Why Receiving Feels So Hard

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Most of us learned how to give. We learned how to push, how to perform, how to hold things together. But somewhere along the way, a lot of us forgot something else, something quieter. We forgot how to receive, how to let support land, how to trust someone else to hold the weight for a moment. And the strange thing is, the more capable we look on the outside, the harder this often gets. The show where we have honest conversations about the everyday side of mental health. The things that don't always have clinical names, but quietly shape how we live, love, and lead. I'm your host Yusuf, and today's guest is someone whose works asks us to look at a part of ourselves we usually rush past. The part that struggles to slow down, to surrender control, to let someone else carry something for us. My guest today is Mali Sandra. And today we are talking about nervous system safety, the difference between control and trust. And why so many capable people quietly struggle with receiving anything at all. With that, I welcome my guest Mali to the show.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Hello, thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

So Mali, I want to start with a misconception. Because I think most of listeners have lived inside the one, this one without realizing it. That there's an idea that being in control means being safe. That the more we hold the reins, the better off we are. From what you have seen, where does that idea actually break down? Like, where does control stop protecting us and start costing us something?

When Control Becomes Fear

SPEAKER_01 2:18

That is such a great question. In my experience, from what I've seen, um control is a control tends to be a symptom of fear. So when somebody is using control as a means of safety to an extreme, what that really is, is allowing your fear to control you. So you are never fully in control. What is in control is fear. So you're actually, in my opinion, and what I've seen anecdotally, your fear is your master in those instances.

Signs You Crossed The Line

SPEAKER_00 3:09

And many for someone who can't yet feel the difference between, you know, healthy responsibility and chronic overcontrol, what is a sign that they have crossed the line?

SPEAKER_01 3:24

You'll find that somebody who has crossed that line will start to have even a physical manifestation of it. It will look, I have seen where it takes the form of almost, um, without, you know, armchair diagnosing somebody, an obsessive, compulsive um type of quality. You'll find that um if control is not seated or if they don't have full control of the situation, a physical response will occur, physically sick to their stomach, um, headaches, muscle strain. It's very much all connected in my experience.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

And that that really lands because so many of us have built whole lives, whole identities on top of control, and we never stop to ask whether we were actually safe inside it.

SPEAKER_01 4:42

Agreed. I absolutely agree. And and that's why, you know, there are professionals uh like myself exist. This is, you know, the roots of what I do can be traced back to Mesopotamia. You know, this is something that humanity as a whole has always struggled with. But as we have progressed in society, and you know, I say that with a grain of salt, progression, you'll find that more and more people are having to almost depend upon somebody in my position, in my line of work, to help reintegrate them, help them identify and give words to what's happening to them in finding, you know, when they have crossed that line where control is no longer safe but fear.

Consensual Authority Versus Overcontrol

SPEAKER_00 5:50

And you talk about the difference between control and consensual authority. So for someone hating that phrase for the first time, can you walk us through what the distinction really means in that situation?

SPEAKER_01 6:05

So it yes, absolutely. So in that situation, uh consensual control uh control or consensual authority, rather, it is think of it more as a leadership role. As opposed to somebody you are being consensual authority, you are giving somebody willingly, you are making that conscious decision to hand over in whatever container you have negotiated that leadership role to allow yourself to step out of that leadership role and to give your I'm gonna for call it for what it is, it's typically a fight or flight. Give your chance a moment to step outside of that constant vigilance. Control what most people are stepping out of is something they feel they have to take. It is not consensual. You're constantly taking control. So you're somebody in your daily life who is at the, let's say, you know, a high-powered uh executive level, somebody who's built a career, built a lifestyle around seizing opportunities, not necessarily by having them voluntarily given, but by taking advantage of certain things to seize control, that looks very different than gifting somebody control.

What Safety Does To The Body

SPEAKER_00 7:52

And what do you think happens to the nervous system when someone has only ever known control and they suddenly meet a space where someone someone else is holding the structure for them?

SPEAKER_01 8:08

I have seen very different reactions from very different people. The amount of reactions that I have seen varies just as much as the number and personalities of people in the world. The nervous system can react in ways that are release as in a crying lacrimency, just a physical release. It can look like a relief, it can look like stillness for somebody who has not does not sit still. It can look like peace for somebody who is living with something like uh wartime PTSD. Uh so there are depending upon the container and depending upon what is actually happening with an individual, it can really what is happening to their nervous system really does vary. And and oftentimes, you know, you have to be as somebody who's leading a container or leading an experience like that, um, you're ready for all of it.

SPEAKER_00 9:37

That is a beautiful reframe because what you are describing is not about giving a power, it's about no longer needing to grip it so tightly to feel okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

And and that's something about my work that is and and actually just that particular um aspect of human nature that I think is a misconception to a lot of people, and that it's not necessarily um, you know, something, it's not a container where somebody is giving up something to feel a sense of powerlessness. It actually empowers people more than it takes. So people within my care oftentimes feel more empowered when they leave because I've given them a break from a either a societal uh stigma, I've given them a break from a societal expectation to allow their nervous system to come back to a more even you know playing field, and there are so many high-functioning people, the ones who look like they have it all together, but they secretly struggle with receiving, maybe receiving help, compliments, support, rest, and even

The Hidden Wound Around Receiving

SPEAKER_01 11:23

love.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

So, why do you think receiving feels so unsafe for so many people who outwardly seem so strong?

