Welcome And Why Identity Matters

Welcome back to Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. I'm your host Cyan, as most of you would know, and this is the space where we bring real and honest conversations about the inner work of being human. My guest today is Ronald Xion Rosboro. Ronald is the founder of The Shame Free Life, a trauma recovery coach who walked through chronic and complicated grief himself and turned that pain, that journey into work that helps other people heal now. He also holds a master's in human service counseling with a focus on crisis response and trauma and also a best-selling author. And his whole mission is helping people stop wearing shame as if it were their identity. So today we are gonna discover who you are after a specific trauma injury, and from there, how to rebuild your identity. So if you have ever sat with a quiet question about what your identity truly is, I invite you to join me on this conversation. So uh Ronald, welcome to the show. It's a pleasure to have you here with us today. And uh, you know, I think this is this is important because I I believe our core values has never been this important uh, you know, than ever, especially uh now that we are surrounded by uh digital media, and uh you know it's it's very it's it has become very hard to actually live by our core values. So I believe this is gonna be an important one.

Yes, uh absolutely. Uh thank you so much, uh Cyan for for having me. I think it is very uh a very important uh topic, very uh uh essential discussion because everything that we do in life, it is predicated upon our identity.

Absolutely. So just before we dive in, folks, a little disclaimer for all our listeners that some statements may reflect personal belief and experiences and are presented as individual views and not medical advice. Listeners should consult qualified professionals or medical

From Mimicking Others To Self-Acceptance

conditions. So now, with that being said, uh Runal, before we get into the deeper stuff, I want to start with something uh with your story. So when you think about the person that you were before your own trauma incident and the person that you are sitting in today, what's one quality or what's one thought process that you didn't know that you had until life asked you to find it?

Yes. Um so we're we're talking about um light years from um from from where I was and my thought pattern. Uh so everything starts with a thought. It's like a seed that you plant in the ground, and you can expect a harvest, but where there is no seed, there is no harvest. So um I did not have a good sense of identity at all. Uh, and I think that was due to uh not being introduced to uh the reality that that um that is fine to uh to to maturate to the place to be able to embrace all of yourself. And so as a youth, I I didn't embrace all of me because it because it I was so awkward, you know, as as a youth compared to my peers. So I would particularly mimic my peers just to be accepted because of my awkwardness. And so that was um one of the um one of the events in my life that um that was never I never embraced it, and uh, I was never around in uh individuals in my household uh to embrace that as well. So I basically just uh lived the life of mimicking other people just to fit in uh because I I did not embrace myself.

Yeah, and and and you know, we often uh sit with that question of how can we actually embrace ourselves? And so I I want to ask you, like, is that a subjective question that really depends, or how do you really go about it? You know, because if you ask me how do I embrace myself, I think uh for me it starts with being authentic in the room. You know, no matter wherever I go, if that's uh you know at my workplace, or um if I'm having a podcast with you right now, or if um you know I'm working on uh uh music production, right, uh with a lot of different artists. It's always being in the room, you know, it's always being yourself. So that is what uh how or how I approach uh being, you know, embracing who I really am and and then and then going and then living by those values, right? Uh because then that is where uh I think you have a very clear definition of what a boundary might look like in certain circumstances, because I believe that is again uh something essential that uh we're going to eventually return to. But curious to know what is your view on this? Uh, because I think there is truly a misconception, uh, because I think so many people believe that um, you know, embracing yourself, it it needs it needs more than just being authentic, right? It it means uh maybe f being attuned with others as well at the same time. So, what what is your view on this, really?

