The Hidden Cost Of Looking Fine

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Dear listeners, there's a kind of person who looks like they have it all together. They show up, they deliver, they answer the emails, make the diners, and as they hold the whole thing up. And from the outside, everyone assumes that they are fine. Inside, something quieter is happening. They are not thriving. They are not they are performing. Performing the role of someone who is okay while running on fumes underneath. We don't talk about this much, right? Because high-functioning survival doesn't look like a crisis. It looks like the competence. And today we are pulling back the curtain on what that performance actually costs. So hey day listeners, welcome back to another powerful episode of Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. I'm your host, Avik, and this is the podcast where we talk about the mental health the way it actually shows up in real lives, not in textbooks. And today's topic is one that hides in plain sight. The people who uh seem the most put together are sometimes the most exhausted because looking fine has become a full-time job. Right? And Dela says my guest knows this pattern intimately. And we are going to talk about it with the honesty that it deserves. So uh I'm really glad that we have a very lovely guest with us today. So please welcome Lisa Lacy. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

Oh, thank you so much. What a lovely, lovely intro uh into our conversation. Uh, you nailed every aspect of it. So I'm I'm so excited about being here and thank you for creating this space to have real conversations.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Thank you so much. It really means a lot. And uh dear listeners, before we delve deep into the discussion with Lisa, I'd quickly love to introduce you with Lisa. So Lisa has spent real time with this idea of high-functioning survival, both in her own life and in her work. And uh she brings a clear, grounded voice to it. So a lot and much of time. And uh let's get

Rest Without Guilt Takes Practice

SPEAKER_00 2:28

started. So uh Lisa, thank you so much for being here. And uh before we get into the uh the discussion, as I mentioned, so uh if you can share, like what uh I mean when you when you actually let yourself rest uh with no guilt attached, what does that look like for you? I mean, if we can share.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Does that ever happen? Huh. Let me think. Um, what that looks like is a lot of practice. Um, I tied a lot of my worth uh for the majority of my life to what I could produce, to how high I could get, to how much I could perform. So even now, sometimes I'll catch myself uh, and because of my congenital blood disease, I need to rest when I need to rest. I'll catch myself drifting into that old pattern of, oh, but I've got this to do and this to do and this to do. So for some of us, resting without guilt takes practice.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

Yeah. And I think uh it stuck with me also, like performing high-functioning survival. And uh if you can share what that actually means from the inside, when did you first realize that what looked like you doing great was really you holding on by fingernails, and at the same time, if you can also share like what tipped you off that something underneath was not

Rehab And The Shock Of Labels

SPEAKER_00 4:03

okay?

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Um, I I entered inpatient rehabilitation at 40 years old. I've recently just turned 50. So my my journey into these discoveries began about 10 years ago. But I would say it wasn't until a few years ago that I I really looked back with hindsight and realized that uh how much everything looked polished from the outside and and how lonely it was to go through all of that. Um because it does look polished from the outside. Everything looks shiny, everything looks clean, everything looks polished. We were the perfect blended family. And honestly, if I'm honest, some of that was my doing because there was shame attached to what was happening behind the scenes, there was guilt attached, there was humiliation attached. And at that time, I was still very concerned about what others would think.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

So in that moment of realizing it, what was the hardest part to admit to yourself?

SPEAKER_01 5:24

The the hardest part to I'll say agree to was when I I entered inpatient rehab thinking I had a a slightly bad marriage and a minor drinking problem, and left with a chart that was an inch thick with diagnoses and new terms, trauma bonding, gaslighting, um uh baiting and bashing, uh, all these all these new terms, CPTSD, bipolar, borderline, chronic alcoholism, all of these terms were new to me. So uh that was the the beginning of oh, okay. One, it made the previous 40 years make sense. That's what I'll say. I do not like labels. I think we can become identified to those um and turn those into our identity, but they are a beautiful starting place for healing. So it was sitting on that plane, fresh out of inpatient rehabilitation from a dual diagnosis center for mental health and addiction, that I realized, oh wow, something, something is not right here. I need a lot more help than I thought.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

That's such a kind of honest place to start. Because the cruel thing about this pattern is that the better you perform, the less help anyone offers, since nobody can see you struggling. Right. So you become a victim of your own competence and the moment you described when where you finally saw the gap between how you uh looked and how you felt, that's the moment when the real work actually starts, even

Dropping Roles To Find Freedom

SPEAKER_00 7:15

though uh it feels like falling apart.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

