The Hidden Variable In Meltdowns

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Here's something most parenting conversation completely miss. That we spend so much energy trying to help our children manage their emotions, teaching them to calm down, then express themselves, regulate their reactions, and all of that matters. But underneath almost every child's emotional struggle is a variable that nobody talks about. The parents' own nervous system, the state you walk into the room with, right? So the energy that you are already carrying before the meltdown even begins, right? So today we are talking about that whole picture like parent and the child together.

Meet Constance Lewis And The Mission

SPEAKER_01 0:45

So hey dear listeners, welcome back to another powerful episode of the man of the life. I'm your host, Avik, and this is a podcast where we have real conversations about what it takes to feel well and raise children who feel well. And today we are exploring the emotional lives of families, like why co-regulation matters, why every child speaks their own emotional language, and how creativity can and play can be the genuine tools for building emotional intelligence in children. And by the end, I hope definitely you walk away with something real that can use the speak with the children in your life. And my guest brings both professional depth and lived art to this. Please welcome my guest, Constance Lewis. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Hi, thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Amazing, amazing. So dear listeners, before we get into the discussion, there are a quick feeling to do so with Constance. So she is a woman's health nurse practitioner who, alongside her husband, a pediatric dentist, created the Colorful Feelings collection, a children's book series designed to help families build emotional resilience through storytelling, color, and blink. I'll not take much more time. Let's get started.

Why Parents Get Triggered

SPEAKER_01 2:09

Yeah. Yeah. And then Constance, I definitely want to start with the idea that actually stopped me when I read it. Like parents' nervous systems are hidden variables in their child's emotional behavior. Like most parenting advice focuses entirely on the child. So what do most people get wrong about this role of parents' own inner state in what I mean what is happening with their child emotionally?

SPEAKER_00 2:37

I love that question because, as you said, most coaches that you see, that you work with, that you see parenting experts really focus on what you should do as a parent to help the child, child focused. And what I've realized with my own journey that it starts with the parent, it starts with yourself. In order to even do these parenting techniques to help your child, you inside have to have a regulated nervous system. And that's hard because I have found, and I've spoken to many parents who have also feel the same way, that when your child has a very big emotion of some sort, whether it be anger or extreme sadness or frustration, we tend to feel sometimes very uncomfortable or even triggered by that feeling. And it stems from our own childhood or how we were raised or allowed to express our feelings or supported in that and a lot of other reasons. And I used to know when I first realized that I was getting triggered or feeling uncomfortable with my child's feelings and I wanted to rush and fix it right away. I realized that I needed to work within first. And first is awareness. So I always ask my parents when I coach them, I give them a list of feelings, of course, that how do you feel when your child does this? And they circle the things that they feel and on that list of emotions is frustration, guilt, anger, annoyance, helplessness, is a bunch of feelings. And so it really starts with the parent's own awareness of their feelings when their kid actually is having big feelings.

SPEAKER_01 4:27

Exactly. Exactly true. And when a parent realizes their own nervous system is a part of the equation, what begins to shift in like how they show up?

SPEAKER_00 4:38

I

Becoming The Anchor In Big Feelings

SPEAKER_00 4:39

think that just the energy in the room shifts dramatically when a parent is able to stop and be aware of their own feelings when their child's having a big meltdown or feeling certain ways. And once they're like, oh, okay, I'm feeling triggered or I feel uncomfortable with this feeling, what am I going to do for myself in this moment to ground myself and return my energy to this supportive neutral energy? Because your children feel your energy and they feed off of it and they're very intuitive. And I think that once you realize this, your awareness comes in, then your ability to calm your own nervous system or your thoughts, then you're just able to be the anchor in the hurricane. Because I called a kid's their tornado feelings or their hurricane feelings, and you're kind of able to be their lighthouse or their anchor in those feelings, and you can calm the room instantly with your energy. And even though the child might not calm in that moment or that instance, you're telling that child, I'm not afraid of your big feelings. You there's no big feelings that you can have that I'm afraid of that I'm not gonna sit here and be here for you because your feelings aren't bad, they're just human.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Exactly. That's such an important difference because it takes parenting out of the realm of techniques applied to a child and it is something that is much more mutual, so yeah.

What Clinics Teach About Child Emotions

SPEAKER_01 6:03

If you just go a bit deeper, like you both come from the healthcare backgrounds, pediatric dentistry, dentistry, and women's health. So what did that professional lens teach you about like how children actually experience and carry emotions about the things that clinical experience revealed that most parents, I mean parenting books don't address?

