out tomorrow, but think about what the next right thing is to do and do that thing. And maybe the next right thing is telling somebody for the first time. Maybe the next right thing is getting rid of whatever tool it is that you usually use to hurt yourself. Maybe the next right thing is telling somebody you need more help, reaching out to a therapist or or a hospital or a clinician of some sort or looking for a resource in your area. Um but just take whatever that next step is the best that you can and trust that the people around you are are there and willing to help you and are gonna do what they can in order to take that step with you.

SPEAKER_00 19:20

Absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. And I believe it is gonna help a lot for our listeners tonight, because I think that self-injury is not a sign that something is or someone is broken, it is a sign that someone is in pain and has not yet found another way through it, and that with the right support and right compassion is always possible. Yeah, it really is, yeah.

Resources, Crisis Support, And Closing

SPEAKER_00 19:47

Yeah, so Brittany, before we wrap, for everyone who wants to follow your journey, access your resources, or simply know that they are not alone in this. What is the best place for them to find you?

SPEAKER_01 20:00

Yeah, so you can find me on my website, britneytinsley.com. I also wrote a book that came out this last September. It's called Stories Our Scars Tell, and it's available everywhere books are sold. There's a free um discussion guide that goes along with it that you can find on my website at Britney Tinsley.com, or you can find me on social media at Britney Tinsley Writes, um, or I write weekly on Substack at Britney Tinsley.substack.com.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

Perfect. Thank you so much for sharing that with us, Brittany. I will make sure to include these details into the show notes so that a lot of people can reach out to you and learn the best from you. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah. Listeners, everything Brittany has shared with us will be in the show notes. If you or someone new, you know is struggling right now, please also know that the support is available. The crisis text line is always there. Just text H-O-M-E home to 741-741. And the 988 Cide and Crisis Lifeline is reachable by simply calling or texting the 988. Thank you so much for being here. Brittany, thank you so much for this absolutely beautiful conversation, which was so insightful and something that I felt was so close to anybody who would listen to it today. Thank you.

unknown 21:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

And dear listeners, as we close today's episode of Healthy Mind, Healthy Life, this was not an easy conversation to have. This is exactly why we needed it to happen. If something from today reached you, if it names something you have been living with quietly, please know you are not alone. You don't have to stay there. Share this episode with someone who might need it to hear it. I am Nazish. Thank you so much for trusting the space with everything this important. And until next time, the pain is real, your healing is possible, and you are the worth the help it takes to get there. Thank you so much for being here with us, and I will see you in the next episode.