So yeah, yeah, but you know, it's to deconstruct, you know, part of the the process that I teach, deconstruction is uh one of the steps in that process. It's dropping all identities, it's dropping all roles, and then deciding, because it can be a choice, who you really are underneath all of that. And then once you decide that, everything starts reorienting around who you are now. But there is so much freedom to be found in not being the entertainment anymore, in not having to perform anymore, because I like myself now. That was the end result of the very long doing everything I was told, every form of therapy, every form of treatment, every brain scan they could do. Basically, at the end of the day, the conclusion I came to is if you really like who you are, because see, I didn't. I didn't like who I was. I hated myself for staying in a toxic marriage, and I couldn't understand why I couldn't get out because I didn't know what trauma bonds were at that time. So if you really, really like yourself, then you care much, much less about what other people think. And so if something's not shiny or polished, it doesn't matter to you any longer. But I think a lot of that comes with uh getting your your rear-in handed to you and some humility and willingness to grow.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

Yep, exactly. I would go a bit deeper, uh, underneath the behavior into where it comes from. Performing okay doesn't appear out of I mean nowhere. Somewhere along the way, uh, most of us learned that uh being fine or uh at least looking fine kept us safe or loved

Childhood Roots Of Overperforming

SPEAKER_00 9:20

or out of trouble. So if you can share where do you think this survival performance uh took root for you and uh what was it originally protecting you from?

SPEAKER_01 9:31

Well, for me, I believe that most of our patterns do begin in childhood. I grew up in a very chaotic, unstable household and uh w had a high intelligence, but a low emotional intelligence. Um, again, I think I would prefer a high EQ over a high IQ, but I was you know captain of everything. I made straight A's, I was in leadership uh everywhere we went. We ended up moving around a lot eventually. Uh but I thought that if I performed hard enough, somebody would finally see me. And also there was a little bit of it kept me out of trouble because if I made an A, it wasn't noticed. But if I made a B, that was noticed. That did get in trouble. So uh there was a bit of, oh, this is required, but there was also this need to be seen, witnessed, and heard. And I I thought as a child, I reasoned, well, if I can perform hard enough, if I can perform best, if I can be number one, then it will be enough, then I will be enough, therefore I will matter.

SPEAKER_00 10:56

All right, all right. And uh does that younger part of you, the one who learns to perform, uh still show up today?

SPEAKER_01 11:09

Of course. I think our our little selves uh sometimes are running the show. So uh, you know, I I if you've ever been around a grown adult who's acting like a five-year-old, my husband does it all the time. Yes, my my little child still runs the show at times, but I'm the one in charge now. So I I did a lot of connecting to those parts of myself that were abandoned, connecting to those parts of myself that were neglected. And my philosophy is I can now give myself all of those things. I can give myself validation, I can give myself a sense of worth. So I provide all of that to me now, needing a lot less external validation, which I think is a form of freedom too. Um, because at the end of the day, that's what comes from uh dropping it all, dropping

Midlife Trauma Bonds And Workaholism

SPEAKER_01 12:05

the identities, dropping the roles, dropping the polished persona is freedom to be who you really are underneath all of it. But for me, it absolutely started in childhood.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Exactly. Exactly. Obviously, it's a lot harder to hate yourself for it. It wasn't weakness, and it was a strategy that worked at some point and then quietly uh outlived its usefulness.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

And yeah, and I think it it does eventually stop working at some point, and I think for a lot of women, it's when we do hit midlife because of course we're transitioning hormonally, uh, we're reflecting on our lives in a new way. Uh, I feel like this midlife transition uh created a whole new person. I have a whole new body shape, I have a whole new mind. Um, so uh it just if we can if we can let it all go, you know, that fear of, oh my gosh, what if they really see me? Isn't that the irony? I wanted to be seen as a child, and then as an adult, I became so polished because I was scared of what if they really see me? And I was so good, and I have a performance background as well. I was on full of scholarship for performance and storytelling, but uh I was so good at it that by the time I got out of my my trauma-bonded relationship with a clinically diagnosed human with NPD, I a lot of people did not believe me. They were like, there's no way this has all been going on behind the scenes, and you you didn't say a word. So, but the first step is to know there's a problem, to know you're in it. And workaholism had become such a coping mechanism for me because I was good at it. Uh so I I I quite often didn't see it long enough. And if you're mired in addiction on top of everything else, it is much, much, much harder to see with a clear mind. So sometimes it does take people telling us over and over and over again. I mean, when they told me, and I had a team of five of the most brilliant, brilliant psychiatrists I have ever met in inpatient rehab, and then I had transitioned over to outpatient rehab. But my friend, when they told me that I was in a trauma-bonded relationship, my response to them was, I'm too smart for that. Like I literally thought I was immune to being in a toxic relationship because I was too smart for, and it would take another three years to believe them, to believe them and and stop and go, oh wow, this is toxic. And the reason I keep going back is because of all of the biological uh components that go into being trauma bonded with another human being.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

Very true, very, very true. And uh the

Small Daily Leaks Of Survival Mode

SPEAKER_00 15:20

ordinary day, because that's where it really leaves. Uh so for someone who is a high functioning and quietly running on empty, uh the cost doesn't show up in big collapses, it shows up in uh small ways. So uh I'm curious, is like in your own daily life, where did the survival mode actually leak out? What were the small things that you and people close to you could have noticed it that it I mean anyone was looking?