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Yeah, so my husband obviously sees children every day of his life and his practice, and he sees all of the emotions from fear of just going to the dentist to, you know, every emotion you can imagine. He works with children of all ages, all neurodevelopmental stages spectrum. Some are neurodivergent, some aren't. You know, so he is able to really understand the emotions on a clinical level and understanding why they're reacting the way they are to medical. And same as me is working in the neonatal intensive care unit for 15 years and always working over in pediatrics as well, and then transitioning into women's health, but just having an understanding of kids' emotions and how they are and how developmentally they are normal, just like adults, but understanding what weight is to help them feel more safe when they're having those big feelings and scary situations or uncomfortable or situations where they don't know because they don't really understand what's happening inside their body. And so when you can co-regulate with them, we can help them walk through that emotion with using the tools and the techniques that we teach and that we even do what we used to, you know, Andre does in his practice and I used to do when I was on pediatrics. It's really, and with our own children, we've used these techniques and we've kind of catered them to our children because every child is different and what they are interested in and how they like to play and how they see color. And so if you can really get to know that child, and that's what we spend time doing with the kids when we work clinically or in our own family with our own kids when we know them and get to know them, we can use our techniques and our tools and bring that to the table to help the kid, the child, walk through that emotion and give them the healthy tools that they need to work through that emotion.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

That's that's quite interesting. And uh and and I mean, was there a specific moment in your professional or the personal life that made you realize that children needed different tools than the ones available?

Epilepsy Sparked A New Tool

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Yes, I think it was when Miles, my son, oldest son, for the reason that we re- really even started writing the book in the first place, writing these books in the first place, is that he was diagnosed with epilepsy at the age of four. He was a seemingly healthy child and out of nowhere just started having seizures and was put on all these medications and and had to go into very scary experiences in the hospitals and testing and getting blood drawn. And and even when he ended up needing brain surgery, we realized that just the typical adult-like tools and other tools that we had used in the past with other kids weren't working as well to help him walk through those feelings and feel safe in his feelings and be able to express his feelings when he's scared, when he's going to the hospital, when he's having scary things. And we realized that different things were needed for him. And we realized how much color influences a kid's life and how much kids love color and they see and play in color all day long. And color to them is so much more brighter than it is to adult and means so much to them than it does to adult. And so we realized that if we could take an interest of his, which at that time it was superheroes, and he was always dressing up as superheroes and he had all the superhero outfits. And so we thought, you know, when a put kids up kid puts on a cape, it makes them feel brave. And if we can pick the color of the cape that he's feeling that day and we wear it to the hospital, or we wear it in different situations, then maybe we can tie this into a tool that helps him tell us how he's feeling without using words, but with using color and the cape. And that's really the idea that came from that walking through it just as a parent on our own, and not really even in our clinical atmosphere, even though we realized how much color was associated with feelings of kids and and adults too. And then that's how the book essentially was created and the tools we have now for parents.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

Interesting. And yeah, that connection between what you saw in clinical settings and what was missing in forms that's just a real gap ending. And I I definitely think that what strikes me is that you are bringing healthcare level understanding to the I mean of the nervous system and child development into everyday life as well through children's book series. So yeah, that is it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

Yes, and I've done a lot of diving into the research, just you know, I'm not a child psychologist or child behavioral therapist or anything like that, but but with the book and with podcasting, I've done a lot of the research now because I've been fascinated upon how color and emotions is with kids. And there's so much so many studies and so much research really to support that this actually works and it helps children, and not just from the research, but we've seen it with other kids that we've given the book or the book that has gone to, and their parents say that it's tremendously helped to them. So that's really powerful as well.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Okay.

Finding Your Child’s Emotional Language

SPEAKER_01 11:52

I really love the philosophy of at the at the heart of uh colorful feelings collection that if different children need different tools. So I mean, for a parent who is listening who has a child that doesn't respond to the usual approaches, what does honoring a child's unique emotional language actually look like in an ordinary day? What do you say?

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Well, you have to know your own kid. That's step one, or the child that you're taking care of, I guess if you're caring for children that aren't necessarily yours. You really have to know their likes. And that's super easy because kids will tell you what they like all the time. And you can just see them when they go to play. And so, really, if you can incorporate what they like into it, that's step one. And and each kid likes different things, obviously. You know, in Mariah's book, she loves dressing up and tutus where it was her thing. She likes twirling and dancing. And Miles loved superheroes and capes, and there's, you know, other kids that like different things. And so the step one is really to just find out their interests, see what they like. And then the next step is to start associating the color with the feeling because you got to teach it first before they can practice, you know, and then you practice practice. But really, each child has a different set of emotions and emotional roller coasters, and you know, how the resilience each child is differently made for resilience as well. And some kids, like my daughter, will hold her emotions in in certain situations and then explode at home where she feels calm and safe with us. And then she will used to be extremely shy in any situation. And and then where my son is, my older son is relatively emotionally intelligent, and so is my daughter, but she has less highs and lows of emotions. Like he has less outbursts and less, you know, it's more stable linear line if you look at his emotional pattern. And so I think different tools for different kids is important. And the book actually is each book is different because it talks about, you know, Miles had these feelings and his friends had these feelings, and he gave them colors and capes and a tool to help them. And then in Mariah's book, she had to give herself a tool to help with the feelings. And so each kid is so different, and really just knowing the kid, your your child or the kid and knowing what they like, associating the colors, letting them pick the colors with the emotions and teaching it, modeling it and practicing it and understanding that every child is going to be different and need something different. But the tools are the same. So we give tools that can be used for any kids.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Exactly.

