Strength After Things Break

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Dear listeners, um you know that there's a kind of strength that uh only shows off after something breaks. Uh not the kind that you flex or announce, but I'd say the kind the ones that quietly rebuilds what fell apart. It's the choice to stay in motion when every reason stays to stop. And maybe uh there's that that that's where the real resilience lives, not in kind of never falling, but in what happens next. Yeah. So hey there listeners, I'm your host, Avik, and you are listening to Heavy Waves, a podcast where we slow down long enough to ask the questions that matter. And today we are exploring like what it actually takes to keep going when life doesn't cooperate, when plans collapse, and when starting over feels like the only option left. Yeah. And today I'm joined by a lovely, lovely guest, and I believe I have met him more than once, and uh, such a lovely guest. Please welcome Jay Sashaya. So welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

Thank you very much, Erik. I'm very glad to be here again. Very much.

What Resilience Really Means

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Thank you so much. And uh so I'll uh quickly love to uh start with the word resilience. Like so uh Jay, like I mean when people talk about resilience, there's often this idea that it means bouncing back quickly or staying strong no matter what happens. So but I wonder like if that sets up um if that sets us up for something unrealistic or not. Like what do you think? I mean, what is the biggest misconception here that people hold about resilience? Um especially when they are in the middle of something hard.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Um I to me, r resilience from everything I've been through, um is is it's it's really something you don't realize in a way because you you don't really realize you're getting it. It's not like working your arm out and making your muscles stronger. It's something within you, it's something, and so I think the biggest misconception is that that that that people expect to gain something now from it rather than it's something that builds over time. So somebody that uh, you know, there's an old saying that someone that falls down and gets back up is stronger than someone that's never fallen, which gives them a resilience, okay. And considering my physical uh problems, I've probably fallen a thousand times, but I didn't fall all at once. It was over years and years, and sometimes that falling has been done differently and and you learn different, but it takes that little bit, all it's kind of like a rainstorm. If it sprinkles just a little bit, you you you you you have some um rain, but you don't get as much as when it pours hard. But when it pours hard, it's still got to go quite a while. And that's probably not a good uh um analogy, but it's it's something that resilience it just takes time, it takes time, and then you have to reflect and what did I learn out of it, and then use that resilience, and I think that's a misconception too, is where people don't realize that when when they've gained something from it, they do have a stronger, they they've got a new strength, they've got a new bearing in their life. They have something that that can give them more um more resilience, more it brings it brings forth more strength than than they had before. And it's it's just hard to, I don't think you see it when you're when you're 10 years old, for example. I don't know that you you see it more when you're 20, but when you're 40 and 50 and 60 and 70, now you got something to base it on. And maybe that's why it's it's still hard to explain, but it's m easier to explain than when you're 30 years old. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Exactly.

Showing Up Anyway

SPEAKER_01 5:16

So uh ha here one more part I definitely have to ask. Like, so if resilience is not about being unbreakable, um then what does it actually look like in real time? Uh especially on the days when uh you are not bouncing back at all.

SPEAKER_00 5:44

I I've never I personally have never had a problem bouncing back. It may take me an hour, it may take me a day, it may take me a couple of days, but I'm never really down. I'm so grateful for being alive and being through what I've been through that I feel at my age, I'm I'll be 77 years old. So I feel that my resilience keeps me going no matter what. I just have that there's a certain amount of determination, discipline, uh, tenacity, grit, um uh courage. There, there's a lot of words that you can use, and and it really describes resilience because, or resilience describes those words. But it I'm not afraid of anything. I'm I am truly not afraid of anything. I I think that it it you know whatever greater being somebody believes in uh will carry them through. And you have to believe in it. That's that's the word faith and belief, and that comes from having resilience. You know, the more resilience you have, the more faith you can accomplish something.

SPEAKER_01 7:07

True. And that shifts like uh the idea that resilience might be uh less about strength than more about showing up anyway, even it's always about that.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Yes, yes, yeah. I'm sorry for interrupting, but that that that is you show up no matter what. It's it doesn't matter is if there's a a bad storm outside or if the sun's out, or if it's nighttime and you need to be there, you show up because you've been through it, you've you've experienced it, and and it's it it just adds, it's like adding muscle onto muscle, you know, or except the muscle is in your mind, it's a mindset. I mean, resilience to me is a mindset. My I'm mostly paralyzed, so my body's not real resilient. It it I just have to push it and drag my legs out of bed in the morning, and but it's about my mindset that I can accomplish it, I can do that. So that's what maybe a misconception is. Is you I never thought about it that way till just saying that. That maybe you miss some people have a misconception that they're going to go do something all physically, where it's it really takes place in you in between your ears. Yeah, you know, it's in your mind.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

Very true, very, very true.

