After The Funeral Silence

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Nobody really tells you what to do after. After the funeral, after the casseroles stop arriving, after the messages slow down and the world quietly expects you to be okay again. You're standing in your kitchen holding a coffee mug that used to be theirs, and the silence is louder than anything you've ever heard. Grief isn't a chapter you finish. It's a country you live in for a while. Sometimes a long while. And the people who have actually walked through it are the only ones who can say with real honesty that it doesn't stay this heavy forever. Today's guest is one of those people. She has lived it.

Meet Patty And The Theme

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Hello and welcome to Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. I am Archita sitting in for Avik today, and this is the show where we have honest conversations about the parts of being human. We don't always know how to talk about. My guest today is Patty Comeo Simonson. Patty has been a pure grief specialist and griefement professional since 2007, holds a thanatology certificate from the National Center of Death Education, and is the author of Recipes for Healing, Walking Through Grief One Plate at a Time. But more than her credentials, Patty is someone who has loved, lost, and chosen every single day to keep going. Today, we're talking about what happens when they are gone and how you find your way back to joy without ever pretending the loss didn't matter. So, Patty, welcome to the show and it's such an honor to host you today.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Thank you so much. I appreciate you having me on. And that was a beautiful introduction. Absolutely correct, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

Thank you for being here, Patty, because I think this conversation is going to mean a lot for the listeners out there who are going through it and uh, you know, trying to process their grief, trying to be okay. So I think this is going to help them a lot. But before we start, there is a gentle disclaimer to our listeners. Um, some statements reflect personal belief and experiences and are presented as individual views, not medical advice. So listeners should consult qualified professionals for medical conditions. And now that we have it out of the way, uh, without wasting any more time, let's dive into the conversation, Patty. And before yeah, and before we um get into the bigger conversation, I want to start somewhere personal. So uh after all these years of walking alongside people in their grief, what's the part of this work that still moves you even now?

SPEAKER_01 3:03

Oh, that's a wonderful question. And I will tell you very easily what that is. When I work with people who have gone through the loss of a spouse or a parent, um, especially a spouse, because uh I have lost the spouse, but I feel so blessed to think that people are taking me into their sacred space. And for me, it's about companioning people. Um, I've walked that dark road, so I know what it feels like, I know what the beginning feels like, what the big middle feels like, and hopefully what a joyful ending can feel like. But um, it's it's really the fact that people take me into their into their thoughts of what they're feeling, uh, and sometimes the thoughts that they don't share with their family or even closest friends. So I'm honored that uh I'm able to work with people that are going through loss, navigating everything.

SPEAKER_00 4:17

Absolutely, and um I I can only imagine how that must be like for you. But at the same time, I'm really glad for all the work that you're doing because I think this is really rare. I think we need more people like you to help others and guide others because I think there are way too many people in this world right now who think that they are alone in this journey. But people like you are here to remind them that they are not, which is really important in today's course. So thank you for the work that you're doing, Patty. And uh, I think this is a great place to start this conversation with, uh, because it also brings me to another point.

Grief Has No Timeline

SPEAKER_00 5:01

Um, you know, uh there's this quiet expectation in our culture that grief should have a timeline, you know, a few weeks of casseroles, a few months of compassion, and then somehow you're supposed to go back to normal. But you have sat with people in this for nearly two decades. So, what's the biggest misconception you think people carry about how long grief actually lasts and what it really looks like?

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Well, the I think the biggest misconception is that uh, and and not for all, but for many, many people, they feel that after a few months, in particular, when people have stopped coming around, have stopped checking in, um, that they are being looked upon as, okay, I I need to feel better, I need to get out there, I need to get on. And quite frankly, that's just not how it is, basically. Uh, grief doesn't have a timeline. It absolutely doesn't have a timeline, but it's unique to everyone. So, I mean, there are some people that can kind of really get, you know, back into life fairly quickly. What people might think is quick, but it's how they're handling what they're going through. So it's unique for everyone. Everyone is different. Um, and then others take a very take longer, I should say. And I won't even say a very long time, because there isn't a very long time. First of all, it never ever completely goes away. And I think that's the probably the biggest misconception is that people think that after a certain time period you you'll be over it and you you will just be able to move on and you'll feel better. And and while that might be somewhat true for a very small amount of people, grief will always be with you. And the reason for that is is that person that you loved was an important part of your life, uh, was part of your history. So um, just because they're physically not with you, you will always have memories that in in essence become treasures over the years. Um, and they're part of your healing process, those memories. And um so truly um people have to understand that uh people who have had a significant loss, um, it takes time, but um, it brings me to a point that, you know, I know when when you think that someone, a f a dear friend of yours has lost somebody very important, and you think that after a few months uh they're fine, that you don't need to check in so much or anything, it's really a time where you should be. It really is, because um to what that grief is isolating. It's very isolating. And sometimes people need a little push or just to know that you're you're thinking about them. Uh, you know, just a a little quick phone call or a quick text just to say, I'm thinking about you. Um, and I will say, never say, never ever say, um, I'm here for you. Just uh tell me what you need, because really and truly, we don't need know what we need at that particular time. We have no idea really what we need. Um, we're just going through the movements and hoping to get through each day, especially in the beginning, you know. Um, it's tough to get through each day. So if people understand that, um, because it's about not being able to do this alone, too. Uh, and again, grief is very isolating for that person who's going through it. So if she has, she or he has a good support system, whether it be family, whether it be friends, whether it be um a pastor or rabbi or a minister, um, you can't do it alone. You you need to have someone there helping you along, checking in with you periodically.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

