The Identity You Inherited

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Dear listeners, most of us walking around hearing an identity that has handed to us before we were old enough to refuse it. Built out of our parents' expectations, obviously, and our culture's approval, our community's silent rules, and for a long time that borrowed identity actually works until it does not. Until one day, in the middle of a perfectly normal life, something inside you quietly says, This is not me. And from that moment on, you cannot unhear it. Yes. So today's conversation is for the person who has finally started hearing that voice and is wondering what to do next. So hey day, Lismans. Welcome back to another powerful episode of Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. I'm your host, Avek, and um, this is the podcast where we have real grounded conversations about mental health in everyday life. Not the polished version, the lived version. And I'd say today's guest is someone who has done the slow, sacred work of unwinding the conditioning that she inherited and finding the self that was waiting underneath it. And we are going to talk about the identity, conditioning, trauma, and what it actually takes to succeed as the real you. So joining me today is a lovely guest. Please welcome Loretta. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Thank you, Avik. And love the introduction that you gave me. Makes me wonder. Is he talking about me?

SPEAKER_01 2:01

Yes. Yeah, yeah, and dear listeners, like before uh we get deep into the discussion today with Loretta, I I would quickly introduce uh with uh all of you with her. So she is a writer, speaker, and the coach who works at the intersection of identity, healing, and inner freedom. So I'll not take much of a time here, res. And Loretta, thank you so much for being here. And just start with, I was thinking, like, why can't we do like this way? Like before we get into the more deep conversations, I want to start something

A Quiet Morning Choice

SPEAKER_01 2:43

gentle. Like, if you can share, like on an ordinary morning in your life right now, what is the one small thing that you do that feels like a quiet act of choosing yourself? And if you can share, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Well, that is a very keen and intelligent question, I have to say. Because every day, every day I am asking myself the same question, and not because I am a very selfish person, I don't think so, but because I realize the importance of uh finding my deepest self in the midst of crisis, drama, problems, people, you name it, right? And it's it is the most important thing that we can do on a daily basis, because that is our God's given gift, to know who we are and to choose accordingly, because that's how we find the present moment and how we find how to be, not just what to do, because we're a human being, we're not human doing, you know, even though in today's world we tend to do more than be. And it is it is very challenging sometimes because you know the the first thing that someone does when waking up is checking the phone, checking the news, and and that is the worst thing that could happen, because all of a sudden we're part of stories that are not our stories. And for me, it was a first, you know, I don't know if you want me to share this, but to find myself and really get rid of my past conditioning, which was really intense. You know, I grew up basically in foster homes, and I was I was given an identity that wasn't mine at all. And I knew right there, unconsciously as a child, of course, that I didn't want that life. That was their life, their choices. But it was hard to choose because I didn't have the freedom, the tools, but I knew that that wasn't me. And and it took a long time to unravel of that and to get to know who I am at the core. But again, even as an adolescent and a young adult, I made choices that were not aligned with myself, truly, because the fear of making mistakes or being alone or brought me to choose people that would feel safe, but not necessarily aligned with my values or who I would even become. So it's it's so important to be aware of ourselves, A Sap, you know.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and and and thank you so much for caring all that. And like also, I'd love to ask, like, and obviously the real one, if you can take us back, like into the chapter of your life when you first realized that the identity you had been carrying was not actually yours. So

When Your Life Feels Untrue

SPEAKER_01 6:09

what was happening at that time, and what did you not yet understood about that or understand about that?

SPEAKER_00 6:18

Well, I was a happy child. I was a very, I remember, you know, very gregarious, and all of a sudden I'm in foster homes with people that unfortunately were abusive. And and and unfortunately because my father left when I was very young, my mom wasn't coping well, and the little she was present was not very peachy. So I found myself even at that age trying to flee and going to my paternal grandmother who lived on the other side of town in Italy, and literally, you know, running away from the scene. Eventually I succeeded, and those years with my grandmother saved me from a life of uh probably disaster and failure because I was able to experience a few years of peace and and routine and anything that a child needs until I was brought back to live with my mom who couldn't cope. And anyway, that's that's again another sad story, but I really I don't know, unless you want me to, I don't, I don't need to mention it.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

It's a constant going in, going out, going in, going out. So it's only as an adult that I was able to make my own choices and say, oh, okay, let's stop all this and let's let's get on a on a train on a train somewhere, you know. But what I want to mention, which was not listed in my profile, if I may, life has a way to I I should say God because I'm a big believer that there is a God now, as a way of knocking you down when you don't don't hear the lesson. Because I kept I kept doing someone else's agenda, whether be a husband, I had, I was married twice, whether be a boss, you know, and doing things for others.

Grief That Forces A New Path

SPEAKER_00 8:29

And uh when I was pregnant with my second child, I lost him at birth. And I believe he came and left to teach me to love myself more. And and that was a big turning point because I at that point I really had to stop everything I was doing that was not geared towards the truth, the truth of me, and the truth of the of what I needed to do for the good of other people too, you know. And um, and that that's when I really implemented some big changes. Very true, very true.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

So obviously, and I mean yeah, I mean definitely I have to say that it lands because I think there is something honest in what you just said about not understanding what was happening in real time. We we we tend to imagine that awakening is traumatic, but it is often quite almost embarrassing, almost kind of lonely. And willingness to honor that earlier version of yourself with compassion instead of judgment is exactly the permission a lot of listeners need to give themselves today.