Small Steps Through Setbacks

SPEAKER_01 8:29

So um so also I'd love to ask you about the uh everyday part, like uh for someone who is listening who's dealing with a setback right now, maybe um it's a project that didn't work out, or uh very common thing, which is a relationship that ended a health challenge. So how does this show up in the small moments? Like what does resilience actually ask of us? Um I mean when no one's watching Well I know what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

I want to say I do I'm trying to figure out a way to say it. I think I think the the the secret is is when no one's watching is just as important or more important because it gives you credibility, it gives you the strength that you know. I mean, if you've got resilience and you have faith and you have discipline and you have consistency, that you you don't give up no matter what. It's like if you're gonna do, if you're gonna do, if you're a a good person and you're doing it if what the higher authority above you wants you to do, you're going to do what's right, regardless. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if somebody's watching or it's midnight or it's 12 o'clock at at lunchtime. Um, continue on, but that's in your mind that you can do that. And I I I uh wow, but in and it and take small steps because you asked before, if I'm if I'm not mistaken, it was like, what can someone do? And that's always take small steps. It's kind of like dream big or have a good vision down the road, but take small steps. And one one thing that I would use as an example is when I was paralyzed and was never supposed to move again. And as I progressed over many months and was on uh the parallel bars that you have in physical therapy, you know, where you got the two bars, you you put your hands on them and the best you can. If and and you and you they follow you with a wheelchair because your legs aren't working well, but you're trying to walk and trying to learn. A lot of people, if the bars are 10 feet long, a lot of people look at their feet or they they they they concentrate on way that where they are now. I tend to look at the end of the bar. I look at the end of where I want to go, and then I set my sights on that, and I go a little bit at a time. And pretty soon people will say, How did you get down there? Well, it's because I didn't look at the now, I looked at the future, and I went down the road, I continued forward, I didn't stop. Even if you only move an inch a minute, but you work at it for an hour, you just move five feet. Because that's 60 inches, an inch a minute. What if you move five inches a minute? You just went 300 inches. Well, 300 inches is what 18 feet or something like that. So you you went a lot further, but don't don't give up. Look down the road, continue on, small steps. And and the other thing about taking small steps, is that that if you falter or things don't work out uh perfectly the way you want them to do, it's easy to correct that problem or that situation or what you're trying to do moving forward. And because you just took a small step, you can you can correct it. It's not a big job. If you take a big leap at uh each time and you fall down, you may not get up again.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

Very, very well said, yeah. I mean totally agree. And and you know, like one more one more thing is here, um uh what about the setback when it's not a kind of dramatic? It's uh uh I mean just this low hum of things which is not working and that quiet frustration that builds over the thing. Like uh what do I say? Like uh how do how do people stay connected to the resilience when it's not a crisis? It's just a slow drain. I just uh asked you the earlier one the same way, like what if the setback is not uh kind of dramatic?

SPEAKER_00 13:48

If the setback is not dramatic, yeah, then it's not much of a setback because it's just something small, if if that's what I'm understanding, and it's something small, if you have the right mindset, the small things are all you can take care of that without a problem, and and even if if even if you can't take care of it, if you can't do it, go a little different direction, pivot a little bit, go a little different way, and and move on to something else. Because either maybe you're not meant to go the way you thought you were supposed to go. So if it's just something small, don't worry about it. I mean, I I I don't, I'm not going to. I'm is it's just something you either have to overcome or you just move around it and continue on, or you'll never get to your objective.

Choose Work You Actually Enjoy

SPEAKER_01 14:57

So, and also like if someone who is listening and they're just ready to try a different approach, not the another uh strategy, but something that shifts how they are moving through this. So, what would you invite them to do?

SPEAKER_00 15:18

I so much of it, I think where where you're going with this are asking about for someone that they they need to decide what they like to do. What do they want to do? Because too many people act on what someone else wants them to do, and then instead of them doing what they want to do, if that makes sense. And so if you're going to want to do something, do something you enjoy, something you like, because I really believe that a lot of people uh uh have problems in their life or or or they're failing at something because they really don't enjoy it. I would rather I would rather make half the money if we're let's just share that the the fact of finances, okay. I would rather make half the money doing something I enjoyed and I look forward to doing and it helped other people and and and I was happy than making a whole lot of money and sitting in traffic and dealing with things I hate. And when I get home, I don't want to see anybody and I don't want to talk to my kids, or I I I dread going to bed and I dread getting up. That's it's not worth it. Life's too short. Life's too short. Do something you like, choose something you would really enjoy doing. If if you like doing working with a product or a service or or or helping people, I find something you like to do and do that. That's it, because then it's not a job, it's something you enjoy. I don't think I've ever had a job because I I either enjoy what I'm doing, or I I look for something different.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 17:17

And and if you think about it ahead of time, you don't make that big step of starting into something that you don't enjoy to begin with.

