When Self-Trust Quietly Collapses

SPEAKER_01 0:05

When you stop believing what you know to be true, there's a quiet collapse that happens not all at once, not overnight. Slowly, gradually, one comment explained away. A feeling dismissed, a moment shrugged off because you always find a reason, and reasons feel safer than doubt, of course. Until one day when you realize that you have spent years convincing yourself you were wrong. What comes next isn't about finding proof. It's about finding your way back to trusting the part of you that knew existed within your one law.

The Real Work Of Mental Health

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Welcome to Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. I am Srimada, and this is the show where we talk about the real unglamorous everyday work of mental health. No quick fixes, no clinical jargon, just honest conversations about how we actually live through hard things and uh come out to the other side of ourselves a little more gradually.

Reese Wilson And The Black Cup

SPEAKER_01 1:07

And today's guest is Reese Wilson. Riz, thank you so much for joining us tonight. Thank you, Srameda. I'm happy to be here. It's a pleasure. And listeners, uh, Riz is uh also the founder of UnstoppableLife.com. Uh, she's a keynote speaker and the author of the forthcoming memoir, The Black Cup, which is a book about falling in love, missing the signs, and spending 24 years slowly losing trust in her own and instincts, I would say. Um, as I mentioned, losing trust in yourself, it's like a heavy term, and oftentimes we tend to picture a dramatic event with it. So maybe like a big moment that is going to break everything for us. But is that really how it happens? Or how do you think uh uh people get the idea of self-trust in a wrong way?

How Tiny Moments Become Patterns

SPEAKER_00 2:08

Um, well, I think that's a great question. Um for me, I can say that it did not happen with any one big event. It was many small things over time that formed patterns that I ignored or explained away. Um, the book that I have coming out, The Black Cup, I originally wrote that book for myself. I uh didn't plan on publishing it. I wrote it just to understand my own experience because my own self-trust of what my experiences were as opposed to what they felt like was not clear. So I started to write the book to understand that. Um and in particular, the effect that it had on my own mental health, because I'm naturally very positive, I would say, a resilient person. And on the outside, I seemed to have a wonderful life. I had a husband and a family. Um, we seemed financially stable. I and I genuinely had some joy and some contentment in my life, but I also knew at the same time that something wasn't quite right. I was struggling and my marriage was very difficult, and I knew that. Um I didn't think that it was that unusual, though, because we all marriage has problems, right? So I just got really good at explaining away all of these little things and finding ways to be happy despite the situation that I was in. And I I I experienced this really interesting duality, I would say, where I was happy, but also I was not okay. And I still think that that's a fascinating thing is as I was writing the book, um, that you can be really resilient and you can function beautifully inside a healthy situation, but it doesn't mean that you're okay. And so that was that was my experience.

The Coffee Cup Wake-Up Call

SPEAKER_00 4:15

It was a very specific moment in as I was writing my book where I had this sort of realization. And that's where the title, The Black Kit Cup, came from. I um my husband and I had been married for 24 years, and he had been not speaking to me for a couple of weeks. And um, he came into the room where I was sleeping and brought me coffee in bed, which seems like a very kind thing, right? But the interesting part is that I have this weird thing where I love my coffee in a white cup. It's just my thing. I don't know why. And he brought me coffee in a black cup. And I just thought, 24 years we've been married. Does he not know that I want a black cup or a white cup, that I prefer a white cup? Have I not been communicating to him, the things that are important to me? Or is he doing this on purpose, just to test me, to see if I will complain? And it was this very tiny moment, this very small thing that became a really huge wake-up call for me because I I suddenly started to see the pattern, the patterns that I had been overlooking over time absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

And uh, you know, since you mentioned the term pattern and you brought it to the context of your marriage, so uh what is the difference you would say between a pattern and an incident? The small incident that you mentioned, and that led to a bigger pattern recognition. So uh how does everyone actually start doing that instead of you know second guessing every single thing?

SPEAKER_00 6:08

Yeah. Um, how do you do that? Boy, that's a good question. Um I eventually got there. Uh, it was a process. I don't think that you that you necessarily see it one day. I I think that I was beginning to see it little by little over time. It was that small moment with the black cup that just sort of lit up all of the past moments and brought everything into view. Um, I would still second guess myself for quite a while after that. Um, but I really started to take in information on uh the types of behaviors that I was seeing and understanding the dynamics, and that helped. I think that knowledge is power. And just because you understand something doesn't always necessarily mean you're going to stop feeling it. Um, you still will, but that's the beginning to the the knowledge, the educating yourself is the beginning of understanding it, and that's a very important step.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

So T and uh since you talk about, you know, uh your personal experience, so this tension between wanting to prepare and wanting to be honest with yourself, how did it show up for you in this situation?

When The Body Sounds The Alarm

SPEAKER_01 7:34

And maybe looking back, what do you wish you would understand sooner about yourself? That uh you know, about uh that pool to keep giving yourself the benefit of doubt, maybe?

SPEAKER_00 7:47

Hmm. I would say that um I well, like I said, I was functioning inside of that relationship, and I was functioning beautifully, it would have appeared. Uh, but it did catch up with me. And I got to a point where my mental health reached a crisis point, and I was beginning to self-harm. Um, I spent a little time in a behavioral center. And what's fascinating is that I was still trying to understand what was wrong with me. Uh, I wasn't looking at the environment I was living in. But it's as if my body understood before my mind did. So I would say, as far as coming to a realization of what was going on, my body started to tell me before my mind did.