unknown 14:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

And also, how can a parent bring their child into a co-regulation moment, like doing a reset together rather than separately?

Color And Art As Co-Regulation

SPEAKER_00 14:50

Yeah, I think that involving your kid in any type of moment of research or understanding of a new practice is important, you know. And I always say to parents, you can even start, you know, we started as early as as one with my my two-year-old teaching emotional intelligence and and even probably before that and taking deep breaths when we're frustrated. And then we use color and play a lot in our family with feelings. And all you have, you could, you know, the research in and saying, like, okay, I am gonna start naming colors for certain feelings, and then you let the kid pick, like, hey, if you're mad, what color do you think you would be? If you're sad, what color do you think you would be? And just really you can have them use a crayon and color that color, and then you can write the their the word and the feeling next to it. If they can write it, great. If they're two or three and they can't write yet, you could do it for them. And so just researching really the correlation between, okay, when you're when you feel this color, when you feel mad, this is the color you see, and that's the research we're doing behind it. So now when we have these feelings, you can you can show mommy with with wearing a color or with coloring a picture that has these colors. So mommy's aware how you're feeling, and we can help you give you the tools and help you co-regulate in the moment. And a lot of times we'll I'll once a week I'll throw crayons and markers on the ground for all my kids, a two, six, and an eight year old, and I'll say, color me how your week was. You know, just it's just fun. And I'll get down and I'll do it with them. I'll color how my week went. And it might be a black, rainy week day, you know, picture of it was a rough week, or it might be the most sunny, beautiful, bright yellow with these beautiful pink flowers, or it might be, you know, you just never know what they're gonna color. And it's just a way that they can express their feelings through color and play and creativity and art.

Curiosity Plus Play As Daily Practice

SPEAKER_01 16:48

Well, if you have to give one advice to the listeners today, what that may be.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

Just get curious about why your kids having the feelings that they're having and get curious with yourself. How are you actually feeling when they're having big feelings? And if you can understand your reaction and your triggers and learn to stabilize those, it's gonna be so much smoother the connection, the reaction between you and your child when they are having big feelings. And I think that we need to, I always tell parents to let your kid out. Like as adults, we hold our, we grow up and we don't act like kids anymore, right? We we're so serious and we're always task-oriented and a lot of us, and we we're we forget how fun we used to be. And so when you have kids, that's your chance to let your kid back out, like yourself, your inner kid out. And so involve them in and you do those things with them through play, through creation, through play-doh, through art, through painting, through games, through imagination. And if you can start doing that, that's also going to build connection and then along the way support their emotional intelligence.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

Amazing. Amazing. And if listeners want to connect with you, what would be the great medium to connect?

Where To Connect And The 20-Second Reset

SPEAKER_00 18:17

Yeah, we have a website and it's colorfulcapesoffeelings.com, and you can find everything on there. We have the books are on there for Amazon and very all the countries. We have free teacher lesson plans, we have free coloring pages for the kids. We have Miles and Mariah have their own Spotify playlist. We have an email there that you can email me if you have questions. I write a blog, I try to get a blog out twice a month. Free parenting tips and tools, ideas of how to connect color to creativity. And so, and I we also have an Instagram page, colorful underscore feelings.books, but the website is the main place to go.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Amazing, amazing. So, dear listeners, what I'll do is I'll put all the links, details, everything into the show notes for your easy reference, and so you can easily reach out and you can have a uh more conversation. And thank you so much, Constance. Like bringing healthcare level understanding of emotional health into something as accessible as a children's book series is exactly the kind of work that world needs more of. So for everyone who is listening, I'd say the small huge small step, like before you try to help your child regulate an emotion, just pause for three seconds and check your own nervous system first. Take one breath, softening your shoulders, and come into the room a little calmer than you arrived. And that 20-second reset is not just for you. It's the first gift that you give your child every single day. Right? So, with this hope, this is your host of week, and this is Helly Man, Healthy Life. I'll see you in the next part.