SPEAKER_01 17:28

Exactly. And and it is it it it's uh it's a like uh realistic thing because uh that is the reason uh always say, right, that um if you l love your job, you will not look for what time it is right now or how much time you have spent. You will because you love that job, so uh for you nothing matters. But the thing is uh sometimes what happens uh I mean in a lot of scenarios I have also seen like where people they think that okay, I have to do this. Okay, I'll do this from next month or from next week. But the thing is that next week never comes, and we always end up with uh okay, I have to do, I have to do, I have to do, but still that I have to don't get converted into I am doing it.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

Right, right. No, you're you're yes, you and you're you're you're actually you know you're right, because if if you if you're sitting there doing something you don't like, you're you're counting the minutes, you're counting the hours, you're counting the days, you you're you're like, oh my

Time Moves Fast So Start

SPEAKER_00 18:50

gosh, I just gotta keep. And if you're doing that, it's not like you know, the the one thing, and I and I and I like to talk about time and life, because time, time is when you have a bank account, you know how much money you put in the bank or you take out of the bank, or what your balance is. When when you're conceived, not when you're born, when you're conceived, God or your your your being, whoever that your your superior being is, they've given you a certain number of years, months, weeks, hours, days, minutes, whatever, until your life is over. Okay, but you can't, you don't know what that time is. You never you never know. You can't check your balance of time. And that being said, when when you're when when you're alive, and I've been on the other side where I haven't been alive, and life has so much to offer someone, and people have so much to offer life. And if you when you're when you're when you're 30 years old, look back and ask yourself, how long was it since you were 20? It it just went by, it was like last week. Okay, so when you're 50, now it went faster from 30 to 50 than it did from 20 to 30. It just keeps going faster and faster and faster and faster. And it's uh do something you like because pretty soon you're gonna be out of time to do something you like or want to do if you haven't started it earlier in life. And that doesn't mean you can't change different things as as things come on. I mean, look at technology, look at look at different things. I mean, I remember when farming for us was you had to pick corn by hand. Okay, well, I did technically I don't remember that, but my grandfather does. And my dad had the beginnings of the combines, and we now they've got combines. We had a two-row combine, and people couldn't believe it. Now they got 30, 30 row combines, 30. That's 15 times as big, you know. Where we used to do uh say 25 acres a day, now they do 500 acres a day. And so it it's it's everything moves forward and it moves fast. Choose what you want to do, and you'll you'll be more at peace with yourself too. And you're glad when you go to when you go to bed at night, you can lay down and be hey, I I accomplished this today. I I thank God for it. I I thank him for what he helped me through, and I trust that he's gonna put me on a right path for tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01 21:53

Exactly. Exactly true. Amazing. So um Yeah, I mean uh I I know time is constrained, but still um what one uh message you would love to share with Elizabeth?

Always Too Soon To Quit

SPEAKER_00 22:16

We we we've talked about resilience and we've talked about mindset. And I I I there there's actually there's there's two messages that I I think I would I would want to say. Number number one is it well it's it it's in a book that I wrote, and and uh um the the name of it is the strength within you, which is what we're talking about. Resilience is the strength within you as a person. And it so the name of the book is the strength within you, it's always too soon to quit. So I think people need to find that strength they have within themselves, whether that's religion, whether that's uh their DNA, whether it's anger, whether it's pain, but dig into that and find it and realize that you can accomplish something, but remember it's always too soon to quit. Too many people stop right before they could have accomplished what they wanted to do. Whatever that is, it doesn't matter what it is, they just stop too early. Now, if you're going down the wrong track, yes, you should change, but you shouldn't have taken too big a step, and you should have realized that earlier. But it's always too soon to quit. And and last but not least, is is a saying that's attributed to an American writer. I don't know that he said it, but this is what they say he said it. But it was, and it what it says is that what lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are small matters compared to what lies within us. Because within us, we have all the knowledge and all the strength and all the resilience and all the grim determination that we've learned from all of our of what we've been through throughout life, and use that to move forward, but it lies within you and your heart and in your mind. Very true, very true.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

Yeah, amazing.

Closing Reflections And Links

SPEAKER_01 24:28

So uh listeners, what I'll do is um I'll put all the links, details, everything into the show notes for your easy reference so that you can easily reach out to Jay. And um I have to say that it is a you know, like resilience is not about uh never breaking, it's all about what you do with the pieces. Exactly. So thanks.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

As a matter of fact, I I would add in here at the end of your show where you're saying resilience is about being broken and coming back. Yeah, resilience is about falling down and getting back up. Resilience is all about all of the getting through the hard times and realizing that there are better times there and learning from the past. Yeah, so sorry, I I had to say that. I hope they didn't interrupt you.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

I'm sure. No, definitely not, definitely not. So it's totally totally fine. And um so uh yeah, so so it sounds like I just have to say that. Uh thank you so much for being here and uh for everyone listening. Wherever you are in your own uh, just remember that the fact that you are still here, still asking, still trying, and that's not small. That's everything. So take care of yourself, and I'll see you next time on Helly Waves. Thank you so much.