Knowing Yourself Before You Celebrate Yourself

Yeah, uh great question. I think, you know, in order to celebrate ourselves, we first must appreciate ourselves. And you can't appreciate yourself unless you know yourself. And I think that uh oftentimes, you know, we live in a society. I know here in the West, we live in a society where everything is uh based on what you have, how you look, what you drive, uh your status in life. So if you have everything in order uh pertaining to how society has this set up as far as your level of importance, um, then you fit in uh certain clicks and certain circles. But if you don't fit in those categories that are introduced to us by uh societal norms that are really abnormal, um, then you would always think less of yourself. So I think that uh it comes down to uh knowing that you are uniquely gifted and you are uniquely made for a reason. There's a reason why uh the creator did not create us uh to all look the same, to speak the same language, to live in the same uh area of the world, to do the same job. We're completely different. But I think that we don't celebrate our differences because we have been sold allied that we're supposed to be like everyone else. And so, in not being like everyone else, to be accepted by everyone else, we look like the outcast. And so um that was something, again, that I struggled with. Um, and it began to spill over into my young adult years. And uh there are a lot of adults, even right now, that's probably listen to the podcast, that that um feel less than because they're they're in constant competition with someone else, as opposed to embracing uh the uniqueness uh that's on the inside of them.

Yeah, I think that's really an I mean an important distinction because I think uh to me, uh Ronald, I would say it's really an intellect problem. And when I say intellect problem, I I mean so I being a Gen Z, I know people of my generation, uh, you know, really uh try to find things um, you know, to demean the other person. For example, you know, I was in a room with uh one of uh uh my colleagues, actually, um, but like he's not really from my uh workplace, he works somewhere else. Um, and he is the um A VP of that company, right? And he comes up to me and says, and you know what? I came across a guy today who said uh who was actually you know talking behind of him with his other colleagues and said, Oh, dude, look at this guy, he has like a bad spot. Uh right, um and and and so and so I think that is really uh Ronald uh uh an intellect problem. And when you look at it, you know, from that perspective, I think fitting in becomes less of a focus. And you know, you you you try to you try to see yourself as who you are and who are the ones that you should actually surround yourself with. Because I think there's just so so many opinions floating right now, you know, so many different types of um uh people around you, you know, personalities around you. So it is it is really important that you find your people in the room that you can share your core values with, right? Um, so I'm curious to know what is your take on that, and uh because I I think I think underneath underneath the surface of any trauma healing, right, I don't know, the core of of this discussion today is actually understanding that what are your core values really? Because once you understand that, I think the entire healing journey becomes more uh, you know, of one, I mean, cohesive. So, what would you like to see?

Yes, absolutely.

Core Values And Emotional Regulation

You mentioned core values, which is very important because that gives you the autonomy to make certain decisions that's in your best interest, regardless of what's going on in the room or in society, because you're founded upon a principle that is uncompromising and unwavering and is and is interlocked or interconnected or interwoven into who you truly are as a man or as a woman. I think that for so many people that um you you said it's an intellectual problem, I and I agree with you. Um, also, I would say that it's the lack of emotional regulation because oftentimes we are regulated by uh just how we feel, just on a whim, or what other people feel about us, or what we perceive that other people think about us. So therefore, we become almost like puppets, and the puppet master begins to move the strings, and the puppet goes wherever the puppet master so desire. And oftentimes we'll find ourselves with if we don't have those core values that you spoke of, we'll find ourselves drifting far to the left, far to the right emotionally, and uh just living a life that is very empty, that is very lonely, that is very hopeless, and um and and that is a very dark place to be.

Yeah, I I I I love that because I think uh ultimately so many people that are walking around um blaming themselves for what is essentially their mind still trying to protect them from something that that is happening or has happened, right? So I think recognition in that sense is in its own kind uh truly a medicine, right? Which uh maybe wants me to ask you this and perhaps would be uh you know the last question that we wrap

Sustaining Healing With Support Systems

this up on. So uh Ronald for all the listeners who are listening to this right now, um, because obviously healing is not linear, and uh there are moments where where uh you start doubting yourself back, no matter how strong your foundation really is. Um so in those scenarios, right, over the long arc of healing, what does sustaining a new self of self actually require? Not just at the start, but you know, one, two, three, five, ten years in.