SPEAKER_00 9:51

So yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do you know I don't know you've if you've ever heard the story, sometimes people get into accidents all the time. Yeah, and it's the universe sending you messages or going, okay, something is wrong here. Pay attention, listen up. And it and and I really also believe that sometimes people end up dying because they're not listening, you know, they leave the body because it's like, okay, let's go to the next life. Or

Studying Why We Self Abandon

SPEAKER_00 10:28

but I I had to stop, quit my job, and went back to school for a degree in women's studies, because I needed to understand why women tend to abandon themselves so much, you know, why? And and then I got a master in transpersonal psychology, which is really the spiritual aspect of who we are, and and that gave me a lot of uh amazing, amazing uh ground to walk on as far as how to be present for ourselves and how to face life from a different perspective, you know, that's not so materialistic or so uh survival-oriented.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

What Trauma Does To Identity

SPEAKER_01 11:12

And also I'd love to ask like about the trauma, uh, but in a very specific way, like not the loud. The the kind that recognizes a life subtly over years in ways that even the person living it does not recognize as trauma. So if you walk all of us into your understanding of how trauma shapes the identity and what it asks of us when we finally turn toward it instead of around it.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

Well, trauma by neurological definition is something that's if you will, uh unexpected, sudden, and at the brain level short shortcuts all the passages necessary to be able to process things. So what happens is you have passages that get short-circuited, you know, they go bam, bam, bam, and you're uh I don't I can't remember the all the definitions, but I my understanding is the amygdala gets into immediate action and and you're flooded with cortisol, and then then you're traumatized, but you're not really aware of what's happening until later, you know. So you may be caught in a fire, or someone slaps you or uh, you know, tries to hurt you, and that's a trauma. Or trauma, you know, long-term trauma could be being abused continually by by people who care for you. Those are traumatic events. So trauma takes takes a huge amount of time to explain and to cure and to heal. And only now I think they're starting to really recognize what it takes because it it gets embedded in your cells too, in your body. There is a book out by van der Basel, is the doctor who says uh the body knows and continues to hold on to trauma no matter what you do. So and for me, it was it took me a long time to unravel all the stuff from before and have therapists and helpers, you know, work with me.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

And

Choosing Yourself Year After Year

SPEAKER_01 14:01

uh also like uh to be to be more practical into like reclaiming your identity is not a kind of weekend retreat, so uh it is a slow sometimes in visible practice that asks you to keep coming back even when the external world is not yet rewarding the true world in our right. So if you can share like about sustaining this work, like how do you keep choosing yourself uh year after year when the world keeps offering you easier ways to disappear back into your old shape?

SPEAKER_00 14:40

That's another very intelligent question, because it would be easier to just let go and go, okay, I'm just gonna accept this uh mantle that they gave me. This is where I have to thank the people who abused me growing up, because I I knew I had something more to offer because I would go to school hungry and sometimes with holes in my shoes, and and yet I could remember what the teacher said without doing my homework. And I knew I had an extra point in my in my brain, you know. I I I could I could survive no matter what, and I didn't have a place to go to study, or the people who took care of me were not present. So, and that's when I learned to that I can always emerge, you know, I can always come back. And I also learned instinctively that there is a presence within us that is that is always there, and it's for lack of a better word, it's our soul. And our soul can be a lot older than the body that we're given, you know. And uh with time I came to to really ask for help in this presence and say, okay, help me. How do I how do I deal with this in a way that I can come back no matter what? And I'm face I'm facing this right now, that there is a lot of crisis happening around me. And I'm like, okay, how do I choose myself again and again and again? I wouldn't be here if I let go. But I think I think that the faith also comes into place. The faith that we're not alone and the universe helps you achieve what you want to achieve for the betterment of humanity, not for just yourself, you know. I think it's very important that you continue to to know that at the end of the road you're doing something that is for everyone, not just yourself, you know, and and you just keep coming back, no matter what. Yeah, yeah, it's okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:04

Oh, amazing.

Don’t Give Up And Connect

SPEAKER_01 17:05

So if you if you have to give one advice to the listeners today, what that'll be.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

Don't give up. Ever. Ever. Don't give up. Life is really hard for everyone, but breathe, stay centered, know that life is only a journey of trial and error. That's it, and you know, we're eternal. We're we're really strong beings who just come to learn and to to give to each other and and uh and to help the world become in more evolved. I mean, I happen to to study and to to be knowledgeable of what's on the other side after my son died. And I know that it's uh it's only temporary, and and Earth is one of three most difficult planets to inhabit. And and we're doing it, and we're strong, we're amazing. So don't give up.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

Exactly. Great. And if listeners want to connect with you, what will be the great medium to connect?

SPEAKER_00 18:20

It's my website, uh laurettazucchetti.com. And then you can book a session, or you know, uh no cost, just even to just chat is fine. Or I'm on social media, especially Facebook, Lauretta Zucchetti is my name. And I'm I'm actually starting to be more present on all the channels, you know, Instagram and LinkedIn and or my my email, which is laurettazucchetti at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_01 18:54

Amazing. So, dear listeners, what I'll do is I'll put all the links, details, everything into the show notes for your easy reference. So you can easily reach out to Loretta, and I'd say, like, first of all, thank you so much, Loretta. This was the kind of conversation heavy. Yeah. So this was the kind of conversation Healthy Mind Healthy Life was built for, which is honest, grounded, and willing to look out at the parts of ourselves that we have spent a lifetime ignoring. And uh to whosoever is listening right now, or maybe you will be listening later as well, especially the one quietly realizing that the life you have been living was built around someone else's expectations. And I'll leave you with this: you do not have to throw away your whole life to reclaim yourself, you just have to start listening to the version of you that has been waiting on an end. So the work is slow, yeah, the work is slow, the work is sacred, the work is yours. So keep listening, keep choosing yourself, and keep coming home. Thank you so much.