Patty, I think that is such an important reminder, you know, uh, because these are the things about grief that nobody has really taught us. But I think you're absolutely correct. I think grief works differently for different people. Um, and it might take there's no specific timeline for it. It might take forever for some people to uh you know go uh to heal as well, because like you said, it never really goes away. And only those who have experienced that and survived that kind of loss can um understand this.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

So yes, that's well, because too, um, you know, if it softens, it it it's obviously in the very beginning it's it's gut wrenching and it's really, really hard. But as time goes on, because we are still here, we do have to, we have to live. So um it softens, and that's a good thing. And as it softens, that's when little bits and pieces of joy come into your life. Um, it doesn't mean that you're that you may not have sorrowful days because you will. Sometimes joy and sorrow, not sometimes joy and sorrow, they can coexist. You can be laughing one moment and crying the next, and that's okay, because that's all part of the process.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

Exactly. You couldn't have put it in a better way. And I think what you're really trying to say is that um the pain might go away, but the scar always remains as a reminder. Yeah, and you know what you just said that is such a tender truth, Patty, because I think so many grieving people end up performing okayness to just to keep the people around them um comfortable, and that performance becomes its own quiet exhaustion, which which leads me. Yeah, which leads me to another

Isolation And Saying Their Name

SPEAKER_00 11:43

point. So you have said something so important in your work um that you cannot grieve alone, and yet that's exactly what so many people end up doing. They isolate, they protect others from their pain, and they stop reaching out because they are tired of being asked how they are doing. So, what are the deeper patterns underneath this isolation that you have witnessed again and again?

SPEAKER_01 12:09

Okay. Um if people are are uh really being uh are in isolation with uh and not going out and not uh being around people, um it it isn't a good thing, especially if it it if it is I have something up on my screen, I'm sorry. There's something coming up on the there we go. Okay. Um the isolation is a thing, it really is. And um it's important um that I I am a big believer of getting um support from like a bereavement counselor or a peer counselor or a therapist, um, because that having a person that can that is not part of your family or not part of a close member, a close family member or a friend, um they have they're coming in totally judgmental free. And they just want to know exactly how you're feeling and where you're going with this. And so if you have someone that you are people that I know, I really, really encourage uh to talk with someone because it helps the isolation. They have to get the feelings, people have to talk about their feelings. Um, that helps the isolation. Um, they have to speak their name, that's another thing. Um, people around them tend to not want to say that person's name because they're fearful that they're going to make that person unhappy or make them cry. And I say, you know what? Speak their name. They want to hear that name. And yes, maybe they might cry. Yes, they might, but I can guarantee you they've been doing plenty of currying anyway. Um, but if you're speaking that person's name, it tells them that you cared about that person as well, and that you care about how they're feeling and what they're going through by missing that person. So it's very, very important. I always tell um the grieving person to mention the name and uh anyone that is around them to mention their name because it takes away the isolation if you do do that, because I can guarantee you in most cases, they want to speak about them. But they are they're the same as the other people. They don't want to bring it up because they feel like, oh, they'll think you know that something's wrong with me by talking about him or her that much and everything, which there is that's part of grief, that's part of the process. So um speaking their name is very important and it helps with uh not being so isolated as well.

SPEAKER_00 15:18

I think it it makes a lot of sense now. It makes a lot of sense for the grieving people uh you know to want to remember them as well, because I think somehow they might also feel like everyone around them is moving on and forgetting about the person dear to them. So it it only makes sense if they would want to hear their name from time to time. So I think um we think that's a great advice, and thank you so much for naming that because I feel the right support isn't one size, it's whatever helps a person feel less alone in their specific kind of love and their specific kind of loss.

What Grief Looks Like Daily

SPEAKER_00 15:58

And yeah, and now let's let's bring this into real life now because you know uh grief is all about real life, anyways. So let's say uh Patty, someone listening right now is in the middle of it, you know, they lost their person three weeks ago, or three months ago, or three years ago. Uh, they got out of bed today, they made it to work, uh, they're holding it together for everyone else. But the moment they're alone in their car or their kitchen, the wave hits. So, what does grief actually look like in real everyday life? And what do you want this person to understand about themselves today?