Yes, it's it's very subjective from person to person, but the sustainability of proper mental health, emotional stability, and regulation is to come to the reality that that it's okay to embrace all of yourself. We we we we all do it right, and oftentimes we all do it wrong in one in one genre or the other, in one time or season in the other. So there is no flawless person that we can find on the planet. And I think a lot of times we begin to beat ourselves up because of the mistakes that we make. I'm not talking about egregious mistakes that we should learn from and not do again. But even in that, what can I learn from? Um, so I think, you know, embracing ourselves, I think holding ourselves accountable to a higher standard, not the standard of your family, not the standard of society, not the standard of your friends, but a higher standard that that is sitted upon or founded upon your core values. Knowing what those core values are, right? Uh, but surrounding ourselves with a support system. And I know that sometimes we live in a life where we can't trust people because we've been let down, we've been hurt before, we've been betrayed before. And unfortunately, that's just life that those things that do occur, and we learn from them and hopefully we'll grow from them. But to surround yourself with people who believe in you, people who accept you, but also people who will hold you accountable concerning your core values. And if they see you drifting to the left or to the right, off of the path of your core values and your goals and your aspirations in life, they're quick to pull you back into alignment. Wait a minute, you're getting off. Wait a minute, you're thinking about this too much, you're doing that too much. What does it have to do with your purpose? Which is in direct alignment with your identity.

I love it. I think that's the part nobody puts in the books. And uh I I think you know, this conversation has really um spoke to me that I think setbacks really aren't proof that uh you have failed or are a failure. I think uh it just tells us that we are you know healing in real time. So I would like to think of it like that. And to all the listeners who are listening to this, uh thanks for uh being with us, folks. And if there's something that I would want you all to take away from this conversation, I think uh you're not the problem, you're not the injury, you're not the um trauma in itself that you're carrying. I think you are the one who survived it, and the person that you're becoming on the other side is not less than who you were before. So that is what I would like you all to sit with, perhaps, and internalize this whole idea of change and that you should embrace change. So that is what I would like you all to sit

Finding Help And Taking Responsibility

with. Uh, but Ronald, for those who are actually connected with this conversation and resonated with what we just talked about, where's the best place for them to learn more about your work, read your books, or connect with you for support on their own journey?

Yeah, thank you so much, Science. So you can reach out to me at my website, theshamefreelife.com, theshamefreelife.com. There we offer a coaching 101, group coaching. Uh, we also have the brick method, which is uh basically a six to eight week boot camp that's that's customly designed for you. We just believe that um you may not be responsible for your injury or the things that happened to you in your life. That's very bad, that's very painful, and that can oftentimes paralyze you in moving forward. You may not be responsible for that, but you are responsible for your own healing. And we just like to partner with you uh on this healing journey uh to help you discover all of the greatness that's on the inside of you, to celebrate that, to hold you accountable, and to and to watch you take off like a jet to your destination, which is your purpose.

And keep up the great work, Ronald, because I think there's more of us that need it more than ever right now. So, folks, we'll have the details in the show notes that you

Final Takeaways And Closing

could reach out uh and you could easily get in touch with Ronald. But uh, folks, with that, we unfortunately hit today's minute mark on this conversation. And Ronald, to you, this conversation I think has been a real gift because uh, like I said at the start, this is something uh that is foundational, uh, not just because from a trauma point, but I think from um, you know, the the recovery part of any injury, it it might not be just trauma, but it could be physical, it could be mental, it could be emotional, right? So I think this has really been an uh important conversation today. So for anyone listening who wants to learn more about uh Ronald Folk, we'll have the details in the show notes. And uh, he is what I would love for you to carry forward, right? You don't have to figure out who you are, you know, every day by the morning. You just have to stop pushing yourself for not being who you used to be, right? Because that's I think where the real healing begins. So that's all, folks. This has been Cyan on Healthy Mind, Healthy Life. Uh, take care of yourself and be we will see you in the next one, real quick.