Self-Trust Versus Self-Confidence

SPEAKER_01 8:43

Absolutely. And uh uh, you know, uh, there's this uh idea that uh self-trust is different from self-confidence. So maybe confidence is going to tell you, I know how to do this, but self-trust might tell you I trust myself to figure this out. So this distinction has uh rebuilt a lot of people's lives. And maybe this has also been the case for you. And if you would like to share a little uh with us about this, then yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

Um, I definitely think, especially for for somebody that overthinks every decision, right? Uh you can agonize over making the perfect decision and that can paralyze you. So you don't do anything. Self-trust is when you trust yourself to know that even if I make the wrong decision, I'm gonna, I'm gonna work with it and I'm gonna be okay because I have the power and I can pivot and I can change and I can do things differently. So um, and when you trust your own resilience and um your own intellect and and your own uh your strengths, then you know that you can get through things. So I think for me, that was definitely a huge part in rebuilding that. Um I started to build a website before I knew how to build a website and I just figured it out. I um started to write a book before I knew how to write a book and I figured it out. I um I started to build a brand and a voice and write a keynote speech before I knew anything about doing public speaking um on the on that type of a platform. So I just what was important to me was to just start moving, to start that momentum and trust myself that whatever happened, I could figure it out. And so that was uh definitely a very big part for me of being able to rebuild was just trusting myself that I could.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

Totally. And I think you mentioned something very important that uh we need to take the first step and just be assured of the fact that we are not going to abandon ourselves in the process just to be there, to be present.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

And totally. And um, you know, Reese, but uh there's also this harder part to it because rebuilding anything is not linear, let alone self-trust, which is definitely a difficult task.

Sustaining Change One Step At Time

SPEAKER_01 11:31

There will be sendbacks and there will be times when we fall back into the old patterns. So uh, how do you suggest we sustain this work over time without feeling like uh we are starting over every time we stumble a little? Ooh, that's a great question.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Uh because we do feel like that, don't we? We do feel like uh we could make five steps forward, and if we stumble two steps back, we feel like, oh, I'm what am I doing? Why am I doing this? Um but you know what? I think I learned something actually from I decided to run a half marathon years ago. And I was not a runner, I did not like running. Even in high school, I hated when we had to run. And uh a friend talked me into just starting to train and give it a try. So I started the training process, which started out very slow. You would run for one mile, and then you you bump it up to two miles and you just kind of keep going that direction. Um, I remember the first day that I ran six miles. I thought there is no way that I will ever be able to run 13 miles because that is a half marathon. And but I kept going. And I, when the day came for the race, I ran the full 13 miles and I felt great. And I realized that really you can do just about anything you put your mind to when you put one foot in front of the other. That's really all it is. You you play games with your mind when you're running like that. You look to the end of the street and you say, I'm just gonna run to that stop sign, or I'm just gonna run to that car, or I'm just gonna run around that corner. And you do that with yourself the entire time that you're running. And it's the same principle, really. Uh play little mind tricks with yourself. Say, I'm just gonna get to the end of today. I'm just gonna get to the end of the week. Um, and you but you just keep going. Don't give up. Uh, if you need to stop and rest, stop and rest and then go again. But I think that that that's probably the important thing is just don't give up. Just just one foot in front of the other is all you need to do.

SPEAKER_01 13:51

Okay, and I think that's really where the sort of resilience we need lives within us. It's not in uh never doubting ourselves again, but like knowing that one stumble doesn't undo everything for us and keeping, and as you say, to play those little mind games with ourselves. That makes a bit certainly.

Where To Find Reese And Her Book

SPEAKER_01 14:14

Uh Grace, thank you so much for having this conversation. It was really great talking to you, learning about all patterns and the way you explained everything. Thank you so much. Uh so if any of our listeners want to connect with you or learn more about your conversation, they suggest they find you.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

Well, I'm all over the place. I'm on most social media platforms, but I would say uh go to my website, which is unstoppable-life.com. And uh from there, that's sort of the hub that has everything. Uh, you'll find my social media handles there, uh, as well as uh blogs. And um, you can also sign up for um to be notified when my book is um published, which should be this fall pretty soon. So I would say go to my website, that's sort of the central hub, and you can find me there. And uh and I wish everybody the best mental help possible.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

Definitely recommend our listeners to please go have a look. I'm sure the website will be off much head. And uh, Riz, I would uh extend my best wishes to you for your upcoming book. And if you want to tell us a little about your book, which is coming this fall, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Sure. Yeah. Um like I said a little bit, it's it's I like to call it my origin story. The website is more about the rebuilding that I've done, but this is my origin story. So this was uh about being in a 24-year marriage that um I had convinced myself that I was very much in love and very happy. Um, but through time I started to realize that I was in a very toxic relationship and I had been trained to not notice it. I had been trained to explain it away, and uh, and it did take a toll on my mental health. Um, but I was able to um get some clarity and some understanding and and break free from that. And uh from there, um my life has been great. And and I'm really happy with the things that are going on in my life now and how I'm rebuilding and the opportunity that I have to be able to share that experience with others and hopefully help them to see in actual demonstration the kinds of things that we talk about, which can sometimes be vague. Um, but within mental health, uh, to be able to just see a story and recognize these things in a story, I think really helps to make it real for people. So I'm excited to be able to do that and and hopefully help people that maybe find themselves in a similar situation.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

Sure, your origin story will do HBs and all my best wishes to you. And uh listeners, please try to go have a look. I'm sure it will be of much help. Uh Riz, thank you so much for having a conversation with us today.

Noticing Signals And Closing Thoughts

SPEAKER_01 17:17

And to all our listeners, um, I would say you don't need to have all the answers to start trusting yourself again. Maybe you just need to start explaining to yourself what you already know. Uh don't ignore it, just notice those patterns and be present. Pay attention to those like signals actually matter. Keep noticing, keep asking. Until the next time, take care of your mind, and I'll meet you on the next episode very soon.