SPEAKER_01 15:52

Well, I I think the amount of addiction I eventually got mired into and the slow progression of that uh was part of it. Uh there there wasn't a lot of joy in me. Um and and personally, you know, if you're out there right now listening to this and going, huh, is that me? Is that not me? I'll tell you the biggest default that I've experienced when I was mired in all of that, uh, and in all of that mud and muck. I would wake up and the F bomb was the first thing out of my mouth because I was like, I don't, I don't want to do this, I don't know how to do this. How am I gonna get through this day? That's the first thing that would happen as soon as I opened my eyes is how am I gonna get through this day? I don't even know if I I want to do this. My new default is now I'm not a morning person, so I'm not doing cartwheels first thing in the morning. But now I wake up and I'm like, what do I get to do today? There's a huge difference. So through all of the uh uh reframing, through all of the developing new neural pathways, I ended up with a new, a new software download. Now my hardware is still the same, but a new software download where I have a new default where I look forward to what I get to do today, even if it's some of the drudgy ordinary stuff like pay bills. So if you're waking up or if you're looking around your life going, whoa, this isn't my life. Where did the time go? What happened here? Those are little signs to you to start saying something to someone, but you have to say it to yourself first. You have to be honest, and it's a brutal honesty too, because if you're in toxic relationships, chances are you're a little toxic too. I was toxic and in toxic relationships. So you have to, it opens up with brutal honesty and then finding the right person to share with the first time. Because I had opened up to a handful of people about what was happening behind the scenes, but they were not safe people. And what I mean by safe is one, are they professionals? Because going to a professional, they're going to be able to be objective with you. But if you go to someone that say our friends, families, coworkers, just make sure they're safe people and have proven with the history of

Brutal Honesty And Safe Support

SPEAKER_01 18:35

actions of showing up to be supportive for you and that they know you and that they understand and they want you to win. Make sure they want you to win in life and in inside of yourself. So uh just be careful who you open up to the first time because it's scary and it's a vulnerable place to go. This is what's happening behind the scenes, and I've never told anybody this. And when in doubt, if you're not sure there is anyone that's safe in your circle, definitely reach out for some uh clinical therapeutic support, is where I recommend to start out. And then once you outgrow that, uh transformational trauma coaches have been instrumental in my growth as well.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

Amazing, amazing.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

So if you have to give uh everyone uh advice today, what that would be what would my advice be to say something to to say something if there uh is uh the opportunity to live a life uh that means something to and for you, just you, just you because this existence at the end of the day is about us, us alone, us solo, and can you get to a place where you can just be being and know that you matter and are worthy, not for who you are, not for what you do, not for who you take care of, but just because you exist. So if you are not there, by all means find some external support to start out with, but be honest with yourself. Are you really happy?

SPEAKER_00 20:44

Lovely. And if listeners wants to connect with you, what would be the great medium to connect with?

SPEAKER_01 20:49

Well, there's a a couple of different ways. First of

Worth Beyond Doing And Closing

SPEAKER_01 20:52

all, I love to hear other people's stories. So if you want to reach out to me with a story, feel free to email me directly at contact at Lisa- or hyphenlacey.com. We have a new website launching in a couple weeks. Very simple, lisa lacey.com. Or you can see some of my additional work, the upcoming book release, everything that's happening on my LinkedIn page, which is LisaLacy Calm, and it says writer with a brown banner right up top. You can't miss it.

SPEAKER_00 21:25

Amazing, amazing. So this is what I'll do is I'll put all the links and the details into the show notes for your easy reference. So, first of all, I definitely love to thank Lisa. Uh, this is exactly the kind of honest conversation Healthy Mind Healthy Life exists for. And uh what I'll carry with me is what you said about competence becoming that ramp. Uh, how the better we perform, the less help we are offered. That reframe matters, and uh to whosoever who's listening right now, especially the one uh everyone leans on, the one who always seems fine. I definitely want to say uh this plainly that you are allowed to put the performance down. You don't have to earn your rest by collapsing the first. You you are a person, not a role. So let someone see the real you this week. So it might be uh the most healing thing that you right. So with this, hope this is your host awake, and this is Hilly Man Hillaive. Stay happy, stay healthy.