SPEAKER_01 11:33

That all comes down to empower it, stepping fully into your own power. And that's something that I teach specifically women. A lot of a lot of the clients that I have that are looking for that piece, that particular piece, are women. And what it does is opens people up to express their own, uh almost their own divinity. So it allows your humanity and your divinity to touch. And when you're fully in your power, you can receive love, you can receive help gift because you know that you have capability to do X, Y, or Z. But just because you are capable of doing it by yourself doesn't mean you're meant to hold it all. And so when you become more empowered and more comfortable with showcasing and wielding your own personal power, oftentimes you feel more emboldened to accept what somebody's offering because you look at it as an offering. It's no longer looked at as you are not a burden to somebody else. Somebody is offering what they have. It's a gift, and you're willing to accept it when you're in your own power. When you're feeling disempowered, you feel like a burden to yourself and to others, which is a lie that the universe likes to tell you, and that your own internal monologue likes to tell you. Never once have I felt it's the truth.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Okay. And is there any quiet way this shows up in their daily life that they might not even recognize as a receiving wound?

SPEAKER_01 13:53

I think that quietly the way it'll show up as having a receiving wound that you might not even necessarily notice will be in the little things. You know, you are um a wonderful example. Are uh I was in the grocery store, and I there was a mother, she was there with her children, and she was outnumbered in a big way. And um in seeing her struggle, I offered to help her finish her shopping. And if in this moment, you know, I am a stranger and I understand, but you could see on her face, she wants the expectation of society is that she can do all of it, that she can shop and maintain control of her children, and that me offering help makes her feel weak. And so she says, No, thank you. Thank you, I really appreciate it, but no, thank you. So that seems like a common occurrence, but to me, that is a quiet way in which somebody who feels disempowered and has that wound would manifest every day.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

And you know, that is such such an honest mirror because for a lot of us, achievement was never just ambition, it was a way to make ourselves harder to need anything, anything from anywhere.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

Right. Power for for people, power melts some people, power means self-sufficiency to the point that you are smaller, you are don't need help from anyone, you don't need the collective, you do not need, need, need. When in reality, in my experience, the most empowered people are people who are willing to accept the gifts, the offerings of help from people in their community, it builds strength in community versus you know weakness when you don't have those bonds because you're an island at that point. You know, you feel isolated and less likely to reach out when there's a real need, right? So stepping into your power, oftentimes, in my experience, means creating community and accepting those ties that bind.

A Simple Ritual To Soften

SPEAKER_00 17:04

And now I want to talk about the practice because the people listening don't just want to understand this, they want to know what to do with it. So if someone realizes today that they are locked in control, that they can't relax, can't deceive, can't let go. What is a gentle first step they can take?

SPEAKER_01 17:27

A gentle first step they can take is creating ritual in your life. And I know that sounds a little odd, but be creating rituals that are for yourself only helps to give you a sense of empowerment. And I'll describe one that I do that is early in the morning, and it's something that most people can fit into their life. Get up, the first thing I do is I do not look at my phone, do not touch your phone, make your morning tea, make your morning coffee, whatever, whatever you do in the morning. Ice cold water. As you are doing that, you are giving yourself the moment, I call it mental journaling. So you're with your thoughts. You say, Today is a gift, I have arrived, I am here, and I welcome what comes. It will be revealed. And then you sit and you drink your coffee, and as you're thinking, you can be thinking of the blessings you have in your life. You can be thinking of, you know, the things that you're hoping for, that you're wishing for, but you're going to reframe them as things you already have. I have friends in abundance, I have the love of others, I have I am not, I can, and I should, and I want. You already have those things. And saying it out loud that these are the things you have, they can help bridge that gap and gently show you you are in control because you've stepped into your power here. You have them, you've achieved it, you've done it. There's no need to do more. Congratulations. And just having a small ritual like that is so powerful, so impactful, and so simple. It costs nothing. It costs you 20 minutes of your time in the morning that you can use that instead of scrolling on your phone.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

No. You know what I love about your answer is that you're not asking anyone to dismantle themselves, you're just inviting to soften slowly in a way their nervous system can actually trust.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

The biggest mistake I find that people make is thinking that their entire personality has to change. You're perfect the way that you are. What I'm inviting you to do when you empower yourself and when you are giving up control consensually or stepping fully into your power is I'm asking you to remember that you've always had it. It's always been there. You're not learning anything new, you're remembering.

Links Final Message And Closing

SPEAKER_01 21:22

So I have a link tree that I'm sure you'll you'll share in your notes there that has a link to every place that you can find me, all of my socials, my website, and my substack for articles.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

Perfect. And yeah, to everyone listening, all these links are in the show notes. So just go and check those out. Melly, is there any last message that you want to leave us with?

SPEAKER_01 21:47

The last thing I'll leave you with is this. In a world that is trying to show you what control looks like all over the world, in the form of government and societal rules, I want you to remember that that power and that control is fleeting. But stepping into who you are and remembering your personal power is forever.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Melly, thank you so much for reminding us that strength is not about how much we can hold alone. It is about whether we can finally let someone or something be held for us.

SPEAKER_01 22:51

It's my pleasure.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

And to everyone listening, if something in this conversation reached a quiet place inside you, don't push it away. Sit with it for a moment. That soft thing, that small loosening of the grip is something when the real healing begins. This has been healthy mind, healthy life. Take care of your mind, take care of your nervous system, and remember, you don't always have to be the one holding everything together. Perceiving is allowed, rest is allowed, being held is allowed. I'll see you in the next one.