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Well, um, you sort of are describing exactly how it was for me uh and so many people that I talked to. Um and most people have to go to work and they have to move on. And um uh a particular incident when my husband died, we had our own heating business. And so uh after the funeral and after a week or so, I had to, I worked in the office and I had to go back in the office because there were workers that were having to do their job. And one of the workers, when he came into work and I was at the desk, he said to me, Um, can I ask you a question, Patty? And I said, sure. He said, Um, I can't believe you're sitting here. And this was about two weeks afterwards. Um, I can't believe you're sitting here taking phone calls, talking to people. I I would think you wouldn't want to be here. And I said, I would like to be in my bed with the covers up over my head, sobbing. That's what I would like to do, but I can't. I have no choice. This is what I have to do. And that's the story for a lot of people. They don't have a choice, they do have to get back. And it's not because they want to, I can guarantee you, it's because they have to in most cases. Um, and so it looks what it looks like, it's hard. But you know, at the end of the day, it's uh for me, I went back home and just um did a lot of crying. That's what a lot of people will do. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. I cooked because I like to cook, and so um, it sort of took me out of my pain, and I had to kind of concentrate on on what I was doing. Uh, so it took me out of my thoughts. Um after time passes, so I tell people, you know, do what whatever it does. Some people like to journal, some people like to just listen to music, uh, some people like to take long walks just to just to calm themselves, you know. Um, do whatever makes you feel good.

Comfort Tools And A Survival Kit

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Um that's why I I um I come up with the this little thing I call the survival kit. And it's um you can put it in anything. That's a little box. Mine was a little box, and um, when I was having a difficult time or you know, really feeling like the the walls were caving in, um, I would open up this and what I would put in tangible things that um just made me feel good, like pictures of my husband, um pictures of when we were dating, um, pictures of coins that he collected, not pictures, actual coins that he collected, it would just bring me comfort because that's what it's about during this time is finding things that will comfort you. And it can be a multitude of things, you know.

Purpose Self Care And Volunteering

SPEAKER_01 20:02

And as time passes, um as and and you are starting to get out more and be a little bit more social, I often say to people, um, try to find something that you can volunteer in, something that that you like. Um, I mean, I I've had um clients that um go to hospitals and rock babies because it just it's helping the hospital and they're they're getting such comfort by doing something for someone else. Um volunteer in any way that you can uh for something that you're passionate about. Um another person volunteered in the library. Um it's just another person took up photography. Um, it's just doing fine things that you maybe couldn't do when you were together with that person, but now you have the time. And it's about self-care, which is extremely important. Because if you don't take care of yourself during this time, uh, and it's not a selfish thing, it's not a selfish thing at all, but because if you don't take care of yourself, you're really not good for anybody. So um that's how I got involved with hospice. Uh, I became a volunteer. Um, not right away, was a year or so later. Um, but it took me out of my head and out of my pain. And I had a purpose that I was helping someone, or you know, just doing something for someone else. And you'd be surprised how much that helps your grieving. It really helps you to just find more meaning in your life. And that's what we will end up doing the longer it goes, you end up finding a purpose. And that's my hope for people that they will find a purpose that is just outside of themselves because it's so helpful in the grieving journey that you're on. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

Yes, it makes a lot of sense. And honestly, all of all of the things that you've shared, they're so reassuring for especially for people thinking that there is no out, uh, you know, um no going out of it now. So I think that is such a um soft place to land because we so often think that healing requires big, brave gestures when in reality it begins with the smallest acts of self-tenderness in the middle of an ordinary day. So, whatever works for you, I think you should do that, especially uh in a time like this when you have to take care of yourself as well. So, thank you for reminding all of us today, um, Patty. And I think I think this has been such a tender and meaningful conversation.

Where To Find Patty

SPEAKER_00 23:06

And I know people listening are going to want to find you your books and your work. So, Patty, where is the best place for them to connect with you?

SPEAKER_01 23:15

Well, I'm on Instagram and I share blogs on Instagram, um uh at that's Patty Sim1 uh on Instagram, also the same on Facebook. Um, I have a website, Patty Camo Simonson.com, and that is where the blogs are, which are really interesting. All facets of grief uh talked about. And um also uh my book, my most recent book, uh Recipes for Healing Worth Working Through Grief One Plate at a Time, um, I think is really it's become very, very helpful. And um, that's on Amazon and Barndonoble, anywhere you can find where you can purchase books, that's where my books are.

SPEAKER_00 24:00

Amazing. Thank you so much, Patty. And we'll link all of that in the show notes for anyone walking this road right now. Thank you. And thank you,

A Small Kind Act Today

SPEAKER_00 24:10

Patty. And uh to our listeners, if something in this episode reached a part of you that's been quietly grieving, even a grief no one else has fully seen, I would gently invite you to do one thing today: not a journal entry, not a plan, just one small kind act for the version of you that is still loving someone you can't hold anymore. Light a candle, say their name out loud, make their favorite tea. Because grief isn't proof that we loved too much, it's proof that we loved at all. And love, even after loss, is still worth honoring. Thank you for being here on Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. Take care of your mind, take care of your heart, and take care of the love you're still carrying.